Generally I am super chipper person. I love laughing. I love to make people laugh. My blog, YouTube channel and social media aims to cheer people up and make you walk away (or roll over in bed at 6am) with a smile. But this past few weeks I've been feeling low. I wasn't going to chat about it but a blog is suppose to show all facets over people's lives so I thought I would jot down on paper how I felt. Maybe it may help somebody else or maybe it will help me get it out of my system. A problem shared is a problem halved isn't it?
Since my kids have gone to school a lot of the time I have been fine. Loving life. Working hard. Watching the odd box set. Enjoying all the great things in life like hot cups of tea and weeing alone. But then there's moment where it catches me that I feel I am sort of aimlessly bobbing around during the day. Flitting from pillar to post. Missing a limb. I've gone from a school environment which is regimented every hour on the hour. To periods of time where I don't really know what the hell is going on.
I end up eating my lunch at 11am or shove half a packet of Oreos down my gob at 1pm. I can't focus on work properly sometimes. My inbox overwhelming me and I can't write. I mean I am finding it really, REALLY hard to write. My muses have gone and left me. I try to think of funny words but they escape me. My inspiration seems to have vanished. I know this all seems very first world probs. That I could be working all the hours god sends in a job I hate. I get to do the school run. I get to be at home. I am lucky.
But that's the weird thing about feeling low isn't it? The very fact that I should feel so lucky actually makes the low feeling worse. I should be lording it up. Pampering myself every day. Taking naps after lunch. Working on all these new exciting projects I now have time for. Instead I feel a little bit lost. What is my purpose? What's my role? WHAT AM I MEANT TO BE DOING? (To be said in a rather dramatic voice).
The past year has had so much change. With operations, moving houses, changing jobs, little ones leaving me, getting glasses and the big 40 approaching faster and faster. I feel adrift. Friends are moving on with baby number three so I should be moving on with my next big project. But what the hell is it? So you are going to have to bear with me a little whilst I find my way. I know a lot of you are new Mums who would KILL for five minutes to watch The Crown. Or some of you are reading thinking "f*ck me what a moaner". But sometimes we feel a little bit low and that's OK. Now I'm going to go and finish that other half a packet of Oreos and figure out my plan.