YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY. AN ACTUAL PARTY. WITH PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK WITH. YOU CAN SWEAR AS LOUD AS YOU LIKE AT THEM!!! THERE WILL BE DANCING AND IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST NIGHT EVER!...
...It dawns on you that you have not been out for 18 months. You don't know what to wear. You've forgotten how to dance. Do people sill dance? Is Beyoncé 'Single Ladies' still cool? WHAT DO PEOPLE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY WEAR AND TALK ABOUT? If it's not maternity leggings and Mr Bloom? You shall be screwed.
With the persuasion of your mates (who are single, childless and younger but you choose to ignore this) you decide to bite the bullet and go along anyway. You excitedly buy your Christmas party ticket and start to search ASOS for dresses.
What fresh hell is this? What is a body con dress? Why do people want to show off their mid rifts and why on earth has a chunky heel made a return when in reality it just highlights your cankles? Why haven't people heard of a sleeve? You end up typing in 'sparkly, plus sized, black dress WITH SLEEVES'. There is a choice of two. You pick the one that looks like it might just cover your arse and hide your Mum Tum.
Sparkles. Shed loads of make up. A jazzy flat shoe and HUGE pants. Job. Done
'The Dress' Part 2
You finally manage to get your hands on the dress two days before the party. After missing the postman as you were daring to have a shower and not being able to get to the post office due to boring Mum chores such as de-nitting your children. You feel sick. This grey plastic bag holds the item that can make or break your whole night out...
'The Dress' Part 3
...1) Size 16 is a lot smaller these days 2) you look like a sequined monster has thrown up on your 3) #mumtum. There's nothing to do but hastily rush out and buy a pair of the strongest hold your stomach in pants and the thickest black tights Primark sell. You pray to god no-one can see the fat which has now been shoved from your stomach up your left side giving you a hunch back.
The Night Of
So your husband has kindly offered to 'babysit'. His own kids. You are being picked up at 7pm. You feel sick. You painted your nails but had to pick up a screaming toddler off the floor so they are all smudged. You hastily put glitter over the top hoping no-one will notice. You start to apply make up. And by apply...you start to trowel make up on in a wild attempt to look attractive. You realise you look like a drag queen. And not a very good one...so you do what every Mother does in this situation and?...
You are covered in sequins. You have put on jazzy necklace as that's what people do right? You have shoes on that are heels (as in kitten, as in really ballet flats but a little bit off the ground), you can't breathe as you have hold your stomach in tights on and your pants over the top to ensure the gusset doesn't drop. With each sip of gin in a tin your make up looks better. In fact? I bet the youth of today will think you are dead cool. Bearded boys will desire you. Slim girls in body con dresses WANT TO BE YOU.
The Moment You Want
You pop on Spotify and type in '90's Hits'. Dancing around your bedroom feeling happy and free. It doesn't matter that you will inevitably get wrecked by 10pm. It doesn't matter that your pants will hurt you so much you pull them off in the loos. It doesn't matter that tomorrow it will be like you ARE DYING. But that moment. In your bedroom. With sparkles on. Dancing to whatever tickles your fancy whilst holding a cold gin in a tin in your hand...is total and utter? Perfection.