Sometimes I Dream Of Clean White Sheets And Silence

When my daughter was born it was a shock to the system. But she was easy. She was calm. She slept in her own bed. She napped with no issues. I plodded along with being a Mum and planned, quite quickly, to have a little brother or sister for her. And then? Things changed. My once sweet baby became an intense toddler and my beautiful newborn loved nothing more than sleeping in my arms. Days were hectic. Tantrums were rife. And sleeping with one eye open took its toll. I began to day dream.

It wasn't a dream of sunnier climes. It wasn't a night out, carefree, with my friends. Fuelled by booze and dancing. I didn't want a mini-break with my husband. I only wanted one thing. A hotel room, anywhere, alone. I wanted to lie down on fresh cool white sheets. I wanted there to be no noise. No distractions. No husband and more importantly? No children. I wanted sleep. A bath in peace. A wee without an audience and a husband that I didn't feel compelled to nag at all times.

Quite often I would drift off to this hotel in my thoughts. I knew the one I would go to, only a few minutes away. I wondered if it was possible to drive there in my pyjamas and if anyone would raise an eyebrow if I ran in all bedraggled with no suitcase at 5pm. I plotted to leave my phone. No one would be able to contact me and I wouldn't be tempted by the draw of social media. I would lie down on those clean white sheets and breathe in the silence.

I never went through with my plan. After ten minutes I realised it would be daft to leave for the evening. My husband would worry. My children would wonder where I was. In reality would I really enjoy an evening alone? After an hour would I be bored of the white sheets and wish I was back in the hustle and bustle of my family? Was running away in my pyjamas really the answer? I will never know. Time has passed and it life gets easier but ever so often the thought runs through my head of that silence and those clean white sheets.

And I think that's OK. I would hazard a guess that most of us have the same urge every now and again. An afternoon away to get our hair done. Time to sit down and have a hot cup of tea. It doesn't mean that we don't adore our children with all our heart and soul. It just means sometimes we need to take a break. We need space. We need silence. And we need to know that if we wanted to we could escape. But we most probably won't. So if you ever see me in the park whilst my two whizz around screaming and I look a little bit lost in thought? I am breathing in those clean white sheets and thinking of silence before my busy day of mayhem continues.
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