The 12 Sounds Of Motherhood

1. The Early Morning Groan
This is the first sound that escapes your mouth when you are rudely awoken by a small child jumping on your head, a scream of "MUMMMMMY" from a cot or a "wipe my bum please". All taking place before 6am. Sometimes before 5am. You swing your legs over the side of the bed and like a zombie groan. Whilst looking at your sleeping other half with anger and hate in your heart.

2. The First Click Of The Kettle
This is an essential sound. The caffeine provides your life source. It's the only thing that keeps you going. And whilst you know full well you may be microwaving the very same tea again in 15 minutes after a fight over Peppa Pig. For a second? This first click symbolises hot, hot tea. Beautiful.

3. The "Nice Cup Of Tea" Slurp
"Ohhhh a nice cup of tea" can be heard in my kitchen. By no-one. As no-one is around to hear it. It's something I say to myself and maybe the dog. She looks at me as if I am a total tw*t. I also make this slurp when I am work in front of the younger staff who get to drink hot tea WHENEVER THEY WANT. They don't slurp. But I am happy that one day they will and then I will laugh in their smug faces.


4. The Wee Sigh
As Mum's we don't get to wee often. Which is weird as we need it all the time. Before we go out of the house, half way through a journey to a play date, during the middle of a soft play party. Our nethers are so ruined by birth it feels like a permanent feeling nagging at the back of our mind. And when we do wee? We let out a sigh of relief. (I'm typing this and could do with one right now TBH).

5. The Mum Tut
I tut at my husband. I tut at things on the tele. I tut at bad drivers. I tut at youths who are swearing in front of my kids. They could shank me. And I would tut as they got out their knives.

6. The Eye Roll
Tuts at my husband are often accompanied with an eye roll. And you may think that this carries no sound. But my eye roll is so slow and drawn out in my head it sounds like a creaking coffin closing.

7. The Whispered Swear
If the tut doesn't work. The eye roll has been missed. Then I do what all good parents do. I whisper swear. Of course I wouldn't actually swear in front of my kids (bar when I am driving and then it's an accident obvs). I enjoy spelling out angry swear words in a whisper to my husband. But as my daughter is now 5? S.H.*.T this is going to have to stop.

Three seconds later? Someone got a wand shoved up their noses

8. The Repeating Of "Share" "Be Nice" "NO FIGHTING"
Every three seconds I am in the company of my two small children I repeat the following phrases; "be nice", "share", "NO FIGHTING!". I also seem to repeat their names over and over and over again to the point where I wish I had called them something more glamorous like Trixibelle and Don Juan.

9. The Releasing Of 'The Beasts'
At 7pm...OK more like 5pm. A little click can be heard. And that click of my bra unhooking symbolises my breasts being released. And I would like to say there is no noise when they have escaped but there is. It's like a little flop and all of a sudden? Everything is well with the world again.

10. The Key In The Door
When I hear the key in the door? I know that the other half is home and I can actually go for that wee I've needed for four hours, drink 15 hot cups of tea in a row if I want and take it in turns to shout "SHARE". However the sound of a text saying he's going to be late? WORST SOUND EVER!

The best kind of beer garden. One that requires NO bra!

11. The Sound Of Silence
I love the sound of my kids laughing, them telling me they love me but above all? I love the blissful sound of them fast asleep. I like to watch them sleep. Not only because I love them with all my heart but also to check? That they really are away with the fairies.

12. The Sound Of Gin Pouring
This sound needs no explanation. It's a sound that every parent knows. And loves with their whole heart.
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