An NCT (Non Children Tasks) Class

Hello! And congratulations! You my friend are about to have, or already have had, a small beautiful baby. You've probably read a stack of books on what to do to help your baby sleep, or how to bath them or how the f*ck you use an electric pumping machine. You may have attended NCT classes prior to your labour and chatted about massaging your perineum (shudder) or what a mucus plug looks like (it's totes grim). 

But here online for you is an alternative NCT class. One that you can refer to time and time again. At your leisure during those lovely (cough cough) night feeds. From someone who has been there and done it. Twice. An NCT lesson in 'Non Children Tasks'. Activities you may feel you can tackle easily with small children in tow. The lack of sleep, combined with living off caffeine, means you feel invincible. You're not. You're high on tea and stale rusks. Heed my advice and don't say I didn't warn you.

Do not take small children clothes shopping. OK so you need some new clothes. And they are being quite well behaved so you think "F*ck it. I'm going to take a chance". I promise you you will regret this 'chance' when you are all crammed in a tiny Top Shop roasting hot changing room trying to squeeze into jeggings whist your baby screams or your toddler attacks you with a coat hanger.

Do not. I repeat. DO NOT think it is wise to do any of the following half way through nap time: go for a meal somewhere other than McDonalds, go for a smear test, attend a wedding, attend a wedding reception, see your bank manager, attempt a quiet coffee with a friend...basically. Do not attempt much when your child is supposed to be napping. Bar having a nice cup of tea and watching Made in Chelsea. Or you could clean? (HA!)

Whilst your child naps. Drink tea. Watch Reality TV. Do not attend a wedding in a silent church.

Do not walk down the aisle in Asda that has any Peppa toys. Or any aisle that has anything that relates to Peppa. Whether it be Peppa tissues, Peppa biscuits or Peppa tampons (it's got to exist somewhere?). Post two and a half. The same applies. But to Frozen.

Do not take small children with you to get an emergency filling. No amount of stickers and fruit shoots are going to stop them from standing at the bottom of your feet screaming. And? It's impossible to shout with a numb mouth.

George you money grabbing SWINE!

Do not attempt swimming with more than one small child. As it soon becomes clear? How can you stop one from drowning when you are trying to get the other one in the pool? IMPOSSIBLE. Stick to paddling pools. Or CBeebies on the tablet. Much safer. And drier. Lovely.

If you think "Oh today I shall risk leaving the baby bag at home. I'm only popping out for a minute!" That I can guarantee will be the day you need the baby bag so hard you will want to smash your own face in. There will be poo up the back, sick down the front and raisins up the nose. And that's just you.

Hell yeah you will be in this till you are 56.

If you think "Oh today I won't bother popping the buggy in the car. I won't need it!". See above. As this will be the day you lock your keys in the car, only realise post shopping and have to lug a car seat round for an hour or more. In the rain.

But hey don't let all the don'ts worry you! As there are lots of dos: do shop for jeggings from Top Shop (online), do shop in Asda (online), do go swimming (or watch Ocotonauts, there's water in that right?), do take the buggy and do take the baby bag. But nap time? NEVER EVER mess with nap time #napssavelives. 
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