17.6.15

What The Hell Is a Basic B*tch And Am I One?!

I'm sat in a coffee shop. The boy has joyously fallen asleep so I've got an hour or so to catch up on all the worlds news. OK so I brought Grazia. Because it was a £1. The cover story is the one about Kate Moss calling an Easy Jet pilot a 'Basic B*tch'* after the police escorted her off a plane due to her being tipsy on vodka. Was I shocked and upset by this story? Not really, I couldn't give a sh*t. But what I was upset about was...I literally have NO CLUE what 'Basic B*tch' means? Mossy is four years older than me and is managing to use youth speak like there's no tomorrow. Whilst I'm still getting my head round "totes", "cray cray" and "amazeballs".

Recently I have come to the decision I am literally from another planet. I've been watching Love Island on ITV2. Apart from saying "Oh it's not as good as the year Jayne Middlemiss lost her sh*t over Lee Sharpe" approximately every ten minutes, I also am confused about the world they are from.  They speak with words my ears do not know. What does "pied" mean? Why do the men wear super short shorts? And how come the women don't mind being traded around like pieces of meat? Why are they wearing full make up around the pool? And more importantly why do the men have much better eyebrows (and legs) than me?!


When I was 20 it was the late 90s and our role models were laddettes ala Sara Cox and Zoe Ball. Men were scruffy in jeans that weren't skintight and didn't look a bit like ladies jeggings. There were no lovers tiffs over social media. If you had photos taken on nights out you had to wait for them to be developed to see the shenanigans that you had got up to and if your make up looked good (it didn't). Yeah sure there was still heartbreak, rows and inappropriate PDAs. But thank The Lord there was no public shaming. No being "pied" or "mugged off" on Facebook for all to see. There's no evidence of me flashing my boobs on a girls holiday for future bosses to see. Or video footage of me puking on my 21st. 

Do I still fit in today's world? Could I in fact be a 'Basic B*tich'? Am I in fact mugging myself off? Did my husband recently pie me? And do I need to get him tiny fluorescent shorts and make him have huge sculpted brows? Should I walk round with a contoured face and do something weird in a shot glass so I have huge lips? No of course I shouldn't. I am a 37 year old Mother of two who loves pyjamas more than reasonable. My lips are bog standard. And my husbands brows? Bushy.

In fact? I am ridiculously glad that I lived my early 20s away from all this. I am glad that my dumping's (sob) took place over the phone or to my face. We did our contouring with what is commonly know as 'blusher'. Men's shorts were combats and knee length. And? The only pie I liked was apple and scorching hot from McDonalds. 


*Basic bitch (or simply basic) is a slang term in American popular culture used to pejoratively describe people who like popular, mainstream products or music. Well that's cleared that up then.
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