31.7.15

15 Ways To Ensure A Pre-Holiday Breakdown

1) tell your children that you are going on holiday a month before you go. To ensure that they are going to ask about said holiday thirty five times an hour. Every hour. And intermittently weep as they still have three weeks to wait.

2) but? rather than deciding to start to pack for your holiday a month before you go. Don't. Leave it till two days before you go and discover the following...

3) ...for a week's holiday in the UK you need for two children: fourteen outfits each, a variety of pyjamas, spare pants, summer coats, winter coats, sun tan lotion, woolly tights, gloves.

4) ...however you don't appear to actually own seven pairs of pants.

5) ...and you only have three pairs of leggings that you are somehow going to have to rotate, or rinse in the sink. Which is just as well as by taking 30+ outfits for your offspring? Three leggings and four pants is all you can shoe horn in.

Half way through packing. AND I'M LOVING LIFE!

6) whilst doing all the packing you decide you HATE IT SO MUCH AND THAT IT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU ALWAYS DO IT. So you send your husband a few passive aggressive texts. One which includes an angry faced emoticon...

7)...but you would NEVER let him actually pack as that would involve him just remembering one pair of your leggings. And no pants.

8) whilst in the middle of packing you decide to take a break and try your old swimming costume on. This results in tears and five minutes lying face down on your bed. Which is covered in wellies, jelly shoes and swimming nappies.

9) you finally manage to pack. Four cases, a baby bag, a picnic bag, a bin bag for shoes, a bin bag for coats, a bin bag for random crap your kids want. Including a dirty teddy, a smelly IgglePiggle, a broken Peppa Pig phone and so on.

10) time for body maintenance! You've given yourself two hours to try to and get your body to look a bit like those ladies off of the Myleene Klass beach ads. This includes doing the following...

To shame him on the internet forever. The way my husbands 'packs'.

11) ...buying a home dye hair kit. They don't have the one you usually use. So you use a random one. And leave it on too long whilst you pack more random crap you forgot and a bit of your hair goes blue. Like a real crap X-Men character.

12) ...next you shave all the bits on show. Paying special attention to your toes.

13) ...you hack at your private hairy bits with a pair of kids scissors as you've forgotten any kind of bikini line kit. You husband walks in. And worryingly doesn't say anything.

14) you finally fall into bed at midnight. Hair free (kinda), moisturised to within an inch your life, smelling of cheap hair dye and brown biscuit self tanning lotion if you're feeling really fancy. You finally relax. Excited of time away with your little family.

15) Then? You think of the post holiday washing. And you internally shout 'F*CKING HOLIDAYS'.

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