13.12.14

Do's and Don'ts for the Socially Awkward Mother

Since becoming a Mum I have become a bit of a hermit. I do go out obviously. But I enjoy the nice warm snug seats of a cinema, with pick 'n' mix in abundance and the chance to have a little cat nap. The nights I have been out drinking and socialised with the actual general public? Well. Have ended up in me either 1) massively pissed by 9pm, in bed by 10pm 2) weeping about me not being 21, footloose and fancy free whilst finding really UGLY men attractive or 3) pissed, weeping, fancying ugly men and in bed by 10pm. After I have attempted doing the full routine to Single Ladies. My own extended version.

I can swan round a soft play and make friends in minutes. At a Butlin's disco? I would be there BOOM! doing the Cha Cha Slide. Peppa World? Conquered that b*tch twice. But the thought of going out in the real world without my children sometimes shakes me to my very core. So new parents, with tiny babies, I have developed a few do's and don'ts if you're planning your first post baby night out...warning...this could (will) get messy.

Do start by going out somewhere a bit relaxed. Maybe a meal or perhaps a nice bar with a few friends. 
Don't start by going to an all nighter rave. Not only will you want to be in bed at the VERY latest midnight but also you will have forgotten that the youth of today are thin, glam and do something called 'twerking'. You won't like it. And don't try it. You will look awful doing it. Also now you are a mother you will need the toilet every hour at the most. Queues will be too big in such a venue. You could wee yourself. 

That's me.  On the left. Grabbing my boob.  First night out for 18mths. Classy. 

Do have a nice drinky.  Maybe a few glasses of vino. Or a couple of g and ts. 
Don't get massively wrecked. Everyone understands being out in public is a bit exciting and the temptation to get utterly pissed by 9pm is a hard one to resist. But don't do it. There's nowt less attractive than a weeping woman who can't pull her spanx up properly, and needs their friends assistance to hold back their hair whilst puking red wine sick. 

Do wear something you feel comfortable in.
Don't wear something you feel comfortable in if that means a onesie from Matalan and your battered Primark slippers with raisins squashed on the bottom. Alternatively don't go what my friends and I call all 'Nan's on the razz'. Avoid sequins, avoid sparkles, avoid fmbs (f*ck me boots). Think classy Mummy like Holly Willoughby, Myleene Klass. Not Kerry Katona. Tits should be in bras. Not dragging on the dance floor.

Drinking all three? Probably not ideal.

Do miss your children.
Don't tell anyone you miss your children. No one, especially non parents, will give a toss you miss your children.  Please do not show photos, please do not tell stories about your child's horrific birth and more importantly don't show any scars, tearings or cracked nipples. Oh and for gods sake don't cry. 

And finally...

Do HAVE FUN!!
Don't get arrested. You laugh but a new mother, unleashed, high on wine and 80's music? Good god, anything could happen. All together now.."all the single ladies...all the single ladies"...
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