There were films brought with ex boyfriends, films enjoyed with best friends who I don't see much of anymore, films that got me through break ups and films I loved when I was growing up. Albums I danced to, albums I cried too and albums, well by men I just fancied. Books that had romantic notes in written by first boyfriends, or flyers from clubs (remember them?!) I had visited in Ibiza (I KNOW IBIZA!).
Fun with a beer!
And the whole little job left me a bit, well a bit 'meh'. Over the course of the past six years of getting married, being pregnant, having babies and raising toddlers I'm not really sure who I am anymore. I forgot that I used to love watching old 80's films like Pretty in Pink. I forgot that I weirdly know all the words to The Monkees Greatest Hits. I forgot that I used to buy books purely based on their cover (dead sophis me). It's as if the 'me' before 'them' has totally vanished. She's gone. And I don't really know how I feel about it. It makes me sad.
Life of course is now full of a whole other different level of joy with cuddles, laughter, first words, first teeth, first "I love you's". Books are Peppa based and sing along Frozen is played on repeat. Becoming a Mother has changed me for the better but I thought the seamless slip into parenting would come a lot easier than it has. My love for them is unquestionable. It is solid. Spending time with them is (nearly) always a joy...bar the times where I find myself wondering what on earth am I supposed to do next.
Fun with Thomas!
What will happen when they grow up? What will happen when I'm not "Mummy" anymore. When I can't hide behind the dry shampoo and huge Mum coat? When I am not needed for school runs. When movie afternoons are a non Mum related activity. When I have to return to work full time nearly 20 years older than new teachers. In my saner moments I know it will be fine, everyone does it don't they? Get a bit of their life back, go out, go on cruise. But in my more manic moments. I am f*cking terrified.
Maybe it's a mid life crisis. Maybe it's looking through too many old Take That albums. Maybe I am just a grumpy cow who just needs a Kit Kat Chunky and a good nights sleep. Or maybe I need to set some time away from Peppa and Elsa and retrain my brain to be a bit more 'me'. I'm sure it's just a blip and normal service will be resumed soon. And you know what I did yesterday afternoon? Listened to The Monkees Greatest Hits. Albeit whilst I did the vacuuming. It was glorious.