10.3.16

13 Things You Think When You Forget Your Phone

1) I F*CK I'VE LOST MY PHONE. WHERE IS MY PHONE. I WANT MY PHONE. SOME B*STARD'S STOLEN IT. I WANT TO KILL THEM...Oh hang on I left it charging in the kitchen. Balls.

2) It's OK! I am only out for a few hours. This is going to be amazing. I am going to feel all Zen. In fact it may be a start of a whole new me. I may start to go 'phoneless' once a week. Who needs phones? I am a woman of the world I don't need to be tied down to a machine. It's probably tapped into by the government. I feel free. I feel alive!...

3)...let me just check when the bus is due. OH F*CK I CAN'T I'VE FORGOTTEN MY PHONE.

4) (On the bus) Ah isn't my boy cute the way he is looking out of the window. That would make an amazing Instagram 'small child looks out in wonder at the world' I would label it. It would probably get 200 likes. Sigh.

5) If this bus crashes now what would I do without a phone? Who could I call to say my final words to? What if some nasty men came on and stole my son from straight out of my hands? It would be like 'Taken'. EXCEPT I DON'T HAVE A PHONE SO LIAM NEESON COULDN'T SAVE ME.

I am in no way shape or form addicted to my phone. Ahem

6) I bet I've had at least 20 dead important emails by now.

7) My husband must be beside himself with worry. He will probably thinking "Where is she? Who is she with? Has she run away with a handsome stranger?". This distance may indeed make our marriage stronger. It may be the best thing that has happened to us for years.

8) God wonder how many texts I've missed?

9) (In posh coffee shop) No-one will ever know that I am in 'Carluccios' on a Thursday morning eating a giant almond croissant. They will never see that my son is eating the cutest teddy bear cookie. WHAT IS THE POINT OF A SOCIAL LIFE IF NO-ONE KNOWS? God I want to Instagram my feet on this tiled floor SO BAD!

10) Oh will just put YouTube on so I can enjoy my tea in peace. God bless the crazy Kinder Egg lady! Oh I can't. I HAVE NO PHONE.

SHUT UP I HAVE TO INSTAGRAM LEAVES FOR GODS SAKE!

11) My Mum has bound to have called. She will be so panicked. I best get home.

12) THERE IS MY PHONE! IT'S THERE! In the kitchen. Where I left it. Let's put everybody's mind at ease.

13) Right. OK. Not one text. Two emails from strangers. No missed calls. No gifs of Beyonce dancing from my friends. Nothing. I could have died. My son was very nearly stolen. Screw them. I'll ignore it for the rest of the afternoon...just after I check Instagram obvs.
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