Ah one of the great joys of being a Mum is all the time we have to spend on ourselves. We are forever taking lovely little breaks and having a nice rest. Tea is always hot and never like luke warm sick. The TV is always on Made in Chelsea and never Peppa Pig. And we sleep? Like babies...which is weird as in reality our babies never f*cking sleep. I can't remember the last time I had a hot drink and if I see that bingly bongly episode of Peppa one more time? I'm going to smash my own face in. So here are the ways to try and sneak in a bit of 'me' time in. Whilst being the Mother of teeny tiny people.
1) Drive to the McDonalds drive through and indulge in a McFlurry whilst they nap. Every time you take a mouthful of those sweet smarties. Relish in the fact? YOU AREN'T SHARING!!!
3) Make Dad do bath time. Take your bra off and hit the trendiest new bar in town! The one in your back garden. Pyjamas are allowed and multipack chocolate bars are always on offer to eat. Two or more is compulsory.
4) If you have to do a train journey alone. Make the most of this time buy indulging in booze in a tin and Percy (and not that sod Peppa) Pigs. However if your journeys alone are at 7am on the way to work? I would scrap this one.
5) Have a bath! Lock the door, ignoring the screams as they run riot around your husband and in no way shape or form gag at the stinking mouldy toys approximately two inches from your face.
6) See number 1. But replace with a Diet Coke and a McChicken Sandwich Meal.
7) Hide in the kitchen and eat leftover pick n mix. Put the radio on loudly. Shout you are "washing up!". If they come in? Claim it's medicine for mmmmmm your 'poorly' hand or summat.
8) Household chores constitute as 'me time'. Could be vacuuming, could be packing, or hey even polishing! (which can easily be done with a baby wipe). You used to go out for drinks with your chums to relax. Now you lie face down on your bed surrounded by tiny shoes and grown men's trunks. You lucky, lucky thing!
Other 'me times' include: the weekly shop, reading Heat magazine on the toilet whilst you poo, popping to the doctors for a smear test, getting an emergency filling and the most luxurious of all me times? Getting your hair cut so you don't look like a hobo. In fact with all this me time? One wonders why we moan!*
*totes sarcastic obvs.