The ULTIMATE Child Bribe Guide

There are times in life when you need to bribe your small child. Now I am not saying this is massively great parenting but it is a fact of life. And if you wish to call it 'positive praise'?. Then go ahead and do so. I do. You may need to bribe them whilst you are having an emergency filling. You may need to bribe them to smile in baptism photos. Or very recently (and uber fancy) I was on live tele and had to bribe my son so hard not to come on and shout "BOOBIES". Blimey he got a lot out of me that day. So here my friends is The ULTIMATE Child Bribe Guide. Little treats that will keep your tiny tots happy...and smiling for those ruddy all important family photos.

Fruit Shoot
Before I had children I was not aware of the magic of the mighty 'Fruit Shoot'. But this is like crack to my pair. We don't tend to have them in the house as they go all manic and demand them for breakfast. However if we are going out for the day, or are maybe at a meal or party. They know that a fruit shoot is a sure fire thing. So next time they are screaming whilst you are waiting for your starters in a fancy restaurant. OK The Harvester. Hastily shout "AND TWO FRUIT SHOOTS" to the waitress and enjoy three minutes of bliss.

Don't you dare shout "BOOBIES"! Quick eat some smarties!

If Fruit Shoots are like crack then Smarties are like mmmmm some food based drug (I'm not hot on my drug lingo). Could be the fact they are in a cardboard tube. Or that they come in lots of bright colours. I dunno but the Smartie is my weapon of choice. I have a locked cupboard with a tin with them in*. If we are going out somewhere a bit stressful for example the wedding of a close friend. I pop a few in my bag. And by few I mean a multipack of four.

What did we do before the common tablet was invented? Before mad ladies opened Kinder Eggs on YouTube? Well I tell you what we did. We ate meals in The Harvester REALLY fast. We lay in bed at 5am with a small child willing CBeebies to come on. Car journeys to Disneyland Paris were hugely stressful as some f*cker lost the wires to the DVD player. Life was a dark place. Now it is bright, vibrant and more importantly? Available 24hrs a day.

Sometimes? It's a two tablet charged at all times kinda day

What's the deal with stickers? We have all left for work with one the bottom of our tights. Or opened the door to the postman with them stuck on our boobs like elaborate Hello Kitty nipple tassel's. I am forever retrieving them damp and distorted from my washing machine. I have a plastic bag at the back of my wardrobe FULL of the ruddy things. Sets from Home Bargains, sale ones from Paperchase and poundshop books full of them. SIX sets of stickers saved my two from being traumatised when I had an emergency filling. They couldn't hear the drill or see the tears down Mummy's face as they were to busy covering the soles of my shoes in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Treat From Poundland
My daughter said the other day "my favourite shop used to be Poundland it's Toys R Us. F*CK! I am screwed!!! As this was the big dog. The bribe I pulled out of the bag. The only way I can get my son to nursery each Wednesday. The allure of having one (or two if you need extra back up) whole pound. Going to the local Poundland and "picking whatever you want!". This generally is either Fruit Shoots, Smarties or stickers.

The bribes to get this shot? They were of Toys R U proportions!

If you are the Mother of a baby you can start to prepare yourself now and get these items in for when they start to approach two. You may be reading this thinking "Good God my child will NEVER drink a Fruit Shoot" or "Poundland is a bit trampy" or "A toddler with a tablet? MADNESS". That's OK. Your beautiful little newborn is all cute, probably dressed in a little fluffy teddy hoody. They can't move and certainly can't shout "NO!" yet. Enjoy your time...and return to this list when you have to take a manic toddler on a six hour journey to Cornwall to attend your best friends wedding. You're welcome!

*And I'm not ashamed this is the tin where I get my Smarties, stick my head in the fridge and down the whole lot like a shot of Vodka. Needs must! Better than actual Vodka at 2pm!
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