00Mum - License to Lie

Kids god love em. The annoying thing about them is that they are always looming around. Like ALL THE BLOODY TIME! One can't leave a child alone really. As I suppose it could be seen as a bit dangerous. What with the possibility of them falling over, or smashing things or eating dog food (dog food may have (did) only happened once) and so on. So it's time to get clever. With no formal training you have to become a double agent. One half caring parent whilst the other? Cunning, lying, calculating adult. With the main aim of pulling the wool over your little lovelies eyes.

Sit here. And watch tele whilst I wee.

Mission: To eat a chocolate bar. Undiscovered.
Healthy eating blah blah. We should promote fruit and veg blah blah. All we want to do after a long day going slowly insane by being stuck in the house with two tiny tots is eat a bit of chocolate in peace. This can be done in the following ways 1) eat with head in fridge whilst 'looking' for grapes 2) say "look at that, Mr Tumble is in the garden" and consume the whole thing in two pieces 3) pretend it is medicine.

Mission: To drink tea. Warm.
Planning is key with this one. A Peppa episode lasts four minutes. So go, go, go! Kettle on. Pour. Stew for a minute and drink within two. OK so you may scald your mouth but that's better than tepid tea with floaty milk bits or the odd renegade raisin (seriously those b*stards get everywhere).

You play with this. I'm off to watch Made in Chelsea.

Mission: To watch the remainder of Made in Chelsea. In peace.
You only have 20 minutes to find out who Spencer's shagged. You know that this is not appropriate for your toddler (curse you morals) so you organise the 'great jigsaw challenge!'. Get out every jigsaw your child has ever got ever in the world ever, in another room. And say. If you can get all of these done. You can win a prize (to be thought of at your leisure). Relax and watch the reality drama unfold. *Optional - hide at least two pieces to delay completion*.

Mission: To wee. Alone.
Again Peppa is four minutes which is time to wee. However if you feel four minutes will not suffice and you don't fancy your toddler watching and questioning "why does it look like that?" then I am sorry to say. The only way forward is? Biscuits and an episode of Mickey Mouses Clubhouse (20 minutes should be enough?). If this settles the little mites for a bit then by all means read the latest copy of Heat whilst you poo. Multi-tasking is key when being a parent.

In case of emergency? Provide biscuits.

Mission: To leave the house. Undetected.
We all need a break. You've got a babysitter but you know for sure sobbing will ensue as you try to leave for a, some say treat I say basic human right, haircut. You could always revert to Peppa but this may have been used for tea breaks throughout the day, there's no way you can humanly fill them with any more biscuits, jigsaws throughout the house have been completed (even the ridiculously hard Thomas one). So. There is only one way to do this. And that is? A bare faced lie of where you are going. I always use "I am off to clean". No specifics. Just clean. Works a bloody treat!

Once you have completed all five missions successfully you are ready to tackle others such as 'have a phone call without your child screaming throughout' or 'eating a bag of crisps in front them and not having to share' or 'listening to grown up music in the car'. But baby steps. Being a double agent is hard. Now got to go. I have a four minute window to drink tea, wee and finally eat the kids last Easter egg, sorry I mean take my 'medicine'.
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