Totally Inappropriate 'Mum'

Yesterday evening I went with a couple of friends to see the Channing Tatum film Magic Mike XXL. The cinema was packed with groups of women in their 30's or older. As the lights dimmed someone shouted "Show us your sexy bodies!". It was 6.30pm on a Wednesday evening. And? Was I disgusted? Or embarrassed? Did I think "Jeez. The shame!". No. I did what every other woman did in the whole cinema and howl with laughter. For the next two hours I smiled like a gormless loon, made totally inappropriate comments about Mr Tatum and exclaimed as I left "I SHALL BUY THIS ON DVD!" followed by a Sid James cackle.

The cackle of a proper 100% totally stereotypical 'Mum'. Someone that you could well imagine being a rough 'Mum' character in Eastenders. Loves a nice bit of Lambrini and flashing her knickers on a night out. Whilst in my early 20's I remember a man shouting out to me something original along the lines of "give us a smile blondie!". And? I was outraged. HOW DARE HE! How dare he not class me as a human. But just a bit of blonde totty. Disgusting creature. Last week? A man beeped his horn at me. And let's be honest he could just have been doing it as I was driving sh*t. But I fist punched the air and though "YES! Still got it!". I was over the ruddy moon.

LOOK AT HIM! Cackle Cackle Cackle

On the odd occasions I do go out with my mates we inevitably end up discussing which beardy youth we think is handsome in whatever bar we are at. But not subtly like you do when you are youth yourself. There are more cackles. Followed by pointing. Shouting and the odd "You're gorgeous you are!". As they look on terrified and their equally beardy mates laugh at the 'Mums on the Razz'. Let's be clear we love our husbands very much but we want to feel like we sill fit in. That we aren't past it. But we are clinging on for dear life.

I have a fascination with programmes like Big Brother, Made in Chelsea and TOWIE. I like to immerse myself into a world vicariously that I in no way shape or form belong to. When older kids I teach discuss which characters they fancy and I overhear them in the playground I like to pipe in with "I love Stevie I do!". They look at me. Like they want to be sick in their mouths, roll their eyes and carry on.

I now dance like a 'Mum'. Slightly sweaty and enjoying it a bit too much. I say 'Mum' things to my friends like "Don't forget to bring your coat!"or "It's ever so noisy in here shall we go somewhere a bit quieter?". I go for a wee every hour and for some unknown reason I really enjoy a rude joke. But do you know what? That's what happens isn't it? If I was doing aloof dancing, getting embarrassed watching Channing Tatum parade around in a thong and shouted at men who beeped their horn at me?  I would still be stuck in my 20's. And yeah I was thinner. And yeah my boobs didn't flop round my knees. But being a totally inappropriate 'Mum' kinda rocks. Especially when you are doing the full dance routine to Single Ladies, with your big pants flashing, not giving a flying f*ck what the beardy youths think.

Still got it.

Pic: Not taken by me alas. From
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