Wednesday, 28 December 2016

14 New Year's Resolutions For The Modern Mother

1. The tablet will be charged and in my bag at all times. In case of emergency? My iPhone will be to hand and the work iPad will be able to be easily located in the kitchen top drawer. If it's not charged. I shall blame my husband.

2. I aim to subscribe to several different crazy Kinder Egg American loons YouTube channels so there is a variety of eggs to weirdly watch being unwrapped. Not just Disney Princess ones. Which seem to tip my son over the edge.

3. I will endeavour to stop believing that I can watch anything I am remotely interested in on the television between the hours of 6am-7pm. It is a dream that will NEVER be achieved despite trying to sneak on Made In Chelsea each week.

4. I will try to ensure that at least four days of the week. OK two days. Well at least one day every other week, I am not already in my pyjamas when my husband gets home from work. Thus proving that I had in fact actually got dressed that day. Dry shampoo is acceptable. Going braless by 2pm? Is not.

New Year With Kids
The tablet will be ALL times...

5. I will not do any of the following with two tiny children in tow; clothes shopping (too sweaty), eating in fancy restaurants (too messy), emergency dentist appointments (too hard to shout at children with a numb mouth) and smear tests (worries about psychological impact).

6. Playdates will ALWAYS be at someone else's house. If I have to return the favour? I will accidentally block the loo with a free toy Mr Tumble phone from the front of a magazine and suggest the nearest soft play.

7. I will TRY and be tolerant when my other half doesn't empty the tumble dryer, offers no help whatsoever packing for holidays and when he lies in on another Saturday morning? I will TRY to not want to smash his face in. I said TRY.

8. A small proportion of my meagre wage will be spent on my actual self. Not on half price children's clothes in the Next Sale, overpriced magazines, a pass for Thomas Land or a vast amount of Poundland tat.

9. 'Me Time' will be spent with actual friends and not in just in a luke warm bath next to a rotting Thomas toy or being given some time to put the washing away #luckyme.

New Year With Kids
Fancy ignoring each other on the couch bab?

10. 'Netflix and chill' ever so often may include actual sexy time with my husband. Not sat on opposite sides of the living room totally ignoring each other, watching The Walking Dead and falling fast asleep by 9:03pm.

11. I will not obsess about my youngest starting school. If my womb aches thinking of baby number three? I will remember the time he sharted right in my face.

12. I will start to shave my legs more often...OK that's never going to happen.

13. 'Stupid Shouty Mum' will NOT appear in any of the following situations; kids putting coats on, kids putting shoes on wrong feet, kids smashing toys over each other's head three minutes before the school run and kids deciding to play 'who can walk the most slowly anywhere where we need to be there quickly' game...OK this let's be honest this also never going to happen.

If I manage to keep all of the above resolutions I should have a little more time for me, impress my husband with my fancy getting dressed ways and not put myself in ridiculous positions such as having an implement shoved up my privates whilst two children watch on gobsmacked. So number 14 is? Just try and have as much ruddy fun as possible...

New Year With Kids

...all whilst not getting pregnant with Number 3 (shart, shart, shart, remember the shart).


  1. You crack me up. Totally with you on the time spent putting washing away/ironing being labelled as 'time to myself'. Hope you have a great 2017 x

  2. hahaha! This made me laugh out
    Wishing you all the best for 2017 x

  3. Here's to 2017 and good luck with all of that! And how is it time for your little boy to be starting school already?!


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