Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Oh Confidence Where Art Thou?

On the surface I look like a pretty confident young woman. OK at 38 the young may be a bit of stretch but generally I look like I totally have my sh*t together. I will happily post a photo of me standing in my home made spanx and not care a jot if thousands of people see it. Just like I can stand in front of a class of teenagers, teach sex education and say "ejaculation" without even flinching. If you met me I probably would be described as 'bubbly' and a bit of a laugh. I enjoy a rude joke and can often be found chatting to strangers. Much to their dismay.

But then there is another side of me that isn't shown very much. The side where sometimes my worry overtakes my thoughts at night. I wonder if I have inadvertently done something to upset someone. I panic that a work email is in a tone that will offend or that my beautiful children aren't getting everything that they need from me. I beat myself up over every little thing and can think I'm not a great friend, Mother or wife. Sometimes I scrabble for confidence and it is nowhere to be found.

I'm not sure when this happened to me. I don't remember feeling like this in my twenties. Where I was slap bang in a rubbish career that was going nowhere, was a size 22 and had a boyfriend who clearly didn't think I was all that great (the damn fool). But now as I am fast approaching 40 (VOMIT), have a beautiful family, great friends and two jobs I love, why do sometimes I question my every move? What has happened to make me feel like this and more importantly do other people feel the same?

No Shame Jane

I found myself wondering into the 'self help' section of book shop today. I was drawn to one that was just Kim Kardashian quotes and was tempted to pick it up but settled on one more useful book about finding your inner confidence. I got home to find that it was telling me to take long baths, enjoy yoga, gardening and how about buying myself a whole new wardrobe. OK I will do that then. IN MY DREAMS! Are they mad? When on earth will I fit in all this ruddy yoga? Let alone planting seeds to watch them grow. I'm a Mum of two small children! I'm lucky to take a sh*t in peace!

So perhaps my lack of confidence is due to a lack of 'me time'. Perhaps it's because I am tired and not really focusing on myself anymore. Perhaps I am so stretched with my wonderful jobs and beautiful family that I've forgotten what it's like to treat myself. Sure there is the odd night away here or two hours there but do any of us ever have real regular time to focus inwards and celebrate all the wonderful things we do? I know I don't. I'm more likely to remember cake sale money I forgot a term ago than the fact that each night my children go to bed happy and healthy. So whilst that book was a total waste of £8.99 I think it is the first step to trying to get my head round that I am good enough. I'm not sure Kim Kardashian quotes would have had the same affect.


  1. Someone at work asked me what I did in my spare time...ha what spare time! Does parks and play centre fun count as out of work activities?!

  2. This is me! Since having Oscar I seem to have started giving a sh*t. When I was younger I guess I was fearless/ignorant, maybe evn selfish, but since Oscar has come along it's made me realise that its not just all about me. I too dont really have an ounce of care for what I put out there but then I do have moments where I question myself. I thnk we all do! xx

  3. We are the same age and I never worried in my 20s. Hit 30, had my daughter and the anxiety about strange things looms large sometimes. I think it's just because we understand what's really important and what could go wrong a bit more...my daughter is 8 and it's not so bad now as it's possible to have time to yourself a little bit more to get your head straight!

  4. I think so many mums can relate to this. I don't worry in the same way as you, but I am nervous about a lot of things which wouldn't have worried me before I had kids. I think it's a natural thing about wanting to keep the kids safe, combined with my brain being overloaded with everything I have to remember every day. Good luck with making the book work for you - I do genuinely wonder how people have time for all that stuff, but they probably don't have such a big social media habit to feed! ;)

  5. I love your homemade spanx - I do a similar thing. I don't think anyone is confident about everything. Just fake it til ya make it! xx

  6. I used to be a fu*k it kind of girl who cares its my life not yours! Then at 25 i had my first child and put 4 stone on and now a size 20. Im uncomfortable in my own skin. I now have a 10 month old baby and a 3 year old boy. Both keep me entertained and as a stay at home mum i give all my time to my boys and husband. However if i could spend every single day in the house and never leave i would. I have always been a home bird however i would also go out alot. My husband has lost 30lb in weight which i am so proud of but i cant seem to get the motivation to do the same! And i feel like im letting the family down but i cant seem to turn the guilt from eating the contents of the cupboard to getting my fat wobbly butt in to shape


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