1. Crossing the road when the green man ISN'T on
Sometimes after the school run I may even be a bit daring and risk it by fast walking across where there isn't a zebra crossing. I know I'm f*cking mad me!
2. Lighting lots of candles and putting them places where kids could possibly burn their faces off
On the coffee table in the living room, dotted ALL around the bathroom and hell I may even put one in the fireplace we are too scared to use in case they hurt themselves.
3. SWEARING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE F*CK F*CK F*CK!
I am a lover of a "naughty word" and there is nothing more gratifying than having a conversation where I can use all the swear words in my vocabulary.
I AIN'T GONNA WAIT FOR NO-ONE MAN!
4. Watching television programmes that have both swearing and sex scenes in
There's something SO exciting about well just not watching Peppa Pig! It makes me day #peppaisaknob.
5. Rowing with my other half without having to whisper swear
These days rows are passive aggressive and generally involve me spelling the words "F*ck Off" or whispering "arse" under my breath. When there are no children around? I can SCREAM them to my hearts content! And not live in fear of forever damaging my offspring.
6. Eating a whole pack of Smarties/Crisps/Biscuits to myself
Oh lying on the couch eating crap? And not hiding in the kitchen secretly eating the kids snacks? Is bloody amazing. Liberating I tell thee!
Burn baby burn!
7. Going to Asda and swanning down the magazine aisle without a care in the world!
A trip to the supermarket used to be a boring ballache pre kids. Now? If I get a few hours to myself in Sainsburys? You KNOW I am going to have got myself two new dresses and shoved in a few fancy candles.
8. Driving whilst listening to my favourite album and singing at the top of my voice without someone screaming at the top of theirs
My kids are idiots who hate my singing. I KNOW. I have a lovely voice. Ahem. So when they are not there I ditch the Disney sh*te and sing 90's indie music to my hearts content.
9. Meeting with a friend in a coffee shop and not having to stop talking whilst a child smears the nearest food all over their face whilst spilling your drink
Recently I have met my friends in coffee shops. And we have had no children with us. And we have talked and laughed and eaten cake and swore and had a glorious time...we have also given a smile of solidarity to the Mum with the newborn and toddler. In the hope that she knows one day? She will be gorging on a Kit Kat Chunky, whilst watching a graphic 18 film and smelling her brand new supermarket candles.
I also ate three biscuits in this coffee shop. WAS THE F**CKING DREAM!