More Me. Less Martyr

This is another one of those posts where I don't know if it's just me. So if it is just me. Apologies. Think I'm a bit loopy and then move on. But if it's not just me. Phew! Today was the first Wednesday where my daughter was at school all day, and my son in nursery. Each week he will be going in one day to ensure he gets a spot for his free hours at Easter. Today? I felt weird. Today it dawned on me I am just a 'School Run Mum'.

When you are pregnant. You are pregnant! Everyone is happy for you. Shop assistants stop you to chat. Then you have a baby. And you are a new Mum! You get to moan about the sleepless nights and all the hard work that comes with it. And have the benefits of that gorgeous tiny baby smell. The toddler years come and along with it are rolling eyes and tales of terrible behaviour. Whilst I am still firmly in these years with my son. On a Wednesday? I'm not. I'm back to being 'me'. I now sleep well (most) nights, there is no sick down my top and really? My hair should look clean most of the time. But? I'm finding this adjustment hard.

I think I've got into cycle of being knackered. Being run ragged. I rarely sit still. When my two are around if I'm not sitting watching them draw, I am putting a baby wipe around the kitchen surface. I've got used to HUGE pants. And as you know I am all for jamas on before teatime. But now life has at last become more manageable. I however have totally forgotten how to relax. I can't really remember what I like. When was the last time I listened to an album that wasn't Disney based? My husband thinks I've lost the plot. He's encouraging me to just take a breath, pause and enjoy life.

But if I start to enjoy everything, if I'm not finding it hard, where does that leave me? Does that mean that I am just the 'School Run Mum'. That walks up, chats to her mates, goes for a hot chocolate. Uses nice shampoo and not just that of the dry variety? After nearly five years is it finally OK for me to sit down, relax and watch Real Housewives in peace and quiet? Is it allowed? Can I stop being a martyr and start being 'me'?

I am sure that this is just a strange period of adjustment. And that finally letting go a bit of my two small children has affected me more than I would like to admit. It's easy to be stuck in the never ending tiring whirlwind that is being a new Mum, rather than trying to work out who I am. Hopefully in the coming months I will become accustomed to my Wednesday's 'off' and learn to enjoy them. But for now? I am going to put the vacuum round and pop a load of washing on.
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