Miss Bad Cop

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Miss Bad Cop
Most recently seen holding down my sobbing toddler, whilst I took her hair for an overdue chop
You will often hear me shout "say sorry", as they try to kill each other
And see me dragging my girl to the naughty step, after she's violently poked her brother

I plan the days out, make picnics, and stand holding the many bags
Whilst they swan about on the Peppa rides, having 'quality time' with their Dad
I researched potty training, and got the sods to sleep through the night
I pureed bloody butternut squash, and removed dummies as they clung tight

I have sleepless nights about preschool, and worry all the time
And when they have tantrums in Asda, I pretend that aren't mine
I have taught them "please" and "thank you", and how to count to ten
I spend my days off going round dead crap farms and saying "ohh look at that (*ucking) hen"

I braved it alone through injections, health visitor appointments and the docs
I've cleaned up crap a plenty, offering bribes in the form of chocs
My shifts are never ending, I worry through the night
I plan and plot and think and hope, that I am doing my job right

The average cop gets donuts and hot, fresh, steaming coffee
I live off half eaten waffles, petit filous, and the odd cup of stone cold tea
I'm mean, I shout, I scold, I teach and sometimes make them cry
But when they say "I love you Mummy" it leaves me on a high

So yes, I am Miss Bad Cop, and Daddy is much more fun
But I know where that doll she loves lives, and puts 'magic' cream on his sore bum
When they count to ten, or say "excuse me" in a shop
I know I've done my job right but know this job will never stop

I will be there when you have yours, and feel like you're losing the plot
I will come round and help you out, and babysit a lot
But then you will be the bad cop, and look like the nasty man
And I will fill them with chocolate, Mc Donalds and cuddles because then I will be the Nan.

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