A Letter to Beyonce...

Dear Beyonce

Hope you and the fam are well and that Blue Ivy is behaving herself. I watched your Oprah documentary this morning. Granted it took me a while to get round to it but I've been a bit busy what with Christmas. It was great and that Oprah looks a nice lady but I have a few pointers. 

I am not arguing that you are not anything but a beautiful, intelligent lady with an amazing voice and a body to die for. Men across the world want to be with you (like my husband) and women want to be you (like me). But. I am confused about your account of child birth. 

You said it was the most amazing experience in your life. That you loved it and that as you were giving birth to your baby you were talking to her. Not like actually but mentally (?). All in all you made it seem a doddle. Now. I have had two babies. And it's not a doddle. I had two c sections so can't even comment on the horror (or so I'm told) of child birth. I haven't even had something too big come out of a too small hole, and even I found it bloody hard work. 

Come on Beyonce give us a break. It would make me like you even more (if that is at all possible) if you said to Oprah. Look bab (ok you don't have to be Brummie in it but that would be even better). It really hurt. I tore from here to here. I punched Jay Z in the face. Was sick down myself and then pooed. That would have been amazing and I feel a little more truthful. 

It is already hard enough to live up to you and your quite frankly superhuman ways so give us something please. Just some way we can relate to each other. Let just one photo be taken of Blue Ivy throwing a massive temper tantrum in Chanel. Or you spraying dry shampoo in your hair. Or walking around with raisins squished into the bottom of your red soled Louboutins. 

Now I can't keep up with the world of celebs as I'm knee deep in soft play and washing but if you're ready to have or are having number 2. Pleeeease. Next time release a picture of you covered in sweat post birth. Or breakdown on Oprah saying "I'm. just. sooooo. tired". And sob and sob. 

And then I will love you even more than I already do. 

Take care. Love to Jay-Z.

Em x

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