Monday, 28 December 2015

New Year's Resolutions For A Mum Aged 38 And A Bit.

2015 was officially for me 'The Year of Two Small Children'. I would like to say it was a breeze and that "I just loved every second!" (to be said in a slightly too chirpy manic voice). But some of it? Was f*cking hard. With stupid rigid new school times to stick to, and an lunatic toddler boy that seemed to only know the words "NO!" and "MINE!". Sometimes I may (did) have sat in my jamas and had a little weep in front of Made in Chelsea.

2016? Is going to be different. As you see I have learnt the ways of small children now. I have cracked it! By cracked it I mean I have developed various skills to ensure all three of us are alive and well at the end of each day. So I have made some New Years Resolutions to help keep me sane, whilst the children run circles around me high on Fruit Shoots and Smarties. I will be Zen. I. Will. ROCK! So here goes...

1) The tablet will be charged and in my bag at all times. In case of emergency. My iPhone will be to hand and the work iPad will be able to be easily to located in the kitchen top drawer.

Mad You Tube Lady? Yes

2) I aim to subscribe to several different crazy Kinder Egg American loons YouTube channels so there is a variety of eggs to weirdly watch being unwrapped. Not just Disney Princess ones. Which seem to tip my son over the edge.

3) I will endeavour to stop believing that I can watch anything I am remotely interested in on the television between the hours of 6am-7pm. It is a dream that will NEVER be achieved.

4) I will get up at 5:30am each morning to have a hot (imagine that? hot!) cup of tea and watch reality TV in peace before Peppa sodding Pig takes over. Bingly bongly bore off.

5) I will try to ensure that at least four days of the week. OK two days. Well at least one day every other week, I am not already in my pyjamas when my husband gets home from work. Thus proving that I had in fact actually got dressed that day. Dry shampoo is acceptable. Going braless? Is not.

Fancy restaurants? No

6) I will not do any of the following with two tiny children in tow; clothes shopping (too sweaty), eating in fancy restaurants (too messy), emergency dentist appointments (too hard to shout at children with a numb mouth) and smear tests (worries about psychological impact).

7) Playdates will ALWAYS be at someone else's house. If I have to return the favour? I will accidentally block the loo with a free toy Mr Tumble phone from the front of a magazine and suggest the nearest soft play.

8) A small proportion of my meagre wage will be spent on my actual self. Not on half price children's clothes in the Next Sale, or a pass for Thomas Land or a vast amount of Poundland tat. 'Me Time' will be spent with actual friends and not in just in a luke warm bath next to a rotting Thomas toy or being given some time to put the washing away #luckyme.

9) I will not obsess about my boys pre-school place and when my womb aches thinking of baby number three? I will remember the time he sharted right in my face.

Loads of ruddy fun? HELL YES!

10) If I manage to keep all of the above nine resolutions I should have a little more time for me, impress my husband with my fancy getting dressed ways and not put myself in ridiculous positions such as having an implement shoved up my privates whilst two children watch on gobsmacked. So number 10 is? Just try and have as much ruddy fun as possible...

...all whilst not getting pregnant with Number 3 (shart, shart, shart, remember the shart).


  1. Good luck! Don't like to worry you, but kids have a tendency to move the goalposts. So you finally think you've got them sussed and a day later everything will change and you're back to square one. I get the TV at approximately 10pm, by which time I'm lucky if I can stay awake for the duration of a single half hour programme.

    1. Oh god I would be FAST ASLEEP by ten pm for sure! x

  2. hahaha! Good luck with all of that..
    I think my fella has forgotten what I look like in real clothes....I've been in Pj's since the 23rd. lol

    1. Ah but it's Christmas! Not sure what my excuse is there best of the year! Ha ha ha! x

  3. I don't even bother with the TV while my children are awake, i record everything and then watch it when they are in bed. I need to work on the 'me time' bit too. Good luck in achieving your goals! xx

    1. Yeah I need to try and get my head a bit more around me time and also make sure I go on dates with the other half more! x

  4. Oh wow I've just watched one of those kinder egg surprise videos I've never seen anything like it! Couldn't watch the whole 33 mins without skipping to the end. Number 6 - I bought a dress for a friend's wedding whilst with my kids in the changing room they screamed and eldest kept trying to open the door I bought it without looking at it properly and had to return it as it was far too big and then couldn't get it in my size 😖 must do number 8 I've barely got enough clothes that fit me properly :-)

    1. It's a nightmare taking the kids shopping yet I always end up doing it all the ruddy time! x

  5. Yeah, good luck. The thing about kids is, you get the little kid thing SUSSED and lo and behold they become 6 and 7 and 8 and ... sneaky little gits basically have you on your toes for the next couple of decades.


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