21.10.14

Crap at crafts and other parenting fails

Since I've been a part time stay at home Mum I have been immersed into a world I don't quite fit into. I can wear the Mum coat, I can carry the Mum bag and douse myself in dry shampoo. I can drink copious amounts of luke warm tea and watch endless amounts of Peppa. But there at certain parenting skills I am just well sh*t at.

The world of Instagram and Pinterest dictates I should be able to knock up a three tier Frozen birthday cake in an afternoon whilst my two kids happily and quietly play (ha!). I should be able to make a wonderful autumnal leaf display, which placed alongside a glut of home grown marrows, would produce a shabby chic kitchen table centrepiece worthy of featuring in Home and Garden magazine. But I can't. I'm sh*t remember. Like I just said.


A week ago we had a letter from my girls pre-school requesting a cake for a cake stall and crafts for a craft stall. I. Am. Screwed. It's not that I haven't tried to be super Mum. We do painting at home. We make cakes. The end results? Utterly disastrous. It always ends up with a) me screaming b) a child weeping c) a child requiring a full outfit change. More than likely? All three. 


I envy the women that can do these marvellous creative ventures. I dream of being able to carve a teeny tiny pumpkin into the shape of Cinderella's face. I long to gather all my old baby clothes and produce a stunning patchwork quilt. But I can't. I just told you. I'm sh*t. 

So what the hell can I offer in this odd world of part time stay at home Mum? There doesn't appear to be 'great at karaoke whilst tipsy' stand at the winter fete. Or a stall where I can discuss my Masters in the use of drama as a pedagogical method for teaching religious education to year 9 SEN pupils (catchy eh?). These aren't great 'Mum of a preschooler' skills. These are just not going to cut it. 


So you know what my new 'best Mum' skill is going to be? The art of stretching the truth. The art of going to a nice posh supermarket and popping a cake on a tray like I made it. The art of getting a friend to help make some leafy sh*te to sell for 50p. And the talent of knowing the best place to buy a lovely Frozen cake for under a tenner.

And when my girl is hitting University? That's where I will shine. Then I get my chance to be super Mum! And bore her to tears with my research project suggestions. Whilst guiding her in the talent of singing Total Eclipse of the Heart on the karaoke as a way to make friends and influence people. All together..."turn aroooound...".

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