What the hell is an Elf on a Shelf?

I am lying in bed at 5:37am as I write this. No one else is awake. And I am really worried. Like proper worried. As I have no f*cking clue what an elf on the shelf is. I kinda get it's an elf. And I am presuming it sits on a shelf? But that's my knowledge. Why do I need one? Am I ruining Christmas for my children forever? Will they be scarred mentally as the have no elf on a shelf? Can I quickly fashion one out of two socks?

And it doesn't stop there. My three year old is going to be the star in the Nativity Play. She is going to sing a solo. Whilst this is an honour and I will weep. I spent all day yesterday looking for an appropriate 'star outfit'. Gone are the black leotards with a bit of tin foil. Now they sell actual star outfits. I showed the £15 costume to my daughter and she wept. I have now purchased all manner of bits and pieces for her to wear from sparkly tights to a Debenhams tutu (Debenhams! I know!). And I woke up in the night thinking how ways to make a suitable star crown. As mother pointed out she's in a catholic preschool "so it better be good!".

When on earth did Christmas become so ruddy complicated? December for me is the happiest month of the year. I've always loved it. I even got married right by Christmas Day. I love the frosty mornings. I love the movies (I become American in December and say movies rather than films. 'Santa Claus. The Film' doesn't have the same ring to it). But today on Instagram there's elves on shelves and massive advent sticks and like these amazing bunting versions. And tiny little advent packages in brown packages with ribbon and shabby chic bells and oh god my kids must think I suck!

This morning they will be awaking (well they won't as I forgot to get them out the cupboard) to a Hello Kitty and Peppa Advent calendar from Poundland. You know the ones. That have that proper taste of Christmas. The bitter chocolate that you know if you ate a whole bar you may puke? I will be having an advent calander that I got free and the husband? He can just watch on with envy has he has jack sh*t. 

There will be no app to see if they are on the naughty or nice list, there will be no super posh wrapping paper. There will be that wrapping paper that is so thin it's a bugger to cut up but it has Disney Princesses on so will please my girl. Obviously we will have decorations and I will be honest perusing Pinterest and Insta-sham I have upped my game in the living room. And have purchased a lot of fawns and stags for some random reason? But the kids have their vintage decos up (aka tat in the shape of animals) and the tinsel? Is not luscious and would look good in a country manor. It's a bit tatty and gaudy. The best and most festive kind.

I'm hoping this enough for now for my two. And who knows next year I may have caved into elves on shelves. I will have a full on advent room where I buy special furniture and do an interpretative dance whilst a live band play The Pogues and my children open a new drawer each day to reveal some small mammals dressed as elves. Or? They will just be chomping on cheap choccys again*. 

*please note. I am not a elf on the shelf hater. Quite the opposite. I wish I was all shabby chic and super organised and just the best Christmas Mummy in the world ever. But? Alas. I'm not. Sob. Another failure in my little world of parenting. 
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