13.1.19

Shame

Last summer I was fat shamed. It was grim. It was gross. Someone photoshopped me thin. I ended up on a website for people who have a phobia of fat people. I was told I was going to die, whale emoijis were left on my pages. The BBC covered it online. It made the comments worse. I started to worry about what I was eating. If I was out and about in public I was really concerned people were staring at me. My Mum said I should stop and go back to teaching. But I didn't with the support of my family and all you lot I carried on. But yesterday I promoted a healthy meal and was shamed again. This time it wasn't "fat cow". But "disappointed", "eye roll", "doing it for the cash". So I'm shamed for being overweight. Shamed for trying to be a bit healthier. And it begs the question. What on earth am I supposed to do?

Over all of my social media there are around 200K people that follow me. Which is AMAZING. And baffling. And of course at times we aren't going to see eye to eye. Totally understandable. Jeez I struggled to see eye to eye with everyone when I worked in an office with 10 people! But I managed it. I managed not to tell them straight to their face what I thought of them. I managed to not have exceptions of them that were unobtainable. But I am increasingly finding myself in the position now that I have to be a spokesperson for all the women (and the odd lovely man) that follows my journey. And it's unfair. And it's really bloody hard.

Trolls will come and go. There are threads dedicated to how annoying I am. I've been told I need shooting. My kids taking off me. The whole shebang. It's fine. It comes with the job. But there seems to be this weird double standard going on. I am meant to be perfect. But perfect for each and every 200K of you. And whilst the 99.9% (to quote Bridget Jones, and we all know I've got her big pants) like me just the way I am. And I thank all you Mark Darcy's out there (god I LOVE Colin Firth). There seems to be a small portion that don't. That expect me to do everything they want me to do. And are quite vocal and angry when I don't.

Please note. This is not the edited thin photo. LOL!

To go all millennial on your asses (despite not actually being one. I googled it) trigger words for me are "disappointed" "no judgement but". And the insinuation that I am in this career to make a cheap buck. You can say "GOD YOUR VOICE IS ANNOYING" and I will block you or tell you to do one. But you can tell me that I've let you down and it breaks me. BREAKS ME. And whilst I know other people online are like "who cares man move on". For me I do care. As I strive to please everyone. I know my voice is annoying but I also know I do everything in my power not to disappoint people. Perhaps to a fault.

I turn down work every day. Thousands and thousands of pounds. Holidays...and yes last year even two Disneyland Paris trips with brands as I didn't think people would appreciate me going for free when I had already been. And you know I love Disney. My manager wants to kill me as there are rules for my pages. Only two ADs a week on instagram if possible so people get a lot of lovely non branded stuff. Each brand deal is thought about, negotiated, researched, contracts read and amended. It takes weeks. And I totally understand that with some ADs people are gonna be like "hey that is not for me!". That's cool. It's like me watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and an AD coming up for a Bingo site and I think "I would never play Bingo...wish they wouldn't encourage people to gamble".

But then SCREAMING that at the tele. Picking up my phone to tweet it. Finding TLCs instagram and leaving comments about it. I wouldn't do that as I couldn't be arsed. I would just turn over or go on Lisa Vanderpumps insta for a scroll. Also if I did TLC wouldn't care as they are a huge company with loads of employees. It wouldn't be coming straight to their phone whilst they are sat in their pyjamas with their husband. So for 2019 I have made a vow. I am going to be perfect But perfect for me. I'm 41. I'm intelligent. I will not have anyone shame me for the way I look but also for the decisions I make regarding my business. My thoughts and opinions may not be perfect for you. But they are for me. And there will also be that portion of people who read this and think "god this is a bit dramatic". Mate I am dramatic! I film myself flinging prawn crackers across the room every Friday night and SOB when I walk into the Magic Kingdom. And I guess that's why a lot of you like me. Just the way I am.
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