Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Motherhood makes you lie. Fact.

I'm naturally a very blunt and honest person. Please don't ask me if your bum looks big in that, and I will tell you I prefer you being a brunette. I'm rubbish at lying (I sweat and giggle insanely) and am a big believer in telling the truth.  But now I find lying permanently to my small children ensures my day runs smoothly.

I would even say I have perfected it. There are a few main lies I tell. I have listed these below. Feel free to use them. Maybe changing the scenarios. They work. Promise (or do they? I'm a liar remember):

Sorry! It's broken...
To be said when your child approaches any of those bloody machines that requires a pound coin to either get a useless rubber ball, a ride with Igglepiggle or worst a 'tattoo'. To further fuel the lie here's a top tip. Put in a 2p! Watch it fall out to prove its broken. Ta da!

God damn it! Forgot my 2ps today. 

One more time and you're not getting any birthday presents!
This is never going to happen. My girl could pretty much punch me square in the face on purpose and I would still give her birthday presents. I'm not a monster! Who wouldn't give their daughter birthday presents? She however believes this to be true. Fool. So stops naughty behaviour immediately. 

10 more minutes...
This means literally nothing. I could realistically mean two minutes or an hour. It's just a phrase I use to prepare the girl for leaving. But then sometimes I change my mind and want to stay. You see I can as I have the power of understanding the concept of 'time'. She doesn't. Fool. 

Hurry up. You've got ten minutes. Unless I want to bide my time then it can mean anything up to an hour. Or more!

Fine. I am walking away and you can just stay there!
To be used when the worst of the toddler tantrums occur. The 'I'm in Asda and am going to scream and lie on the floor because you said you won't buy me a Peppa magazine' tantrum. I walk away and pretend I'm going to leave her there forever. Obv I wouldn't as I would be arrested but I like to stride off turning around every three seconds. Works a treat. 

Look! It's the real Father Christmas/Minnie/Peppa!
Anyone who is dressed up as a character I lie through my teeth that they are that actual 'person'. During December I had to construct whole plots as to why there were two Santa's in a shopping centre. I lie a lot about magic as well. Magic is a great excuse for pretty much anything going. Why is Peppa so big? Magic. Why is Minnie in our hotel but we just saw her walking round Eurodisney dressed differently? Magic. And so on. Magic rules. Oh also the 'magic' cream I use when she's hurt her leg? Sudocrem. 

Why's Angelina so big? Magic!

Parents of children over the age of five. I believe these lies will eventually not work. I'm panicking that one day she will say "Mother. You are clearly going to give me my birthday presents so give me a pound for the horrible tattoo machine or I will scream and don't pretend you will leave me here because you won't and we aren't going in ten minutes as we have only been here for 15".  That is the day I will be screwed and shall have to construct a whole new set of lies. For now? I will ensure I carry 2ps with me at all times.

It would be fab if you enjoyed this bit to nominate me for a BritMums BIBs award. My twitter handle, which you'll need, is @brummymummyof2 thanks bab! x



  1. Lol this is a brilliant post and I can relate to the things you have mentioned :) x

  2. Ha ha! So funny, I can relate to this. My lies are getting ever more twisted and complicated to remember as I go along. The ice cream van only plays music when he's run out. The shop has run out of chocolate buttons. Mummy can't work the remote. One day it's gonna catch up on me. Help!

  3. Fab tips! Am pinching every one of them! X

  4. Haaahaaa so guilty! Peppa Pig has gone to bed now so it's you turn, (even though I've got about oh another 10 episodes recorded... yeah, she doesn't need to know that yet!). I'd imagine as she gets a little older the lies will become bigger too... heaven help us! x

    1. Oh my god I use the Peppa one too!!! That's the best! xxx

  5. I love this!! Lying is a great parenting tool if you ask me. My son thinks cola drinks are only for mamas and daddys and that if he eats his carrots and chicken he will get to turn into a robot.

  6. Too funny! The one that made me laugh out loud was the, '10 more minutes' quote. I don't know how many times I've used that line…LOL! I also love the one from one of your readers (Judith)…the ice cream truck only plays music when he runs out of ice cream…hahaha! Love it!

    But as you mentioned, it'll start to become less effective as they get older, so beware ;-)

    Visiting from the SITS Sharefest.


    1. Oh god I don't want her to ever tell the time! I used ten minutes yesterday for a good hour! xxx

  7. Hahahaha, so good to hear from another Brit..... To funny and I have even gone as far as telling the oldest about a nail fairy as I ripped off her nail that was half off. Now they are 16 and 11 and it is all TRUTH..... This was a fantastic post.... :) Visiting from SITS.

    1. Thanks! Glad you liked it. The nail fairy? I'm going to steal that one. I use fairys for pretty much for everything! Ha ha ha xxx

  8. Brilliant, I can also relate to all of them :)


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