14.7.14

Forget the Kids - TV's made Mummy braindead

Sometimes I may put the tele on for the kids to watch. Only ever so often. For example if they are ill, or if I am ill, if they are tired, or I am tired, or if I want to wash up or if they are being insane or...OK, OK yeah they watch quite a bit of tele. I am solely in charge of two toddlers for 11 whole long hours. Without a few minutes of respite I would lose my tiny mind. But somehow? In the 'exhausted shadow of my former self' role of mother I also, by osmosis, end up watching this crap.

I sit there. I get engrossed in plots. I drift off into a land of Ha Hoos and Miss Rabbits and Nanny Plums and Mr Tumbles. And whilst I am transfixed. I often have intense inner dialogue with myself about the finer workings of these programmes. I pick holes in the story lines. I assess the characters. I am a loser. So behold. Here are some of the things that cross my mind when shoving soggy malted milks into my mouth and trying to have a quick cup of luke warm tea:

Oi Daisy. Stop trying to get off with my husband

Upsy Daisy is a bit of a tease
Is it just me. Or is Upsy Daisy a bit of a one? There's all this weird flirty tension between her and IgglePiggle - yeah she let's him have a kiss ever so often and also makes her skirt blow up to show her pants. But shouldn't they be getting a bit more serious by now? And don't get me started and the weird threesome that is the Tomliboos.

The Bubble Guppie's CANNOT SING
Why oh why oh why is a programme based on singing hybrid mer-children sung by the worlds actual worst singers. WHY. Tell me WHY! It makes me so cross. It's off key. Oh god it's so horrific. I have to walk out the room whilst humming "line up everybody line up line up" - but at least I hum it IN TUNE.

Potatoes can't talk
Yes pigs can't talk. OK dogs can't talk. And on the same vein pigs and ponies are not the same size but Pedro and Peppa are exactly the same height (?). But I'm sorry Mr Potato is seriously unrealistic 1) he's ginourmous like so much bigger than even Madame Gazelle 2) he's a vegetable and they don't talk (stop saying pigs don't talk either. I do understand. I'm not stupid).

Granny Murry can do one
If I was running late for work, and I dropped my lovely children off to Granny Murry to look after and she stopped me as I was rushing off to say something cryptic like "sometimes the things you are looking for are behind you my dear", I would smile politely, walk up those stairs and mutter "f*ck off" under my breath.

Is Mr Bloom really fit?
I fancy Mr Bloom. Unreasonably. But I'm not sure if it is because he genuinely is really fit or if it's all relative? Like you know when you have to fancy someone due to boredom (or is that just me?) and so you just pick the best of a bad lot. So between Mr Maker and Mr Tumble - Mr Bloom is by far the best and hottest option.

A mere picture of Mr Bloom provokes this reaction. It's for the best I NEVER meet him

Topsy and Tim's Mother is a nause
Sigh, my daughters new obsession. The faux pigtails. The smug voices. But the Mum? Good god what's her ish? Now are Mum's all like that and maybe I'm just a really bad example? But she's like a bit of a nause isn't she? A bit tepid and brain dead? Or maybe secretly she's evil. And forces Topsy to wear fake hair? Who knows. And she looks younger than me. For that alone. I don't like her.

I have numerous other thoughts involving Barbie's parents (where are they???), what came first Sharky and Bones the real human singers, or Jake and the Neverland Pirates the cartoon? I am aware I could probably be alone in this endeavour, maybe you are all setting up messy play, or baking or just being super mum. But sometimes, I enjoy the odd moment of floating off from the daily mayhem and thinking about how potatoes can't talk (stop saying pigs don't either. I KNOW!).

Ok fess up. Do you fancy Mr Bloom? 
What crosses your mind when you hear the bingly bongly song? 
Or you are an ace parent who manages no telly?

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