"Emma. Would you come in here a minute please?" My husband has used his posh voice. He's referred to me by my actual name. Sh*t. Somethings wrong with the kids. It's going to be f*cking chicken pox. I mentally locate where I put the calamine lotion (oh yes that's right. It's still in the shop) as I run to the bathroom.
Investigation
No pox on show. Result! Husband is looking terrified. Daughter bemused. He mouths "nits". My son tips water over my top as I look on in terror.
Denial
"That's not nits". I think to myself. "It's just a bit of dirt"! The dirt moves. I let out a small yelp. Reverse three steps into the hall. Mouth "F*CK" to my husband. And try not to projectile vomit.
Pre discovery. They are waiting. Sly sods
Acceptance
Sh*t. Right. Nits. OK. Nits. Nothing to worry about. It's only SMALL TINY BUGS LIVING ON MY ACTUAL DAUGHTER. I'm going to kill these nits so hard. They aren't going to know what's nit them. I mean hit them. F*ck you nits! This is war. My son tips water on the floor.
Panic
Except. I don't know how to kill nits. I need a comb. Or something? Every drawer in the house is emptied in the vain hope that at some point someone other than me brought a nit comb. I find nothing. I google 'how to kill nits in the most aggressive way without hurting my child'. My son tips water over his sister.
Problem solving
"Daddy do you want to pop to the shop to get that stuff for you know what?" "For the nits?" My daughter looks up from the bath wondering why the hell my voice is so high and squeaky. "No... For the...
Hey. That's right! Rub them on your brother too!
Lying
...DoodleBugs (!?)". Yep. I've gone down the route of lying. I continue the lie by telling my small child that the nits are in fact little creatures that like parties in hair. Called DoodleBugs. They go to clean hair and live there as clean hair throws the best kind of DoodleBug parties. She's honoured. She's happy. She loves her DoodleBugs. My son wishes he has DoodleBugs. He sadly tips water over his own head.
Death
F*ck. I forgot I now have to systematically kill every one of her beloved DoodleBugs. In front of her face. With the DoodleBug lotion which makes them "sleepy and in no way shape or form dead". She's happy as some are sleeping on her leg. I try not to vomit. Again.
Aftermath
Hair is stripped. Kids in bed. Pillows are stripped. If I could shave the dog I would. Brushes are thrown away. Every part of me itches. I spend the evening wondering how to ensure my girl doesn't try and catch DoodleBugs again. And what they hell she is going to tell the teacher at preschool tomorrow. I dream of nits in my own hair. And look suspiciously at my husbands.
F*cking DoodleBugs.
Use tea tree shampoo and conditioner (leave the conditioner in). The nits don't like it!
ReplyDeleteI defo need to do this! x
DeleteJust reading this has me scratching imaginary itches on my head! Xxx
ReplyDeleteMine has not stopped itching since! x
DeleteI think I am dreading this stage more than chicken pox! It makes me itch just thinking about it x
ReplyDeleteBab? It is HORRIBLE! x
DeleteI am literally laughing so hard right now. I'm not looking forward to crossing that bridge when my girl grows some actual hair. Pretty sure I'm going to call them doodlebugs though...because it just sounds way more fun :-)
ReplyDeleteIt does doesn't it and just try not to vom. IT IS HORRIBLE! x
DeleteWe were 'doodlebugged' recently. You're right, it's shit. Vosene do a good treatment shampoo though and I'd recommend Hedrin - not the cheap supermarket own brand I was conned into buying as it's c*ap and doesn't work.... Best of British to you!
ReplyDeleteIt is so horrible and I think they have come back! x
DeleteWe were 'doodlebugged' recently. You're right, it's shit. Vosene do a good treatment shampoo though and I'd recommend Hedrin - not the cheap supermarket own brand I was conned into buying as it's c*ap and doesn't work.... Best of British to you!
ReplyDeleteAnd now I am itching.....lol DoodleBugs sounds so much nicer...
ReplyDeleteSo much nicer! x
DeleteOh my goodness, thinking of shaving my sons head this weekend x
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha ha do it! x
DeleteUgh, takes me back to being back at primary school - where doodlebugs were rife!
ReplyDeleteJenna at Tinyfootsteps xx
SO GROSS!! x
DeleteI recommend using spray in conditioner and the nitty gritty comb - It costs £10 but got every one of the little blighters... I mean DoodleBugs and the tiny eggs when my daughter had them (which she kept announcing loudly to anyone who'd listen!!!) and no chemicals used! You can use the comb once a week to try and prevent a reoccurrence too... No excuse me while I go and scratch my head...��xxx
ReplyDeleteI am defo going to have to do it again. I'm even getting my Mum to do it today! x
DeleteI hate to admit it but eldest seems to be prone to them and the only thing that helps is the nitty gritty comb as its actually gets rid of the eggs aswell as the lice. You know it's bad when you kind of get used to them and are checking her head, without realising, in the supermarket! xx
ReplyDeleteThat's what I have started doing! x
DeleteOh no, it sounds horrendous. I hate anything bug related. I had a panic a couple of months ago when I thought O had nit eggs in his hair. Turned out to be a flaky scalp but for about half an hour I was in total panic & frantically googling all things nitty. xx
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha ha!! Sarah at Taming Twins did the same! x
DeleteEek! We've been there so many times I've lost count. At first it was the worst thing in the world and we tried to pretend it wasn't happening, now it's just a hassle, but we're not ashamed and we don't try to hide it. I suspect someone in my younger son's class doesn't treat their hair properly because we've had them three or four times a year in the seven years he's been at school and they always start with him. Things have got a bit better since I insisted on plaits rather than ponytails/ bunches for my daughter and since my eldest went to secondary. Hopefully when no2 son goes in September, they will be gone forever!
ReplyDeleteIt's SUCH a hassle isn't it?? I think my girl has got it again. Plaits from now on x
DeleteOh this is hilarious and takes me back! I remember when Holly had them, I was at work scratched my head and one fell onto the piece of paper in front of me! I had no idea I had nits and had to spend the rest of the day knowing they were there ha ha!!
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha! This is my fear! x
DeleteHa! That's was funny. As yet my children have been nit free, but I work in a primary school which has lots of nits crawling about.... It does freak me out, and I find myself leaning away from the children when sitting with them!!! x
ReplyDeleteOh god same here. You can see them running around can't you? x
DeleteOne of my most embarrassing moments ever was going to a posh hairdressers for a treat (I normally just cut my own hair) and them telling me they couldn't do my hair as I had nits!! The joys of having kids and working in a primary school!
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha! Oh god how mortifying! x
DeleteOOh just reading this makes me scratch my head. I'm dreading this but know it WILL happen sooner or later! Please God let it be much later!!
ReplyDeleteMuch. Much. Later x
DeleteVery funny! Nits are feral....not that I have had them in my household...yet. I hope you killed all of those hell Doodlebugs :) xo
ReplyDeleteBloody doodle bugs! x
DeleteHow can you make nits funny!! Hope you got those doddlebugs good and proper. Eek (I cannot face them. Please don't let them come here) xx
ReplyDeleteSteer clear of me bab!!! x
DeleteI'm sorry I am laughing. I dread this day xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's horrible! x
DeleteYep, it's a flippin nightmare! We are currently battling it at the moment. My boys hate hair washing and so the whole thing is hellish. I also I have an itchy head now *joy*
ReplyDeleteIt's awful! I am continuously itching!!! x
DeleteI can't remember what I was going to comment with BECAUSE I AM ITCHING ALL OVER. Bloody Doodlebug bastards
ReplyDeleteTHEY GET EVERYWHERE! x
DeleteThis is making me itch just reading it. Hate those flipping things. Love this though x
ReplyDeleteThanks lovely lady! Hope Cannes was amazing x
DeleteReading this has made me so itchy. Damn, why did I read this?
ReplyDeleteMwah ha ha haaaaaa x
DeleteI'm dreading them coming to visit our house. Mainly because of my hair and my other half having no clue how to handle long hair. Last time he came near my hair with a comb it had to be cut out!
ReplyDeleteThat has really really made me giggle! x
Delete