5.10.15

Sometimes? I Lie Down In A Dark Room

Sometimes. When I know my children are happily playing downstairs. One may be on the tablet. Whilst the other is colouring. I go upstairs. Somewhere where I can still hear their chitter chatter. And I lie down. Face down. In a dark room. I'm exhausted. And I breathe. Slowly. And think of nothing. Just for a bit. I push worries of washing up, homework and making the tea out of my mind. And I lie. Very, very still.

For the past few years life has been a never ending rush. And most of the time it is amazing. And fun. But it can also be exhausting. And draining. It may be because I am too hard on myself. The house is always clean, my books at work are always marked and every second of every day is full. Jam packed. Of stuff. I struggle to relax. Working part time I feel guilty I'm not bringing in as much as my husband. So I overcompensate with never ending vacuuming and polishing.

My head. Face down. On this duvet.

My mind is also full of worry. Worry that as my two are growing up where does that leave me? In a few years time I will have no children at home. What will I do then? Will I return to work seven years behind my peers in my career? I'm finding it hard to live in the moment and not worry about the future. So sometimes I lie down. And stop. And try and regain the balance in my day. 

Whilst I'm lying there I wonder. I wonder if other Mum's lie face down? Maybe in the middle of packing for a big holiday. Or wrapping one bazillion birthday presents. Or perhaps when they are writing invitations or filling in huge school application forms. Do they simply put down what they are doing. Find the nearest bed. And lie down. In the dark. Face buried deep in the duvet. And wait. Quietly. Until it is noticed that they are missing. 

It's generally happens after five minutes. Or if you're lucky. Ten. Before the chitter chatter turns to fighting. Or someone jumps on you demanding snacks. The phone may ring or someone screams "Mummmmmmmmmyyyyy!!!" up the stairs. And I push myself up with an unladylike grunt and crack on with the rest of the day. 
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