Days Out = Doom

The sun has got his hat on hip hip hip hooray! Tis the season to think about the joy that is the 'family day out'. Enjoying each others company. Frolicking together in the park. Leisurely strolls around stately homes, eating ice creams whilst learning about our great nation. Sigh. Oh what sorry. You've got a toddler? Your screwed. Prepare yourself for days out of weeping, winging and general misery.

Toddlers just ruin most stuff. They don't understand the concept of 'making memories'. They don't get days out are supposed to be enjoyable. No. They enjoy just pure fucking it up for the rest of us. They see it as a Big Brother style task where they have the make the most amount of people miserable in the shortest amount of time. And they always win.

Smile for the family piccy! No? Ok. 

So parents of a new toddler here's some dos and don'ts to help your day out go smoothly. Or at the very least prepare you for the worst:

Do not expect to leave on time. This is neeeeeever going to happen. There will be some minor crisis just as you step out the door. Whether it be they don't like their coat, or they want to take every toy they have ever owned. Who knows? Maniacs. 

Do expect to have to stop for a wee on the motorway. As in literally on the hard shoulder. They claim they don't need a wee. You take them to the toilet for a wee. They don't wee. Then you set off and? They want a wee. They seem to enjoy weeing in peril. The thrill of a wee whilst nearly being killed is their dream. 

Do expect your child to act like you have no control over them. There ain't no naughty step in Peppa World. There ain't no screaming at the top of your lungs in Thomas Land. Hell to the no. The children alas have to remain unpunished till you get home. Otherwise what kind of parent would you look like? (a good one but...). 

Smile! You're in Peppa Land! No? Ok. 

Do expect one or all of the following. Weeping over wanting to eat the picnic at 10am. Weeping as they don't want to wear their coat. Or do want to wear their coat. Weeping as they have fallen over for the hundredth time. Weeping as they hate Mummy. And so on. Just plan weeping. 

I can't stress this one enough.......

Do not enter the gift shop!!! I repeat do not enter the gift shop!!! That is never going to end well for anyone. My girl nearly broke me in Cadbury World over a bag of misfits. Lie and say they are all closed. Do anything. Walk anti clockwise so you don't have to go past one. Bad places. Full of bad people and expensive shit. 

There are brief moments when everyone is happy and smiling. This will be when you are eating your picnic at 10am. So take your 'making memories' photos then. 

Enjoy your summer! 

Smile! You're eating your picnic two hours early. Yes? Ok!!!!!

It would be fab if you enjoyed this bit to nominate me for a BritMums BIBs award. My twitter handle, which you'll need, is @brummymummyof2 thanks bab! x


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