Sunday, 26 July 2015

The Little White Lies Of Parenting

Before we get started. Let's all agree lying is a bad thing. If my children lied to me? I would go ballistic. If my husband lied to me? There would be shouting. But? Sometimes we need to lie. It may be exhaustion or sheer desperation. I prefer to call them 'white lies' or fibs. Fibs don't sound so bad. 'Lie' suggests 'having an affair for ten years'. 'Fib' suggests 'Father Christmas really exists'.

I find that the fibs I tell in parenting come in three sections. The bog standard 'worldwide' fib, the 'never gonna happen' fib and the 'good god why the hell did I say that?' fib that I instantly regret. So behold my little white lies of parenting...

This man? Is real!
The Bog Standard 'Worldwide' Fib
  • Father Christmas exists.
  • The Easter Bunny exists.
  • The Tooth Fairy exists.
  • The characters in In The Night Garden Live are real. (And yes that is a zip. Didn't you know Igglgpiggle always had a zip on his back?)
  • The Disney Princesses in Disneyland are real. (Yes I know that Elsa doesn't really look like that but she's tired today!)
I'm not coming after you!

The 'Never Gonna Happen' Fib
  • If you run away again I won't chase after you! (Of course I will as I don't wish to be arreseted for neglect).
  • Fine then. I am just going to leave you lying on the floor! (Looks around Asda shiftily to see if anyone may steal you).
  • If you keep this up? There will be no birthday or Christmas presents! (Of course there will be. What kind of monster Mother do you think I am?).
  • If you don't stop being mean you will NOT be going to that party on Saturday (You could technically stab me in the face and you will most definitely still be going to the party as it's the only time I stand the chance of hot tea and a piece of cake).
  • I am going to phone up your Daddy! (This is not going to happen as he would laugh when I said you kept shouting "BOOBIES" at your sister).
This is Mummy's medicine. For her nails.

The 'Good God Why The Hell Did I Say That?' Fib
  • If you keep touching your privates your fingers will smell of fish.
  • If you hit your brother one more time your arm will fall off. Then what will you do?
  • This is not chocolate. This is special 'Mummy' medicine. Mmmmm medicine for? My nails?
  • I've got your pre-school teacher on the phone! She says she's not happy with you! No you can't speak to her. She's gone now to do mmmm other teacher things.
  • One more tantrum and I am going to make a little house in the garden where you shall live with NO TV!
  • No you can't watch Peppa. She ran away. Daddy Pig has go to go and find her. Yes. He is a bit sad about it. No she's not in our garden. I'm sure she's not in our park. Oh look she's back! (Damn).
If you are a parent that survives on not fibbing to your child ever so often you totally win at parenting hands down. I admire you. But I? Have to tell the odd white lie ever so often. Just to keep me sane and try and win the battle ever so often. And is that a new top you have on? It really suits you!


  1. I lie to my kids all the I don't think I could survive if I didn't....
    Tonight I said the kids had to go to bed at 9pm because we have a busy day tomorrow....Just so I can watch Humans in peace! We have nothing on tomorrow so when they're up early I only have my self to blame. lol

  2. Haha! We all tell them...fibs. Sounds so much better than lies. If I want my son to go to bed just a bit earlier (he obviously can't tell the time yet), I will just say all his shows aren't on tonight. He looks at me puzzled, and I feel like a Queen Bitch, but meh, I want my chocolate without him seeing it!

    1. Fibs sounds SO MUCH better!!! Chocolate should not be shared! x

  3. Whoops! Laughing at the fingers smelling of fish - bleurgh!
    My friend foolishly told her son he couldn't go to our house to have tea with my son if he didn't start behaving. He didn't start behaving, so he couldn't come round! I was amazed. We threaten this stuff all the time, but we never see it through. Then because she felt bad for my son, she invited him to the cinema two days later!

    1. I god I never see things like that through!!! Ever!!! x

  4. I feel bad for the whole tooth fairy business. Plus it's a pain in the backside. But I do feel that we shouldn't deprive kids of the magic of Father Christmas. As for the other fibs--a mum has to do what a mum has to do! x

    1. Oh god I still pretend to my kids at school that there is a Father Christmas!!! They don't believe me. Why??? x

  5. So funny.
    I also have a cupboard full of "mummy's medicine" that looks like chocolate but really stops my head exploding and of course the girls wouldn't want mummy's head to explode.
    I do follow through on the no party one though, the best threat for me is no dance class, I only had to follow through once and they brick it when I tell them they might not go....

    1. Oh yeah once you do it once they know you mean business don't they!!! x

  6. Love this! When I want my boys in bed at a decent time I tell them its really late and say. "Do you know what time it is? It's nearly 10 'clock! Way past your bedtime - you HAVE to go to bed now" In reality it's like 6pm but I've had a hard day and am knackered so need my "me" time!! This isn't going to wash on E much longer though sadly!


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