Saturday, 30 May 2015

The Mum-Mobile

Learning to drive is one of life's most exciting adventures. The freedom! The ability to go where you want when you want! The joy of sitting in your car and listening to you favourite tunes! That automobile becomes like a good friend, it's part of the family and you love it like your child. Then? You have a child, who does everything in it's power to DESTROY YOUR CAR. Here are the traits of the everyday common 'Mum-Mobile'.

At first? You try to survive having a small baby with a two door car. Clinging onto the dream you can still rock a trendy small make that can nip in and out of traffic. This lasts approximately two weeks when you realise? BABY CAR SEATS BREAK BACKS. You resort to a five door saloon. It's huge, it's clunky but it means you don't swear under your breath but very close to your child's face every time you try to get the f*cking seat belt over the f*cking seat.

Whilst you used to maintain the upkeep of your car with regular washes and polishes the only wash it gets now? Is? The rain. Yes. It's wet. It manages to get rid of the bird sh*t (well most of it). You wonder why you once ever bothered with car washes. What a waste of money! You also mentally gloss over (rather than actually gloss over) any random bumps and scratches from when you may have been distracted from a weeping baby and your reversed into a bollard. Twice.

Rubbish. Peppa books. Toys. A giant eel. Of course!

Imagine a rubbish dump. Then times that by ten. And fill it mainly with moulding raisins. The inside of my car? Is soul destroying. There is rubbish, small tiny toys, objects you have never seen before and aren't really sure are yours, the odd dummy (which of course can NEVER be found when you actually need it), two fruit shoots rolling around. And a toy that cannot be found but every time you turn a corner? It says "Hello I'm Percy". Cleaned weekly. Wrecked within three minutes.

Frozen Sing Along. On repeat. Kids fighting. On Repeat. Kids sleeping when they shouldn't. Kids not sleeping when they should. Screaming. Shouting. Trying people trying to open doors and sometimes the odd swear from the driver (ahem that would be me then).

Now. Whatever you do? DO NOT SLEEP. Oh sh*t.

A boot filled with every piece of useless crap known to man. Including a rain cover for an unknown buggy. A 6-9 months babygro. A broken ball. Bent out of shape window shades. Two sets. Dirty coats. Dirty shoes. Dirty pants (NOT MINE!) and so on. Oh and a potty. Which really should have been used in the situation when the car seat was weed on.

Look I can't moan. I'm lucky to have an old banger to drive to soft play and hurriedly shove kids in and go to pre-school. And twice a week? I get to drive to and from work listening to Ultimate Boybands rather than Anna and Elsa. But if I don't find that "Hello I'm Percy" toy soon? I'm going to lose my sh*t.


  1. A mum mobile is like an extension of a mum handbag. A larger receptacle for crap. ;) x

  2. You are right. Before kids I drove a small sporty fiat with sports seats and alloys and now!? A SEVEN seat people carrier with mud all over the seats and carpets... FML. xx

  3. OMG I think you're actually talking about MY car!!Lol.Mine hasn't been washed in forever and has the obligatory fruit shoots and a few dolls arms,gawd only knows where the bodies have been buried x

  4. Haha! You have described every parents car. I can't get over the food I find in my car. Like you said, raisins, biscuits, packets of something I don't remember seeing since last year! I only just cleaned my car the other day. It took me half a day to do.

  5. You've described pretty much every mum's car ever there. Apart from mine. Mine is a bit grubby, but I've never had much crap in it. Yet my husband will not believe that my car is in a better state that other mums' cars and still thinks it's a sh*t-tip :( I can't win!

  6. I had one of these cars, I miss having a mum mobile mine was absolutely disgusting again within minutes of cleaning it but the worst mess ever.......... exploded cheap poundland neck pillows...........thousands and thousands of tiny white balls EVERYWHERE FOREVER!

  7. Yep, this is totally my car too. Always finding mouldy grapes or half eaten breadsticks everywhere, and there are snack wrappers all over the place. Great post x

  8. As usual, you hit the nail on the head! Speaking of things in the 'interior', I have actually found things I have never even seen before including a bracelet ( my husband swears he knows nothing about it) and a few odd toys. I always know where to look for those long overdue library books!! x

  9. Brilliant, blonde Em! So funny. Hope you find "I'm Percy" soon. I let my toddler eat a croissant on the way to school this morning - one that I'd crisped up real nice by forgetting it was in the oven (he found it in the freezer). Carnage. xx


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