Tuesday, 19 September 2017

The 18 Steps To Leaving The House With Children

Step 1. Remember how soul destroying tying to leave a house with small people is and decide to begin the process 30 minutes earlier that you need to.

Step 2. Instantly forget how soul destroying trying to leave a house with small people is and do any of the following; quickly put the washing away/drink luke warm tea/decide randomly to tidy the toy box/anything that means you don't have to start said soul destroying process.

Step 3. SH*T YOU HAVE TWENTY MINUTES TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! EVERYBODY GET DRESSED! GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED! WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER BOOT! STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! JUST GET READY!

Step 4. 7 minutes later...no one bar you has moved. F*ck.

You ready bab? OH FFS

Thursday, 14 September 2017

It's The Guilt That Ruins Motherhood.

On my daughters first day back to Year 2 I thought I had smashed it. She was head to toe in brand spanking new school uniform. She had her PE bag and I'd even remembered to label everything. As in proper labels not a hastily drawn on scrawl. Then, just as she walked in, she whispered those words no Mum wants to hear "You did remember my apple didn't you?". And just like that. BOOM I was back to that feeling in the pit of my stomach that gets me all hot and flappy. That all encompassing thing I have felt since the moment I gave birth. Guilt.

Guilt is always there in the back of my mind. A slow background buzz in whatever situation I am in. When I worked in a school it came in such waves I used to cry driving away from the nursery as I dropped my 9 month old off. When I started to work from home it rose to the forefront of my mind as I had to be at the computer rather than reading to my toddler. It wakes me up in the middle of the night. It might be that I forgot to sew on a Rainbows badge or remembering that time during the day where my son watched YouTube for an hour so I could clean.


Sunday, 10 September 2017

10 Reasons Mums Don't Look Like Tramps In Autumn!

Oh autumn you amazing thing of beauty. You are the one season in the year when us Mum's come into our own. When we feel slightly more human. In fact sometimes it can be said we even look "nice". Summer? Is hot and clammy. We can never tell if it's going to be a bit cold so we sweat in our Mum coats, forget to shave our legs and end up in maxi skirts and leggings all the time. Winter we worry about snow, forgetting mittens and slipping arse over tit in Matalan wellies. Spring is spent with our hood up moaning about the rain whilst we wait for summer. Which we have forgotten we hate.

But autumn? Is our season. Because in autumn our Mum's uniform can be passed off as an actual choice. That we went into a shop and decided to look a certain way rather than just shoving the nearest thing onto us as we run out of the door. So behold the 'looks' us Mums rock in Autumn. And for once? Feel part of the in crowd. Pinterest says we are bang on trend. And who are we to argue?

autumn fashion
Boots and a jazzy scarf basically makes me totes Kate Moss. FACT

Monday, 4 September 2017

10 Things You ARE Allowed To Say When You're A Mum #PNDAW17

Being a Mum is one of the most rewarding jobs on the planet but sometimes? It can also be the hardest. We are supposed to be perfect super humans who just adore and relish EVERY single moment. This week is PANDAS Pre and Postnatal Depression Week. A time to support those women who are meant to be cherishing every second of being pregnant or relishing every moment when their gorgeous little one is born. But? Unfortunately they don't due to their mental health. Every day I receive messages from readers saying "I'm so glad it's not just me". So to reassure you here are ten things you ARE allowed to say if you're a Mum...and remember it's? NEVER just you.

"I'm so f*cking tired"
Find me a Mother who isn't tired and I will give you a million pounds. Having a baby is the most exhausting time of your life. Sometimes the only way to get through? Is to have a little cry, eat a copious amount of cake and nap when you can.

"I'm really bored"
Being a Mum can be really boring. Sure there are those moments when the baby is awake and there's loads of cuddles and giggles. But there are also the times when they are asleep. And you are stuck in the house. Or when they are toddlers and they want to watch Peppa on repeat. Doesn't mean you hate your child. You just? REALLY hate Peppa #peppaisaknob

"I'm lonely"
Loneliness is something that is really hard to admit to. You are on maternity leave. You should be living the high life. Being a lady wot lunches with millions of new Mum mates. But more often than not I was found roaming the streets with a sleeping baby willing someone to talk to me. I turned to social media and writing to help me. You may prefer baby clubs. Whatever gets you through.

Maternal Mental Health
You teeny sleep thief you

Sunday, 3 September 2017

17 'New School Year' Resolutions Of A Knackered School Run Mum

1. I will not scream "GET READY" times 5637 each morning between 8am and 8:30am. I won't threaten to take the tablets off my children. Say I am going to ban television or say I'm telling Father Christmas.

2. I will not fume internally when my children give me the wrong foot for the wrong shoe. Three times. I shall be patient and kind and not say I might ban shoes in the future.

3. I will leave with 15 minutes to spare. I won't in any way shape or form be wondering each day at 8:39am where the hell the time has gone and why my children STILL HAVE NOT GO THEIR SHOES ON.