2.2.16

Nine Ways To Survive The Death Of A Small Pet

1) "Morning!" you chirpily shout to the guinea pigs. The kids are playing upstairs happily (a rare occurrence), the radio is on, Elsa looks so adorable sleeping like that. All is well with the world.

2) WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK! ELSA IS NOT ASLEEP SHE IS DEAD. SHE DIED. FOR NO REASON. SHE IS DEAD. THE OTHER ONE IS JUST LOOKING AT HER DEAD SISTER. THIS IS LIKE A HORROR FILM. F*CK F*CK WHAT DO I DO????

3) (Manic voice) "Just popping outside to the garden kids. Yeah I know it's raining but Mummy has to get the mmmm rubbish. Be back in a bit!".

4) Dials husband. Makes guttural noises only heard last in labour. Keeps repeating "what do I do?" "WHAT DO I DO". Husband realises for his own sanity he needs to return home immediately.


5) You wipe your tears and return. "Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t" you think "Do I lie and potentially scar her forever when she finds out the truth? Do I fess up and potentially scar her forever as her first pet has died? Shall I just run away? WHAT DO I DO?!".

6) You find your daughter. She is of course dressed in full Disney Princess outfit looking like the sweetest child alive and you have to break the news that "Elsa died". You hold your breath. You wait. And then? The tears come (both of you).

7) Your husband goes straight into the back garden and starts to make a grave. Your son is singing "ELSA IS DEAD" at the top of his voice. You find a shoe box and make a coffin. You internally high five your creative talent at such an early hour but restrain yourself from taking an instagram of it.


8) The coffin has been decorated with hearts and flowers. Nobody seems to notice the Nike signs all over it as well. Your son now has a bit of a dance to accompany the singing. The crying has stopped. There is lots of talk about heaven. You decide not to break the news now about your own beliefs. Instead you talk loads about clouds, angels and fairies (?!).

9) Elsa is buried. You all get ready for school. Anna looks suspiciously happy and you wonder if she had some doing in this. All in all everyone coped with it quite well. You look at the dog and telepathically tell her to die on someone elses watch. Shudder.
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