26.5.15

Who Am I?

This bank holiday I had the very exciting task (i.e the worlds most boring task) of sorting through my Books, DVDs and CDs. We are redecorating our dining room, aka the playroom, aka 'the sh*thole'. And through the course of the FOUR HOURS it took me to sort them I went on a little sentimental journey.

There were films brought with ex boyfriends, films enjoyed with best friends who I don't see much of anymore, films that got me through break ups and films I loved when I was growing up. Albums I danced to, albums I cried too and albums, well by men I just fancied. Books that had romantic notes in written by first boyfriends, or flyers from clubs (remember them?!) I had visited in Ibiza (I KNOW IBIZA!).

Fun with a beer!

And the whole little job left me a bit, well a bit 'meh'. Over the course of the past six years of getting married, being pregnant, having babies and raising toddlers I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I forgot that I used to love watching old 80's films like Pretty in Pink. I forgot that I weirdly know all the words to The Monkees Greatest Hits. I forgot that I used to buy books purely based on their cover (dead sophis me). It's as if the 'me' before 'them' has totally vanished. She's gone. And I don't really know how I feel about it. It makes me sad.

Life of course is now full of a whole other different level of joy with cuddles, laughter, first words, first teeth, first "I love you's". Books are Peppa based and sing along Frozen is played on repeat. Becoming a Mother has changed me for the better but I thought the seamless slip into parenting would come a lot easier than it has. My love for them is unquestionable. It is solid. Spending time with them is (nearly) always a joy...bar the times where I find myself wondering what on earth am I supposed to do next.

Fun with Thomas!

What will happen when they grow up? What will happen when I'm not "Mummy" anymore. When I can't hide behind the dry shampoo and huge Mum coat? When I am not needed for school runs. When movie afternoons are a non Mum related activity. When I have to return to work full time nearly 20 years older than new teachers. In my saner moments I know it will be fine, everyone does it don't they? Get a bit of their life back, go out, go on cruise. But in my more manic moments. I am f*cking terrified.

Maybe it's a mid life crisis. Maybe it's looking through too many old Take That albums. Maybe I am just a grumpy cow who just needs a Kit Kat Chunky and a good nights sleep. Or maybe I need to set some time away from Peppa and Elsa and retrain my brain to be a bit more 'me'. I'm sure it's just a blip and normal service will be resumed soon. And you know what I did yesterday afternoon? Listened to The Monkees Greatest Hits. Albeit whilst I did the vacuuming. It was glorious.
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