2. You start to dread the ads in between kids TV programmes. Each one bringing something more ridiculous that your child HAS to have (I'll never forget the Unicorn Fingerling search of 2017).
3. You become obsessed with getting a bargain. Any 342 you're there. Any 'get £10 off when you spend four bazillion pounds offer' makes you squeal with joy. You aim to save so much money this year. THIS WILL BE YOUR YEAR! It will basically be a free Christmas. Ahem.
4. You want to smash yourself in the face when you realise you bought a toy that you could have got for £2 cheaper in another shop (I'm looking at you Spiderman Web Gloves. B*stards).
5. You find yourself scouring the internet before the kids get up or when they are in bed. Praying whatever tat they want is available. It soon becomes clear that toys they have mentioned don't actually appear to exist in the world. Or you weren't listening properly when they wrote their never ending list.
6. You begin to panic about where to store all the new toys that will arrive on December 25th. Where the f*ck is all this tat going to live? How can your house cope with anymore cuddly crap? WHERE IS IT ALL GOING TO LIVE.
7. So you slowly begin to cull dolls here, Thomas toys there. Shipping them off to charities, to school fetes, praying your kids don't notice. And lying profusely when they do "Oh Thomas went to live on a farm".
8. At night you wake up in a hot sweat thinking about the sh*t show you left the baubles in last year. You even bought those dead fancy boxes from Home Bargains to keep them in. But in the New Year cleansing frenzy, threw them in in a rabid fit of "GET ALL THIS CRAP OUT OF MY HOUSE".
I am sleeping on a bed with a SH*T ton of Christmas presents underneath it
9. To overcome the stress of all the panic you begin to consume £1 selection boxes daily and you may have already smashed down two Cadburys advent calendars. It doesn't matter coz it's Christmas and calorie free innit? (OK SO IT'S NOVEMBER BUT BACK OFF).
10. Each and every orifice in your house conceals another hidden toy for Christmas Day. Every time a child goes near the cupboard under the stairs you panic, the garage becomes a minefield and you scream "GET AWAY" when they play slightly close to under your bed.
11. "If you keep playing up I'm going to call Santa" is repeated on a daily basis. You get apps to scare your kids, you phone relatives and ask them to pretend to be the big man. It works but come December 26th? You know you are screwed.
IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR COAT ON I'M CALLING HIMMMMMMMMMMM
12. Despite all the money, the worry over right toys, the crap covering your whole entire house. Somewhere deep down? You are rabid. Kids make Christmas magical. The chill in the air, the cosy nights in watching CBeebies Panto on repeat and making those childhood memories you love to think about when you were a kid. Bring. It. ON!