12 Ways To Have A Successful School Run

1) Pretend it is still a school holiday. And bypass having to do any school run at all!* *warning may end up being fined.

2) Have the whole family sleep in their clothes thus missing that irritating 'having to get dressed' portion of the morning.

3) Get up extra early. Which means you should all be ready to run out of the door on time. (Please note. This does not work. Generally earlier? Means more hours to f*ck around.)

4) Put clothes over the top of your children's pyjamas to provide extra warmth and therefore have no need to spend ONE HOUR putting a coat on. 

5) Let them walk to school bare footed. It's could be classed as character building and will stop the ONE HOUR they take putting ONE shoe on the WRONG foot. 

6) Clothing to avoid: gloves, mittens, scarves, hats, weird fancy dress they have randomly found, bags full of utter sh*t, shoes with laces, comedy wellies. 

7) Don't be tempted to take with you: dogs, scooters, toy pushchairs, bikes, giant teddy bears. As much as they say they will look after these things? They will not. 

8) Children's brollies are for fools and by fools? We mean you who will end up carrying it the second you leave the house. That's why hoods were created.

9) Words that don't work: hurry up!, are you dressed yet?, FIVE MINUTES, not that foot!, not that hand!, just get your coat on!, TWO MINUTES, oh for gods sake, WE ARE LATE

10) Words that do work: I will give you Smarties. 

11) Things to avoid: muddy puddles (f*cking Peppa), polite never ending chat with elderly neighbours, sweet shop windows, rain, snow, that Mother that always looks like a model whilst you look like sh*t. 

12) Or? Just embrace the fact that the school run is named run for a reason. And for the next 14 years you will be running all the way there. Sometimes looking like a tw*t holding a tiny Disney Princess brolly above your head. 

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