Monday, 8 April 2019

What's Been Going On With Me...

It's be a while since I've done a chatty update kinda blog but I felt that the time was right to sit down and write some words that hopefully may help some of you out there. During January I made the decision that I was going to start therapy. In the past few years I have changed careers, going from part time to full time and lived through a pretty traumatic accident and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. At times I was miserable. Not "bit grumpy but an episode of TOWIE and some Fruit Pastilles will make me happy". But really miserable. Once I sat fully clothed in the shower for hours. Refusing to leave. Stephen said he would turn it on. I said I didn't care. That kind of miserable.

There were a variety of things that made me feel this way. A culmination of little tiny things here and there that slowly ground me down and messed with my inner workings. Some of them including comments from trolls on threads about everything in my life. From the way I look, to my husband not wanting to sleep me with me, to how I spend my money, to discussing health issues with my daughter. I had got past the point of being able to move on from these comments and they were sticking to me like feathers in tar. I also work in an industry where you are constantly compared and judged. 

Transpires...going away for work alone...is kinda fun!

I would walk into a shop and be paralysed. Paralysed between what I liked, what I wanted and what people think I should have. When I spent money I felt physically sick as people often commented I spent too much. An instagram photo could wind me up so much that I would have to go to bed. I would be crippled at events. Avoiding them at all costs. At the detriment to my career. If I did attend the next day would result in an emotional hangover where I would replay things I had said over and over again. Texting friends full dialogues to get their point of view. But ultimately not believing them when they said I had done nothing wrong.

And this was the same with my lovely family who tried to help. It made no difference what they said or how they said it. I was still feeling broken. Originally I emailed The Samaritans but when I wrote down what I was feeling sad about it seemed so trivial with what other people go through. But I couldn't escape how I was feeling. It was mind consuming. So I researched local private therapists and booked myself a phone call with her. She seemed nice so I turned up to my first taster session. Where we had a good chat about everything I wanted to sort out. I simply wanted to be happy. My main aim was to wake up, be a good Mum, do well at my job, and go to bed. So I now attend every week with the aim of making that happen. Sometimes sessions are bright and breezy. Sometimes I leave and come home and am weeping for hours. It's tough.

I LEFT THE HOUSE AND HAD A NICE TIME!

But. In the past few weeks I have noticed something. Teeny tiny things have started to happen. I have travelled for work and enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong. I still did daft things like crying to two PR ladies when talking about my son dressing up as Peter Pan. But I just thought "well that's just me, take it or leave it". I've taken steps to cut out negativity in my life. And am celebrating normality. I'm also embracing that all mental health problems are valid. And that even when you have a lovely life you are still allowed to get help if you're feeling sad. I know not everyone will understand and some people will most probably think I am being a bit of a d*ck. But that's cool. As at the end of the day it's my happiness that counts. I've only got one life and I'm going to make sure I enjoy every single second of it. 
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36 comments

  1. Just nodded the whole way through reading your post! Everybody needs help with something. It's brave to ask for the help. It cuts you down to then allow yourself to be built up again! Brave. Xx

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  2. I always think you look amazing. You have such a beautiful smile and your posts are so down to earth, REAL and make me feel normal.
    I am so glad that your therapy is helping. I am going through a pretty crappy time at the moment. I feel so numb, so alone and like I am not good enough for my children.
    Thank you for all that you do. And to all the trolls out there, stick 2 fingers up at them and keep on rocking xx

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  3. Emma must have been difficult to write that..but we love you even more for being so honest :) xxx hugs

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  4. It’s sad that I’m this world people can’t just say nice things , encourage people and smile at someone’s success , these sort of people are obviously not happy in their own lives so pick at others , I love the blogs and fb and insta , I love to see the things you do , buy and your advice on all things relatable , and at the end of the day fair play if you make some money along the way and treat your kids your hubby and yourself xxx

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  5. Good luck with it. Sounds like youre doing it for the right reasons and hopefully you'll get back on track and feel like you can put the bad down stuff behind you and focus on the good

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  6. Well done sweetie!!! Mental health is something that affects us all in some way or another. We all need to be brave and speak up, ask for help, or find it for ourselves. We also need to be aware of other people’s struggles and what we can do to help....a smile, say something nice, have a chat, or a coffee together.....it’s the small things that make a difference. You have been brave in letting people into your life, hold your head up high bab, you’re doing a fab job with your kiddo’s and the are loads of us out here that suppprt you!!! Sending a big virtual hug!!! Xxx

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  7. Sadly, I think there are probably more people that can relate to what you've been going through than not. I've said it before, I think you are fabulous. Keep working through it. Keep talking about how you're feeling and you will come out the other side. I learned to only allow myself a few minutes to think about something that was troubling me...and I timed it because otherwise it's all too easy to wallow in something that others probably haven't given another thought. Good luck to you. xx

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  8. Totally relate to you, even though I'm no amazing social media babe, when you doubt yourself it's hard. Well done on going to speak to someone. Your Mental health comes first! Love you xx

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  9. Bless you Em, every feeling is valid and I'm well aware how unhelpful it is when people suggest you have nothing to feel sad about. It's irrelevant. Our minds play tricks on us and that's it. Glad you're getting the help you need and anything that is worth fighting for will be hard work at times. Keep going. xx

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  10. I'm so glad therapy is helping. You deserve to be happy. Sod the haters - you are loved by so many. The last 2 years I've been through some really tough times and not acknowledged how hard it's been so as to be strong for my family but there comes a time when everyone needs help and support. Keep being you xxx

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  11. Must’ve been so hard to explain to the world how you’ve been feeling .. but reading this gives me hope , that I’m not the only one who feels judged for whatever I do in life . Ignore the haters , carry on inspiring people like me to never give up xxx

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  12. A brave post Emma �� this social media world is so weird, making celebrities and ‘influencers’ feel closer to their audiences but people must remember that we have the privilege of seeing the personal lives of the accounts we follow and that REAL people have real feelings. Such a shame that a minority feel the need to ignore that and step over the line xx

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  13. I’ve said it time and time again, you are an inspiration to me. I’ve had a bit of therapy & it really is amazing. Well done you for taking time for you and your happiness. Lots of love xx

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  14. I couldn't agree more. Going through a similar thing. Struggling with parenting as well though and people's ideas of how to parent. I go over everything in my head, over analyize. I drink to have a release and then fret over how I am or what I've said in the morning I feel broken really but don't know how to help myself. Good to read your story.

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  15. Thank you for being so open and bravely sharing. Reading this tonight has really helped me on what I would describe as a thoroughly pap day. I nodded along to so much of what you wrote. Like you I have spells of over thinking and took a bold step (for me) at the weekend and deactivated Facebook. I’d realised it had become a negative part of my life and feel so good now for doing it. I do love Instagram and find it more friendly strangely, so will continue to joyfully follow you on here. Thank you again, you’re ruddy awesome Bab ��

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  16. You are valid and you are a wonderful lady, inside and out. You have me cry laughing (the kind of laughing when a mum of two has to cross her legs laughing) and you just seem like such a fun and incredible soul. I truly hope you reach your happy place mentally and - you deserve every second of it. I wish you nothing but positivity - keep being you xxxxx

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  17. It's so easy to say 'life is too short to worry about what others think of us' but sadly it's all to difficult to actually believe this. I think it's absolutely fabulous that you are taking steps to find your own happiness. I wish you every success Emma.

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  18. I'm also having therapy at the moment for a few different reasons. Like you, I ultimately want to be happy! Thank you for sharing this. I wish you happiness, success and peace x

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  19. Honest post as usual. So hard to have an online presence and not have to take abuse. Such a leap to take to discuss private feelings with someone you don't know. Maybe it's easier as they are diplomatic and it's not close to home. Keep doing what makes you happy and when it on longer does make the necessary changes.

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  20. I think you are BLOODY AMAZING xx

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  21. I can relate to many things that you have written there. I think you should feel blooming proud that you have been able to put your feelings and yourself out there, for all to see ♥️

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  22. I'm really pleased to hear that therapy is starting to help ❤

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  23. So many of us try and carry on and feel like we don’t deserve to complain or our issues are “silly”. You had the balls to reach out and get some help and it encourages some of us to do the same eventually lol thankyou for being honest and real which is why I love following you xx

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  24. Big well done hug for being so brave putting your thoughts & feelings out there my lovely!
    So many people suffer with all sorts of different mental health issues and it’s so good that someone with your influence talks about it. Just think of the conversations that you will start from your this post! ����
    Much love x x

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  25. I've been having one of the worst days mentally today, and this is just whay i needed to read to make me feel like im not alone and that someone understands. Thank you Emma. ����

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  26. Love this! Going through a similar thing n it’s so nice to see I’m not alone. Keep doing what you’re doing coz you’re helping people in your own wee way x

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  27. I really appreciate everything you have written in this blog. I have been feeling unhappy over the last six months but haven’t been able to justify putting my mental heath first as didn’t believe I ‘deserved’ to be struggling as I have everything I should need (partner, house, job etc.)

    This post has really spurred me on to putting myself first (which is an incredibly strange concept for me) and I’m going to take the steps to get some help or just take some more time to do the things I enjoy.

    Thank you xx

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  28. Completely relate as a full time working mum myself and also someone who has absolutely suffered also. Keep going there will be good days and bad, and it makes absolutely no difference what your financial status is, I have suffered when broke and suffered when financially secure. Take each one as it comes at you x

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  29. Well done Emma for your strength to ask for help and to keep going every week even when some sessions are not easy. It is great to hear you feel you're making progress and embracing being you ��

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  30. Well done I relate to this in so many ways xx

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  31. Taking that first step is the scariest thing ever! Would be really interesting in knowing how you researched your therapist. Ie did you look for BACP therapists? How did u know they were right for you? Did u talk to the GP first? ☺️

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  32. Good for you! So glad you're feeling a bit better and long may it continue. How important to share this honest post for others to learn from your experiences, and for them to understand the real woman behind the blogs and vlogs. I've always been amazed by what I saw as your confidence and the way you dealt with the nasty things people said to you. Just one negative comment (and I get literally one a year because I'm a very small blogger) hurts me and I was always in awe with how you picked yourself up and carried on, but I obviously didn't see what was really going on with you.

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  33. Love you, you’re still my fave, bab. All real, and lovely. Hugs x

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  34. I disagree alot with this post, as it seems very defensive and everyone else is the bad guy with no culpability of your own being taken into consideration with what you've written.

    You've decided to share a-lot with the public, surely you can understand that this will encourage people to make comments, speculations etc based on what -you- have chosen to post.

    Additionally, whilst I truly enjoyed reading your content in the past, what you now share, the encouragement for buying buying buying, lack of social consciousness and your behaviour towards your viewers, I find more and more unrelatable.

    I do however, wish you best on your journey to better well being.

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  35. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 thank you for sharing and I wish your happy days out number your sad 💗💗💗💗💗

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