New Years Resolutions for a Mother aged 37 and a Bit

2014 was officially for me 'The Year of the Toddler'. I would like to say it was a breeze and that "I just loved every second!" (to be said in a slightly too chirpy manic voice). But some of it? Was f*cking hard. With stupid rigid new pre-school times to stick to, and an emerging toddler boy that seemed to only know the words "NO!" and "MINE!". Sometimes I may (did) have sat in my jamas and had a little weep in front of Made in Chelsea NYC.

2015? Is going to be different. As you see I have learnt the ways of small children now. I have cracked it! By cracked it I mean I have developed various skills to ensure all three of us are alive and well at the end of each day. So I have made some New Years Resolutions to help keep me sane, whilst the children run circles around me high on fruit shoots and Sophia the First. I will be Zen. I. Will. ROCK! So here goes...

1) The tablet will be charged and in my bag at all times. In case of emergency. My iPhone will be to hand and the work iPad will be able to be easily to located in the kitchen top drawer.

Crazy Kinder Egg loons. You have saved Mummy's sanity.

2) I aim to subscribe to several different crazy Kinder Egg American loons YouTube channels so there is a variety of eggs to weirdly watch being unwrapped. Not just Disney Princess ones. Which seem to tip my son over the edge.

3) I will endeavour to stop trying to be Elsa when watching Frozen as it never ends well. With one or both children weeping. Why does my girl ALWAYS have to be Elsa? Cow. I don't want to be Sven?!

4) I will get up at 5:30am each morning to have a hot (imagine that? hot!) cup of tea and watch reality TV in peace before Peppa sodding Pig takes over. Bingly bongly bore off.

Hot tea? Old lady slippers? Teen Mom 2? Le Dream.

5) I will try to ensure that at least four days of the week. OK two days. Well at least one day every other week, I am not already in my pyjamas when my husband gets home from work. Thus proving that I had in fact actually got dressed that day. Dry shampoo is acceptable. Going braless? Is not.

6) I will not do any of the following with two tiny children in tow; clothes shopping (too sweaty), eating in fancy restaurants (too messy) and emergency dentist appointments (too hard to shout at children with a numb mouth).

7) Playdates will ALWAYS be at someone else's house. If I have to return the favour? I will accidentally block the loo with a free toy Mr Tumble phone from the front of a magazine and suggest the nearest soft play.

Wages will be spent on booze. For me. Not the kids (obvs).

8) A small proportion of my meagre wage will be spent on my actual self. Not on half price children's clothes in the Next Sale, or a pass for Thomas Land or a vast amount of Poundland tat. 'Me Time' will be spent with actual friends and not in smear tests or being given some time to put the washing away.

9) I will not obsess about my girls school place and when my womb aches thinking of baby number three? I will remember the time my son sharted right in my face.

10) If I manage to keep all of the above nine resolutions I should have a little more time for me, impress my husband with my fancy getting dressed ways and not put myself in ridiculous positions such as having a tooth removed whilst two children watch on gobsmacked. So number 10 is? Just try and have as much ruddy fun as possible...

...all whilst not getting pregnant with Number 3 (shart, shart, shart, remember the shart).

Fun times with my utter beauts.

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