11.10.17

The 'Not Sure What To Title It' Blog Post

Right. Weird post alert. There's not many times I write something and think "oh I probably won't publish that" but this is one of these. So if you are reading it "Hello!" and welcome to the insane whirrings of my mind. Let's start at the beginning. I began blogging four years ago. I used to find it quite easy to knock out six or seven posts a week about a variety of things. As time went on I started to review bits and bobs here and there. I enjoyed it. I worked hard at it. It was fun.

Then...I started to get the odd negative comment and now that is just a daily part of my life. Not so much focused on my inability of a Mother anymore (thank God). More targeted on the way I look. I am actually really good at brushing it away and getting on with my day. It's just part of the job. Sometimes I reply. Sometimes I block them. But I know they are going to pop up when I press publish. Generally on YouTube or Facebook.

What I didn't realise (and this may be the reason why I don't press publish) that social media still favours a certain kind of woman. And this doesn't mean I have anything against these lovely ladies. They are doing their thing. Getting the work. I don't begrudge them a penny. But it does mean that rejection is now a part of my daily life. From not getting campaigns despite having a wonderfully highly engaged audience, not being invited to fancy parties, not attending launches, just not being the right fit. Don't get me wrong I get to work with some wonderful brands but over the years along with the negative comments comes the realisation that..."hang on I'm REALLY not that cool am I?".

'Working' in bed

Now I'm a pretty self assured woman. I am confident. I enjoy being in a crowd. I love meeting new people. But at the moment even I feel ground down with it all. That I am not sure I have the fight in me to keep doing this. To keep working hard. I've started to focus a lot more on the negative than the positive. And I can't stop it. I lost all ability to see the wood from the trees. I am seeing myself more the way the world sees me, than those I love see me. Maybe I am lucky Stephen is married to me as no one else would have me. Perhaps my voice is annoying and really my recent influx of subscribers is because of new high profile friends and not the content and following I have worked so hard to create.

I'm not a jealous person. Some of my closest blogging mates are at the top of their game and with every new thing they work on I am like "YOU ARE AMAZING". I am lost. I am becoming a person made up of the negative way people see her rather than the positive way I am seen. I can't remember what people like about me. I can only focus on what people don't like about me. It seems to be the ways in which I am different to other social media Mums are the ways in which I now feel not good enough. So I have lost the plot a little bit but we all do from time to time and hopefully I will get my mojo back. If you made this to the end. Congrats. You now know my most deepest secrets! #emmaslosttheplot
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