29.3.17

Overwhelmed

If you met me you would say I am a rather chipper person. In fact I am often referred to as "bubbly". I LOVE a filthy joke and I am the first up on the dance floor (on the two occasions I go out a year). But at the moment? I will be honest I am really overwhelmed. Life is totally changing and I am struggling to get my head round everything that is happening. I can listen to a song on the radio and burst into tears and my poor husband spends a lot of time looking at me in horror thinking "what the f*ck is up with her now then?".

As many of you will know next week I leave teaching to work from home. Some of you will know that I am also going on a holiday of a lifetime to Florida (we have saved SO HARD) and a few of you will know in the weeks after that? We move house. We leave the house where I walked out to go to get married, where I bought two babies home, saw them crawl, walk, made daft Easter bonnets in and the home where I went from me to a family of four with an insane dog and a murdering guinea pig.

I'll miss the door. SOB

And I'm totally and utterly overwhelmed. I struggle with change which is probably why I've been in the same job at the same school for 12 years, lived in our little house which we have long outgrew for nearly a decade and wear the same leggings I wore when I was pregnant. OK that bit may have something to do with the fact that I'm still a bit fat. It's crippling me. I'm packing away our life and in the process stumbling across dummies, tiny babygros and toys that I thought were long gone. I feel that I am leaving a home that contained babies and moving to a place that walls have never heard a newborn cry or had one of my children crawl up and down it's corridors.

There's a lot of "what ifs". What if I've made the wrong decision and I should have stayed in teaching? What if we move and my beautiful duo hate their new bedrooms? What if life changes? What if it's not like it is now? Where our routine is set and everyone is at peace (bar the bits where we all want to kill each other). When I was a teenager change meant excitement and adventure. Now it is just bringing worry and fear. I'm struggling to focus and rather than bubbly I'm bat sh*t.

I know that change can be amazing and if you come back to me in May I could be having the time of my life. My children could be running around a bigger garden and able to stand up in a room where they can't touch both sides when they outstretch their arms. I might be happy to be working for myself. Able to spend some days a week writing with no bra on (not appropriate for a teacher). But for the moment I'm going to have a little weep, eat ANOTHER Easter egg I've bought for the kids and ignore the fact that I've got whole house to pack up. Mini Eggs solve most problems. It's a fact.
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