Planning is key with this one. A Peppa episode lasts four minutes. So go, go, go! Kettle on. Pour. Stew for a minute and drink within two. OK so you may scald your mouth but that's better than tepid sick style tea with floaty milk bits or the odd renegade raisin (seriously those b*stards get everywhere).
God Bless Britters
Mission: To eat a chocolate bar. Undiscovered
Healthy eating blah blah. We should promote fruit and veg blah blah. All we want to do after a long day going slowly insane by being stuck in the house with two tiny tots is eat a bit of chocolate in peace. This can be done in the following ways 1) eat with head in fridge whilst 'looking' for grapes 2) say "LOOK AT THAT! Mr Tumble is in the garden!" and consume the whole thing in two pieces 3) pretend it is medicine.
Mission: To watch the remainder of Made in Chelsea. In peace
You only have 20 minutes to find out who Jamie's cheated on. You know that this is not appropriate for your toddler (curse you morals) so you organise the 'great jigsaw challenge!'. Get out every jigsaw your child owns. And say. "If you can get all of these done. You can win a prize!"*. Relax and watch the reality drama unfold. Smug at your educational methods of play. *Optional - hide at least two pieces to delay completion.
Mission: To wee. Alone
Again Peppa is four minutes which is time to wee. However if you feel four minutes will not suffice and you don't fancy your toddler watching and questioning "why does it look like that?" or "what is that up your foo Mummy?". The the only way forward is? Biscuits and an episode of Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse. If this settles the little mites for a bit then by all means read the latest copy of Heat whilst you poo. Multi-tasking is key when being a parent.
Mission: To leave the house. Undetected
We all need a break. You've got a babysitter but you know for sure sobbing will ensue as you try to leave for a (some say treat I say basic human right) haircut. You could always revert to Peppa but this may have been used for tea breaks throughout the day. There's no way you can humanly fill them with any more biscuits. Jigsaws throughout the house have been completed (even the ridiculously hard Thomas one). So. There is only one way to do this. Tell a bare faced lie of where you are going. I always use "I am off to clean". No specifics. Just clean. Somewhere. And as we know toddlers hate cleaning! Works every bloody time!
Once you have completed all five missions successfully you are ready to tackle others such as 'have a phone call without your child screaming throughout' or 'eating a bag of crisps in front them and not having to share' or 'listening to grown up music in the car'. But baby steps. Being a double agent is hard. Now got to go. I have a four minute window to drink tea, wee and eat the kids Smarties, sorry I mean take my 'medicine'. Happy days.