What Made Me 'A Mum'

When you fall pregnant and you get past the initial shock/fear/vomiting stage you start to imagine your life with a tiny baby in it. You pick up beautiful baby gros. You chat over names. You fill their nursery with Cath Kidston toys. You just cannot wait for cuddles whilst you peacefully breastfeed them, your husband watching on in adoration. Your world will be calm. And you will be filled with love. That's what being a Mum is. And then...

...the sh*t hits the fan and you realise that there's poo up backs, fights with husbands and your tits feel like lead. So this Mother's Day I am thinking about the other bits that make me feel like a Mum. The bits that have made me stronger, made me harder and an all round better person. A list of the moments that I will look back on and think "F*ck me that was hard. But it was amazing". These are in no particular order and unlike my instagram feed of beautiful shots they will be burnt into my mind forever. Unfiltered and uncut.

  • Riding in an ambulance with a baby girl unconscious in my arms. Twice.
  • The bone crunching, never ending tiredness of the first year.
  • Teaching a small person to aim is willy in the potty. Then doing a dance when he pooed.
  • The realisation that my daughter had nits. And not projectile vomiting all over her.
  • A month of solid chicken pox.
  • The total heartache of watching my four year old walk into reception for the first time. I was so sad I thought I was going to collapse.
  • The summer I had to entertain a one year old and three year old. Alone. For six weeks.
  • Watching my five year old. Sit bolt upright. And vomit. In my face.
  • Having my son wee in my eyes. More than once.
  • Returning to work full time and leaving my nine month old in nursery. Crying so hard I couldn't breathe. This went on for months.
  • That one time my daughter ran out of a shop and my voice became so loud it scared me.
  • Breaking the news that pets have died. To two pairs of big baby blue eyes. Three times.
  • Being the person in the house that has to remember every dentist appointment, health visitor visit, school application deadline, fancy dress day, presents for each party they attend on a never ending basis etc.
  • Feeling oh so lonely as I walked the streets with a small sleeping baby in a buggy wondering when I was going to find some 'Mum' friends.
  • A moment when I was crying, my baby was crying, my toddler was crying. And I had to choose who to stop first.
  • Guilt. Never ending guilt. Making me second guess every thing I do.
  • Lying awake at night for hours on end wondering if I am good enough. Could I ever be what they need. What they want...
...and then one day realising that if I can do all of the above then I am more than they will ever need. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I've been a Mum now for five years. It's gone so fast. Every day is full of brilliant things. And sometimes crap things. But all of these bits put together have made me the Mum I am. They are all memories. They are all experiences. So this Mother's Day I am going to except the cuddles, swoon over the hand made cards and reflect on the amazing journey I've taken so far and look forward to what's in the future.
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