Tuesday, 27 October 2015

The Wild and Crazy Life Of A Child Free Mum!

Now this could be a blog post detailing all the wild and crazy things I like to do when I'm away from my kids. Like drinking so much with my friends I do a full Single Ladies routine and dance on top of a bar whilst bearded youths scream "Go Emma!". Or maybe spending all my wages on Marc Jacobs bags. Or I dunno. Flashing the postman.

But no. These are more exciting. These are the little luxuries that I can't do when my two tots are around. They are small joys that you once would have took for granted. But now they are so precious you let out a little of yelp of glee when you do them and then instagram it. Obvs.

Watching a swearing programme. All the way through
At around six months I got the guilt that my eldest's first word would be "f*ck". It was in this period of my life where I would watch a hell of a lot of Real Housewives of New Jersey/Miami/wherever as long as it wasn't 6am on a rainy Birmingham morning. I panicked it would screw them up forever so resorted to the knob that is Peppa and have never looked back. As soon as my two are out of the house? Reality TV is shoved on SO LOUD! And I embrace ever single sodding obscenity.


Not sharing
I spend the majority of my day telling my kids to share. Share the Barbie, share the dog, share EVERYTHING FOR GODS SAKE SHARE! Which means I have to share. My lunch, the Smarties I am hiding eating in the kitchen. All of it. God I hate it. As soon as they are out of my way? I gorge on food I know they would like. Just so I don't have to share! It's a bit weird really. But makes me SO HAPPY.

Lighting many dangerous candles
I have an obsession with candles. And one of the down sides of kids is that fire and them? Don't really go together. I know! Rubbish. Unless you have them on a really high shelf and at that point your maniac husband informs you "they will turn the ceiling black" (grrr). When I hear that door shut and they are out of way to the park? Candles out, in every room, on low shelves and also? One on a really high shelf. Just to p*ss my other half off.


I make a cup of tea. And generally before it even manages to get cold I worry someone will knock it over and burn themselves for life. So the tea is moved to the kitchen where it goes luke warm, gets covered in a film and never gets drank. Or does and I gag the whole way through.

Swearing REALLY Loudly When Driving
I get the rage of the road. Quite badly. And when the kiddos are in the car one has to shout things along the lines of "HE'S A VERY BAD MAN!" (unless you forget and your daughter then tells a room full of strangers you said a naughty word). With no kids in the car? Jeez I swear to my hearts content. Sometimes I have a full rant at no-one in particular. Just because.

These shoes are MADE for danger. Like running across fairly empty zebra crossings

Crossing at the zebra crossing. When the Green Man? ISN'T ON!
This is one of my most favourite and daring moves. To get to my daughters school we have to cross two zebra crossings. And they take forever to change. And I watch all these child free people running across willy nilly. And even if there is not one car there will still wait...and wait...and wait...but on a Wednesday when I work from home? I RUN ACROSS THE ZEBRA CROSSING TAKING DANGER INTO MY OWN HANDS! See told you I was wild.

Other joys include weeing alone, baths alone, changing your tampon without someone screaming "WHAT'S THAT MUMMY!?". Who needs booze, men and dancing. When you can have candles, tea and swearing...sigh...god it's tragic isn't it?


  1. Swearing is THE BEST. I was renowned for my swearing at work. I used to swear non-stop, all day, every day and I loved it. But I've always been good at not swearing in front of the kids. Without work it means I never f*cking well, pissing well, bloody, shitting swear any more! Grrr!

  2. Haha. I have just turned Jeremy Kyle off this morning as got concerned that it wasn't suitable for my ten-week old. I haven't yet resorted to Peppa but I'm sure it won't be long! Xx

  3. hahaha! I don't drive but I do love a good swearing rant when the kids are not around.
    My girls are older so I am just starting to light candles again....I do find my self shouting stay away from them all the time though...

  4. These are all too close to home. I hate being at the crossing and knowing that I could of made it but you never know if the hold will cross willingly or pretend to be cat in the middle of a busy road. Argh. P.s love that you also light a candle extra high to piss the other half off. I do so, but under our huge white mirror that he takes pride in keeping clean.

  5. Ha ha this made me laugh. I'm terrible for snaffling sweets while no one is looking and only this morning I was getting cross with my teen who still comes into my bedroom/bathroom EVERY time I'm in there grrrr!

  6. I'm at a stage where I can have a hot drink around the children now. It's such a lovely experience! One day your time will soon come too! ;-)

  7. That's why I tend to drink my tea and get ready in my bedroom of the morning. The swearing is so hard cause I can't even when at work as I work with small ones. Evenings are good for ranting x

  8. Hah the candle bit made me laugh - at our last house I left a big black mark on the ceiling and wall from my lovely candle that I was never allowed to light at toddler level...hence the mark on the ceiling! My husband went abit bonkers over that..oops! And the swearing, I miss the early newborn days where I could catch up with Geordie Shore and sweary Channel 4 stuff. I have a small window of time these days to watch sweary stuff - and it isn't very often! xx


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