Sunday, 21 December 2014

The Sound of Motherhood

When I was in my one and only 'how to have a baby' class at the local hospital (we never went back after they made my other half do role play with strangers) they talked about the noise one makes when in labour. They said it was almost animalistic. A guttural howling. Like a man changing into a werewolf. Pah! I thought. Not me...

Cue five months later when I am hanging off the bedroom radiator screeching at the top of my lungs whilst my husband looked on terrified, wishing he was back doing drama with random men. I'm not sure why, but since giving birth I am now devoid of ANY dignity. Once you have had more than one hand shoved up your privates you kinda don't care any more. That wolf like howl is the just the first in list of very loud moans and groans and sighs I make now I am a Mum. Not sexual of course. Whose got time for that? There's episodes of Real Housewives to watch...

The Early Morning Groan
"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumy" you hear. You look at the alarm clock. It says 5:37am. And you sit up. Throw your legs over the side of the bed. Rub your eyes. And groan. The only way to explain this noise is the sound of a Mummy in an old Scooby Doo cartoon. It's a groan to represent it's early, it's cold, it somehow seems TO BE YOU TURN TO GET UP AGAIN. It's a groan of sad resignation. And you have learnt this groan is far more productive than screaming at the top of your voice "Oh for f*cks sake!".

Oh that's a lovely cup of tea!

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Festive Favourites Round Up 5

Hooray! We are here! We have done it! We have finally go to the last festive favourites of 2014! Over the past month or so you have seen some of the lovely places we have visited Father Christmas, entered the odd competition and perused some gift ideas. This week I have a couple of fab late present ideas. Maybe that can be sent to the recipients house in that horrible last minute "Oh bugger I've forgotten to get them anything" panic. And to make it even better there are some super duper discount codes. Job. Done.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Wicked Wednesdays 17th December

Hello and welcome to the last #wickedwednesdays of 2014! The next two fall on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve and I thought no-one wants to be commenting over those two momentous days so lets all take a nice fortnights break and enjoy the festivities. This is the first time I have had a rest from the blog since Easter. But we will DEFO be back January 7th so expect reminder tweets around then.

I just wanted to say thanks so much for linking up week on week. I really love seeing all your pictures and I wanted to say that what I love most is that you know it does give other parents a bit of hope. It shows them that life with kids isn't all perfect and isn't all Insta-sham. Sometimes? It can be bloody hard work. They make me laugh. And I like laughing. The below picture is the one that started the idea off in my head. The sh*t hole that made me want to start a linky.

There have been so many people that have linked up on and off over the past five months but I just wanted to shout out to a few that have been there from the start and have linked up nearly every week Teen Tween ToddlerLife As Our Little FamilyPotty Mouthed Mummy3 Princesses and 1 DudeNot a Frumpy MumCalifornian Mum in LondonPolka Dots and Cups of Tea and finally Stopping at Two. Thanks ladies. 

Have a lovely Christmas and New Year. I can't wait to see what hilarious shots you manage to gather over the next fortnight! Lots and Lots of Love Em xxx
Linky Info

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

The Ghost of Christmas Past...

Do you remember a time before the elf of the shelf? Before 'The Elsa Dress' was on every little girls present list? Before gifts were wrapped in shabby chic brown paper and tied with string? And before Pinterest made our table displays look worthy of Home Interiors magazines? Do you my friend remember when Christmas Day...was just a bit well crap?

Not crap as in crap, crap.  No believe you me my Christmas day memories are some of the happiest times in my life. Crap as in it was a bit haphazard and simple and just well a lovely kinda crap. So here are the things I will miss most about Christmas now we are all modern and sh*t.

Ah the joy of non child friendly decorations. Bright glass baubles that were used year on year on year. From Woolworths no doubt. They precariously hung there waiting to drop and smash. Maybe on a child's face. The tinsel that was a bit threadbare and I don't really remember any other colours existing bar silver. Maybe a gold? That was it. I think Paperchase now model a lot of their decos on the tat that was around in the 80s. Which shows how ruddy fab it was.

Picture From RetroWow.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Do's and Don'ts for the Socially Awkward Mother

Since becoming a Mum I have become a bit of a hermit. I do go out obviously. But I enjoy the nice warm snug seats of a cinema, with pick 'n' mix in abundance and the chance to have a little cat nap. The nights I have been out drinking and socialised with the actual general public? Well. Have ended up in me either 1) massively pissed by 9pm, in bed by 10pm 2) weeping about me not being 21, footloose and fancy free whilst finding really UGLY men attractive or 3) pissed, weeping, fancying ugly men and in bed by 10pm. After I have attempted doing the full routine to Single Ladies. My own extended version.

I can swan round a soft play and make friends in minutes. At a Butlin's disco? I would be there BOOM! doing the Cha Cha Slide. Peppa World? Conquered that b*tch twice. But the thought of going out in the real world without my children sometimes shakes me to my very core. So new parents, with tiny babies, I have developed a few do's and don'ts if you're planning your first post baby night out...warning...this could (will) get messy.

Do start by going out somewhere a bit relaxed. Maybe a meal or perhaps a nice bar with a few friends. 
Don't start by going to an all nighter rave. Not only will you want to be in bed at the VERY latest midnight but also you will have forgotten that the youth of today are thin, glam and do something called 'twerking'. You won't like it. And don't try it. You will look awful doing it. Also now you are a mother you will need the toilet every hour at the most. Queues will be too big in such a venue. You could wee yourself. 

That's me.  On the left. Grabbing my boob.  First night out for 18mths. Classy.