The Five Stages Of Potty Training

OK so your toddler really should be being potty trained. They are two. It's about time. But all the books say if they aren't ready you shouldn't do it as it may effect them forever. They could end up as one of those kids that keeps their poo in their bum permanently. And that would be bad. In fact? I would be doing them a disservice if I tried now so I will wait a few months...

...F*ck they are now three and a half. I better get my arse into gear before they become the only child in school in nappies and I screw them up that way instead. It's going to be easy! As they are over three! If they know how to find Kinder Egg opening videos on YouTube? Then they can poo in a potty no?

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? WHY DO THEY KEEP POOING IN THEIR PANTS? WHY IS THERE POO ON THE RUG? IS THAT A POO IN MY HAIR? SO MUCH POO. WHY? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH POO (weeps whilst a bare foot steps into a worrying warm puddle in the living room).

Yes this is a potty. NOW POO IN IT!

Right time to get the big dogs out. Bribes. Chocolate coins. One chocolate coin for a wee. Two for a poo. This is going to work! Poo-ing for a chocolate? Sounds the ruddy dream. Sh*t they have cottoned on and now do teeny tiny wees and poos that even a rabbit would mock and expect chocolate. They have eaten 10 coins and it is only 11am. They saved the huge turd for whilst you were mid lunch. It was in their pants. They laughed. Manically.

Two months in and you have come to terms with the fact that your child is going to be one of those urban legends. The only child that has never been able to be potty trained. When they are a high flying lawyer they will still be in adult pull ups. You cry as you pick up another poo off the floor and the wee seeps into your legging as you kneel in another missed patch. When will this doom ever end?

Only way to survive (I use a glass. Not the potty)

The summer has arrived. And finally your child has accepted that poo and wee goes in a potty. Not in their pants. You let them run around the garden with their bum out. Sure they laugh as they wee in the corner of the sand pit and you are worried the paddling poo looks a bit yellow. But? All is well. They are finally fully potty trained.*

*Oh god of course not at nighttime! Are you mental? I read somewhere that that will damage them forever if you do it to early so they will be in pull ups till they turn five. At least.
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