8.2.16

Not Good At Growing Up

I am 38. I still tell people I am mid 30's.  NEVER nearly 40. Although life evidently begins then. Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what is going to change drastically by the end of next year which means that my life will begin. Will I move to a mansion? Probably not. Will I start having the most glamorous social life? My children will be 4 and 6 so I would say the chances are slim. Your teens are spent waiting for the time you can get drunk and drive (not together). Your 20's are spent hoping Mr Right walks through the door at any time whilst you also try to organise some sort of career. Your 30's are spent waiting to get married and reproduce. So what's next for me?

I am incredibly lucky. I have a lovely house, car, other half, two kids, dog and a guinea pig. I love teaching and have fallen in love with writing. By rights I should be high fiving myself and thinking "you're living the dream my friend, now just enjoy it". But there is something that makes me worry that this is it. I am now never going to be an international pop star. Gary Barlow is more than likely not going to sweep me off my feet. And size 8 jeans from Top Shop? Probably will never adorn my huge arse.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME! (mmmm but I don't really sing, or dance or ever tried to be a popstar)

I need some new goals. Of course my time will be spent ensuring my children have the best life ever. Weekends will involve going from kids party to drama classes to swimming. Evenings will be doing homework, making tea and cuddling. For the next 15 years my pair are sorted. I will do everything in my power to make sure they are happy. But in true spoilt brat style "what about me?". I think it is time for me to sit down and work out what I want. So far it reads "I want a big garden with a goat". Mmmmm right. Inspiring.

In the same year I turn 40 both children will be at school (is that the faint ringing of a full mid life crisis I can hear?). My days will not be spent rushing around quite so much. I could go to the gym. I could learn to cook. I could re watch all 12 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. But there is something in me that is yelling that I want more. I want to feel useful. I want there to be the hope of new and exciting things on the horizon. I don't want to ever feel that my chances to release a Grammy award winning album are gone (I can't actually sing. This never would have ever happened. But you know it's good to keep your options open).

I have no answers for what lies ahead. Please do not think I am not grateful for what I've got. In the same way that I don't hope you think I'm a d*ck for wanting that little bit more. We only have one life and I want to make sure that I make mine count. So whilst I wait for the answers to 'what comes next' I plan to look on Rightmove for homes in Birmingham with a garden big enough for a goat I intend to call Britney. I would have made an amazing Britney.

Pic Credit: I don't know Britney which makes me really sad so this picture was took from wallpapers55.com
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