I OWN TWO TODDLERS WHO ARE REFUSING TO GO TO BED!
What the actual f*ck? Come back winter all has been forgiven! Come back jet black nights and mornings. Come back freezing cold weather, so no-one, especially not tiny children, want to leave their beds. This past muggy summer week has been awful and I feel that it is a sign of worse things to come. But you know what makes really struggling getting your tots to bed even better? Go on what do you think it is? Is it the leisurely lie ins eating croissants in bed watching Homes Under the Hammer the next day? No, because...
I OWN TWO TODDLERS WHO ARE GETTING UP BEFORE 5AM!
Please don't mention black out blinds, or gro clocks, or Gina Ford, or fans or cutesy summer pyjamas. We have all these covered. And still the loves of my life. My tiny little beauties are f*cking waking me up at 5am. Or sometimes? BEFORE! So here are the tired musings of a slightly unhinged woman about late nights and ridiculously early mornings:
I want to drink you so bad. You will have to wait. My children are running wild
* In the summer. The ending music of In The Night Garden does not make my children sleepy. No, in fact it seems to have the opposite effect. Of 'hey now it's time to really cause trouble'. Can't the post Jackanory style slot with ex soapstars be a story about how dinosaurs will EAT YOU if you don't go to bed? We don't want morals. We want fear. Come on Kym Marsh. Do it for us Mums!
* Why don't kids get we are all hot and bothered and tired? It's not just aimed at them. I too am sweating like a pig, trying to catch children whose sweat is making them to slippery to hold onto. My summer Matalan pyjamas seem to be made out of non breathable material and I am baking AND JUST WANT TO GO TO BED.
* It is hot. But I am an irrational Mother and therefore I refuse to leave the fan on all night as I think it will set on fire and the house will burn down. I also won't leave the window open as even though it is so small and high no one could actually ever get in or out. I think either a crazed murderer shall climb in or you will somehow get superhuman powers and fly up and jump out. Deal with it and remain hot. But not too hot. Then I worry you will faint.
Yeah. You sleep now. You sod
* When you awake at 4.30am. Do not expect me to be nice. In fact do not expect me to speak. Expect me to pick you up, stumble a bit as I am all shell shocked and try and force you to sleep in bed with me, and your Father and a dog and another child, with the window closed. It is hotter than hell in here. It would be better for everyone if you SLEPT IN YOUR OWN BED.
* TV channel owners of the world. We are all up around 5am. So why? Why oh why. Is CBeebies not on then? Why did today I have to sit and watch a really strange cartoon with nuns and that seemed to be a bit French? Or there is the other show where it is a creepy girl and a talking bear. I pay my TV license! I would be willing to pay an extra £1 a year for those six weeks where the summer mornings take over our children and turn them rabid.
I am aware I have used an awful lot of capitals and bold fonts in the piece of writing but such is my anger at the weather. Yes, it is lovely going for picnics and visiting the odd National Trust Park. And of course I like feeling the sun on my face and seeing my children frolic in the garden. I just love my child free evenings and weird French cartoon free mornings. That little bit more.
How are all your little ones sleeping? OK? Or are you struggling too with the heat?
Any top tips? Remember I own EVERYTHING in the gro clock range so any other tips?