Wednesday, 18 April 2018

15 Signs You Are A Parent In The Midst Of A UK HEATWAVE!

1) You first hear of the hot weather when you check your weather app whilst you are watching Paw Patrol at 6:01am. You then tell everyone you come into contact with throughout the day, ranging from your husband to the lady that calls up about PPI, that we are "GOING TO HAVE A HEATWAVE".

2) You do approximately seven loads of washing to make sure your washing line is full to the brim at any one point.

3) You shave your toes, your legs, your armpits and PAINT YOUR NAILS! Your husband thinks his luck is in. It isn't.

4) You dig out an old tatty Primark beach dress, last seen worn in Lanzarote, and parade around in your garden in it at 8am. Hanging your washing up with no bra underneath it. The neighbours won't mind as "WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE".

5) You start to get the urge to drink Pimms around 11am. You last out till 1pm. Drinking in the garden does not count. It's like the 15 Fab ice lollies you consumed. No calories when the sun is out! You will sweat them all out of your system. Right?

6) You send your other half out for "emergency heatwave supplies" like a giant fan from Asda and garden recliners from Argos. He texts he's going to be a while "as the queues are f*cking massive". Everyone else? Has had the same idea.

No bra on, on my 589th ice lolly and about to hang out MORE washing

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Tuesday, 17 April 2018

9 Reasons We Loved Our Haven Holiday

If you follow me on social media you will have noticed that we popped down to Devon Cliffs for a mini break recently. One of Haven's largest family caravan parks, Devon Cliffs holds a special place in my heart as it was the first holiday we had as a family of three. We visited a couple of times when my daughter was much younger so were really excited to return with both children. We spent a couple of nights in a caravan and as we are working with Haven in 2018 we are lucky enough to be able to return in the summer holidays. So here are the nine reasons we enjoyed our trip so much and can't wait to go back...

Haven Holidays, Devon Cliffs

1. Accommodation
We stayed in a prestige caravan. Not only did it have all the things you look for in a caravan; cleanliness, space, nearby parking. It also had added extras like loads of plug sockets for various devices, a really lovely fun interior and two toilets which is essential for a family of four. My children loved the bright design. And I loved the tele in the master bedroom!

Haven Holidays, Devon Cliffs

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Monday, 16 April 2018

10 Ways To Prepare Yourself For Your Kid Starting School

1. Cry and Panic
I found my children starting school to be super traumatic. I wept continuously. I kept holding them and sniffing their heads saying things like "DON'T LEAVE ME" "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME". I would lie awake at night worrying they wouldn't make friends. That I wouldn't make friends. THAT IT WOULD JUST BE TERRIBLE. So first piece of advice is don't be a d*ck like me. It's OK to feel a bit sad but try and get your act together for gods sake.

2. Enjoy Your Final Few Months Together
After all the sobbing and me generally just being a nightmare one thing I did do was make the most of my final few months with my children. With my son there were some days where we did nothing except snuggle in bed, watch TV and eat Smarties. It was glorious. Don't feel overwhelmed to make all these amazing plans with your little one. Just make the most of the time you have left in a way you can both enjoy.

3. Prepare
You will get loads of bits of paper from the school and will be tempted to pop them in your kitchen drawer of crap and ignore it till August 29th. Don't do this. I did that. And then had to rush out and try and panic buy teeny tiny red PE shorts. Get the list out and get all the stuff you need as soon as possible. You are about to experience buying school shoes for the first time. It is hell. And you want to get it over with quickly.

starting school

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Friday, 13 April 2018

10 Signs You Are Staying In (Again) This Friday Night

1. Preparation
Whether your Friday has been looking after children all day, or being sat in a office from 9am. You are exhausted. The preparation for your weekend to begin is the sweet sound of the clasp of your bra being undone. And dropping to the floor. Hell it's only 5:30pm! But it's never too early to let those puppies hang free (and low) #kneeboobs.

2. OOTD (that is youth speak for Outfit Of The Day)
Bra is off. Pyjamas are on. Generally these are thick, warm and probably tartan. Sometimes you may wear a long striped shirt nightie. Thinking you look all cool, trendy and a bit sexy. Combined with two year old Matalan slippers and a dirty dressing gown. You don't. And put some bottoms on for gods sake. We can see your fanny.

3. Knowing Ones Limitations
Around Wednesday you start to get excited for your Friday night take away. You are going to eat that Chinese/Pizza/Curry SO HARD it won't know what's hit it. You lustfully discuss with your other half over text how you plan to ram prawn toast down your gob. You wonder how many spring rolls you can consume this week. There are no limitations for Friday night take away. You survived another week. YOU EARNED IT. And everyone knows calories don't count when the weekend starts. It's a law.

Friday Night
Calorie Free!

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Tuesday, 3 April 2018

The Knackered Mums Guide To Entertaining Children

Most of the time we are on the ball with this looking after children thing. We can book in play dates. Or go to soft play. Or even, gulp, get the paints out (vom). But sometimes? We are crap. We've run out of friends houses to trash. It's p*ssing it down so we can't hit the park. The thought of a hot and stinking soft play wants to make us smash our own face in and if we have to listen to "Daddy Finger" on YouTube one more time? We shall scream.

We get desperate. After over an hour of Paw Patrol, we realise it is still only 7am. Which is exactly 11 hours till Daddy comes home. So in my seven years of being a Mum I have developed a list of some 'alternative' places to visit. If you're really bored, or hormonal, or just need an escape. These are my fail safes. Some are free. Some cost a tenner. But one can't put a price on the sheer relief of not seeing friggin Chase and his pals. Again.

The 'Free' Zoo
OK so Pets at Home isn't technically a free zoo. But when you are five. Anywhere that has a rabbit, a guinea pig, a very exciting chinchilla and a fancy 'Nemo' fish can be classed as a zoo. One of my favourite places to visit if it is freezing cold. We have been known to spend a good hour at the 'zoo'. But be warned. One time? I left with two guinea pigs called Anna and Elsa. My husband has still never quite forgiven me.

CAKE IN A CAFÉ...living the dream...


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