Tuesday, 19 September 2017

The 18 Steps To Leaving The House With Children

Step 1. Remember how soul destroying tying to leave a house with small people is and decide to begin the process 30 minutes earlier that you need to.

Step 2. Instantly forget how soul destroying trying to leave a house with small people is and do any of the following; quickly put the washing away/drink luke warm tea/decide randomly to tidy the toy box/anything that means you don't have to start said soul destroying process.

Step 3. SH*T YOU HAVE TWENTY MINUTES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! EVERYBODY GET DRESSED! GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED! WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER BOOT! STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! JUST GET READY!

Step 4. 7 minutes later...no one bar you has moved. F*ck.

You ready bab? OH FFS

Step 5. Encourage children to go upstairs to clean their teeth and wash their face. They come back downstairs. Breath smelling of last nights spaghetti, faces covered in bogies. Clearly no washing has occurred but strangely their clothes are soaking wet and the bathroom is destroyed with mashed up toilet roll.

Step 6. Decide to monitor children cleaning their teeth and washing their face. Remember that if you say "HURRY UP!" they will do the opposite. You bite your tongue whilst they slowly apply the toothpaste. Internally you are dying as you see toothpaste drip down their clean on school jumper.

Step 7. At six your daughter is more than capable of putting on her own clothes. You leave her to it in the other room whilst you wrestle your four year old into a jumper. Which is like trying to get an eel to wear stilettos. Slippery little b*gger.

Step 8. WHY DID I FORGET STEP ONE AND LEAVE THIS ALL SO LATE? I AM AN IDIOT!


Do you know how many times it took me to get the right shoe on the right foot?

Step 9. You go and check on your "reliable" daughter and see that all she has done is remove one leg of her pyjamas and now she is playing with My Little Ponies with her arse hanging out. OH FOR GODS SAKE!

Step 10. After some stern words she is now sadly getting dressed so slowly you need to go and lie face down on your bed for two minutes to regain your composure.

Step 11. WHOEVER INVENTED TIGHTS SHOULD BE SHOT.

Step 12. Both kids are dressed and clean(ish) (God bless baby wipes and their toothpaste removing ability). You run downstairs to begin the process of putting on shoes. And so the wrong foot, wrong shoe dance begins.

I may look cute but my pockets? Are full to the brim of shopkins

Step 13. "THE OTHER FOOT!"

Step 14. Credits where credits due they can get their coats on (after I ask them 37 times). The fact they have chosen to combine this with a pirate hat, a hook and a bag of Shopkins? Shall be ignored.

Step 15. And so the wrong finger, wrong hole in the glove dance begins.

Step 16. "NOT THAT HOLE!"

Step 17. EVERYONE IS DRESSED AND WE ARE ALL MANAGING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND WE WILL ONLY BE THREE MINUTES LATE! WE ARE AMAZING HUMANS!...

...Step 18. What do you mean you need a poo?...#FFS

5 comments:

  1. Absolutely hilarious! You have made my morning. I didn't stop laughing reading that... probably because it's an oh so familiar story! Least I only have one to get ready on a morning. You do a bloody good job bab!! xxx

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  2. Absolutely hilarious! You have made my morning. I didn't stop laughing reading that... probably because it's an oh so familiar story! Least I only have one to get ready on a morning. You do a bloody good job bab!! xxx

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  3. You mean you don't have the "but I want to wear my pinafore dress / trousers (delete as applicable)" discussion? Happens most days in our house now th youngest has started school. And I'm holding off sending the to school with hats and gloves for as long as possible.

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  4. Hahah love this!! Literally takes me a good hour to get out the house now.. and another 2 actually finding the motivation! Xx

    Sophiejc.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete

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