Wednesday, 27 December 2017

16 New Year's Resolutions Of A Mum Aged 40 1/4

1. The tablet will be charged and in my bag at all times. In case of emergency? My iPhone will be to hand and the work iPad will be able to be easily located in the kitchen top drawer. If it's not charged. I shall blame my husband.

2. I aim to subscribe to several different crazy Kinder Egg American loons YouTube channels so there is a variety of eggs to weirdly watch being unwrapped. When I hear 'Daddy Finger, Daddy Finger...' coming on I am not to roll my eyes and whisper swear "FFS" under my breath.

3. I will endeavour to stop believing that I can watch anything I am remotely interested in on the television between the hours of 6am-7pm. It is a dream that will NEVER be achieved despite trying to sneak on Made In Chelsea each week.

4. I will try to ensure that at least four days of the week. OK two days. Well at least one day every other week, I am not already in my pyjamas when my husband gets home from work. Thus proving that I had in fact actually got dressed that day. Dry shampoo is acceptable. Going braless by 2pm? Is not.

5. As well as my fancy new wearing clothes one day a fortnight resolution. I will make sure that at least four days a week. OK two. Meals will not be waffle based. Right I hold my hands up one of those days will be Friday night take away.

6. I will not do any of the following with two children in tow; clothes shopping (too sweaty), food shopping in Aldi (why do they go so fast at the tills?), eating in fancy restaurants (too messy), emergency dentist appointments (too hard to shout at children with a numb mouth) and smear tests (worries about psychological impact).

7. Playdates will ALWAYS be at someone else's house. If I have to return the favour? I will accidentally block the loo with a free toy Thomas phone from the front of a magazine and suggest the nearest soft play #stinkyballs.

8. I will TRY and be tolerant when my other half doesn't empty the tumble dryer, offers no help whatsoever packing for holidays and when he lies in on another Saturday morning? I will TRY to not want to smash his face in. I said TRY.

9. A small proportion of my meagre wage will be spent on my actual self. Not on half price children's clothes in the Next Sale, overpriced magazines, a pass for CBeebies Land or a vast amount of Poundland tat and those fooking blind bags.

10. I aim to walk around looking vaguely nice on a weekend. Rather than a bedraggled tramp slave in vintage Matalan circa 2015 that follows two immaculately dressed children around all day.

11. 'Me Time' will be spent with actual friends and not in just in a luke warm bath next to a rotting Barbie or being given some time to put the washing away #luckyme.

12. 'Netflix and chill' ever so often may include actual sexy time with my husband. Not sat on opposite sides of the living room totally ignoring each other, watching The Crown and falling fast asleep by 9:03pm.

13. I will not obsess about both of my children being at school. If my womb aches thinking of baby number three? I will remember the time he sharted right in my face.

14. I will start to shave my legs more often...OK that's never going to happen.

15. 'Stupid Shouty Mum' will NOT appear in any of the following situations; kids putting coats on, kids putting shoes on wrong feet, kids smashing toys over each other's head three minutes before the school run and kids deciding to play 'who can walk the most slowly anywhere where we need to be there quickly' game...OK this let's be honest this also never going to happen.

If I manage to keep all of the above resolutions I should have a little more time for me, impress my husband with my fancy getting dressed ways and not put myself in ridiculous positions such as having an implement shoved up my privates whilst two children watch on gobsmacked. So number 16 Just try and have as much ruddy fun as possible...

...all whilst not getting pregnant with Number 3 (shart, shart, shart, remember the shart).


  1. "Bedraggled tramp slave" made me lol ��

  2. Love this so much! I'm always braless & in my pj's as soon as I've done the school run :D

  3. 3 is the the new 2! ;o)


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