1. Car Journeys
You have organised a wonderful holiday. You have forward planned and made sure each child has a tablet, snacks, their favourite toy and poundland stickers. Still within 20 minutes your car? BECOMES A TINY JAIL OF HELL! Tablets are dropped on the floor and no-one can reach them. Someone hit someone in the face with a toy. Someone is crying they want the window open and someone says they feel sick. You threaten to go home at least 86 times. But know you never will and have at least 5 f*cking hours till you get to your destination.
2. Meals Out
Technically what could go wrong? You're out together as a family celebrating a birthday. You don't have to cook. You don't have to clean up. Sounds glorious. But then for some inexplicable reason your food takes an hour to come. You can't find the Wifi code so your kids can't watch Kinder Eggs being opened on your phone. Someone spills a drink. Someone tips salt everywhere and when the chips finally arrive? They are hotter than the sun. People stare and you wish you had celebrated in a drive through like last year.
WHERE IS THE FOOD?!
3. Board Games
"Let's be educational!" you think. "Let's play a game!" you announce. You get Pie Face set up, or could be Head Bandz. And for the first round it seems that everyone is going to get on and "play nicely". Then someone cheats? Then someone loses a round and bursts into tears. Then someone decides to just smash the game up and then you vow "NEVER AGAIN" and go back to watching TV.
4. Staying In Hotel Rooms
No joy can be found in hotel rooms with small humans. Much like the 'tiny jail of hell car journey' you took to get to the hotel you are now in a tiny room of hell. But one where the prisoners can run around and turn the lights off and on, jump on the beds they refuse blankly to go in and eventually pass out where you were meant to sleep. You end up hanging off a single bed at 8pm wondering whether you should lie in the bath and watch YouTube on your phone but are scared in case you wake the little monsters up
I plan to smash this Dobble in your face
5. Clothes Shopping
"I'm going to treat you all to a nice outfit!" you exclaim. You go into town. On a Saturday afternoon. And realise that this was the worst idea you've ever had. Once you finally manage to drag your small humans out of the Disney store crying. It becomes clear that every shop makes you sweat like a pig, your daughter refuses to try on anything other than sequined mini dresses that says 'LOL' coming out of a unicorns ar*ehole and your son enjoys hiding under the t-shirts while people stare tutting. You use the word "overtired". A lot.
6. Food Shopping
Just when you think that you can manage to take your children food shopping. Remember THAT YOU CAN'T. Asda always puts kids magazines at the front (the f*cker) so you either cave in and spend a tenner on that crap or endure screaming for an hour. You then have to avoid every aisle that has Paw Patrol products in. I swear to God there must be Paw Patrol tampons somewhere, their faces gets on everything. Old people stare. You sweat and leave with nothing. Bar a £10 magazine the child immediately rips up and leaves in the car.
7. Sunday Morning
Should be relaxing. A time to bond. But more often than not it's a time to wonder when the f*ck the local softplay is open and what they hell are you going to do to entertain your little ones for four hours. Your husband has had ANOTHER lie in so you want to kill him and if you could reasonably inject caffeine into your eye balls? You would.
Rain is no Mother's friend
8. Rainy Days
See Sunday Morning. BUT IT LASTS FOR A WHOLE DAY. This is also when you most often attempt 3) Board Games #sadtimes
9. A Nice Long Walk In The Country
A lovely long walk. What could go wrong? We can take instagrams and feel like right proper middle class people. Until it dawns on you it's all fun and games until NO-ONE WANTS TO FOOKING WALK ANYMORE. One ends up on Dad's shoulders. One cries most of the way and then dramatically falls over in a pile of dog turd Ace.
10. Choosing A Family Film
I dreamt of a day where we could sit around and enjoy a family film together. You know like you see on cheesy American films. We would eat popcorn. The fire would be on. We would be united. What I didn't bank on was that no-one wants to watch the same film. Two of us hate popcorn. And when we finally do pick a film someone will be shouting "BUT I HATE THIS!" all the way through. And that's just my husband.