Wednesday, 7 December 2016

You Keep On Getting Bigger...

To my beautiful girl

This week you turn 6! I'm not sure how this has happened? When 4 arrived it nearly killed me as you were no longer a toddler. You were a proper little girl. 5 came along. You were in reception which is a whole other level of heartache and now you've hit 6. SIX! And whilst I thought that 5, 6, 7 and so on would all just merge into the same until you hit your tweens (I've prepared your Father that it's going to be awful and you will hate us a bit), 6 actually is a bit different to 5. As now you 'get it'.

6 seems to be the age where you start to understand that the world isn't quite as perfect as it was when you were 4. That the giant Nemo on Disney on Ice isn't the real Nemo (but thank god you still believe Elsa is Elsa. I don't think I could take that). You decided that you weren't going to smile in your school photo this year as you were embarrassed by your missing tooth and you cried recently as you were sad you didn't think you were funny. At 3? You would have just said the word "poo" and laughed about it for half an hour.


Tuesday, 6 December 2016

5 Tricks To Make Your Home Cosy For Christmas

I have always been a home bird. To me there is NOTHING finer in life than staying in your house whilst the weather is freezing outside. Unfortunately when you are the Mother to two small children staying at home? Can often mean being surrounded by lots of Shopkins, giant Hulk hands and raisins that are smeared into the carpet. It's annoying and with Christmas just around the corner? The pressure to make your house extra cosy and tidy for visitors is strong. So I thought I would chat about five things I do to make sure my distant relatives leave going "Oh what a lovely house!" rather than "Urgh I've got a Shopkin in my shoe!". The tricks I use so they think I've got my act together (I haven't).

Fancy Storage
Storage is amazing. It gives the illusion of a tidy house. In our playroom we have large baskets where we shove all the kids cuddly toys. So rather than there being large piles of Peppa pigs in every corner, there is fancy basket instead. I've always picked mine up in the sales and more often than not they are really nice washing baskets that have cost me £5.

QUICK LIGHT ALL THE CANDLES!

Sunday, 4 December 2016

9 Stages Of Preparing For A Christmas Night Out Out. Mum Style

Initial Excitement
YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY. AN ACTUAL PARTY. WITH PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK WITH. YOU CAN SWEAR AS LOUD AS YOU LIKE AT THEM!!! THERE WILL BE DANCING AND IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST NIGHT EVER!...

Initial Fear
...It dawns on you that you have not been out for 18 months. You don't know what to wear. You've forgotten how to dance. Do people sill dance? Is BeyoncĂ© 'Single Ladies' still cool? WHAT DO PEOPLE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY WEAR AND TALK ABOUT? If it's not maternity leggings and Mr Bloom? You shall be screwed.

Overcoming Fear
With the persuasion of your mates (who are single, childless and younger but you choose to ignore this) you decide to bite the bullet and go along anyway. You excitedly buy your Christmas party ticket and start to search ASOS for dresses.

'The Dress'
What fresh hell is this? What is a body con dress? Why do people want to show off their mid rifts and why on earth has a chunky heel made a return when in reality it just highlights your cankles? Why haven't people heard of a sleeve? You end up typing in 'sparkly, plus sized, black dress WITH SLEEVES'. There is a choice of two. You pick the one that looks like it might just cover your arse and hide your Mum Tum.

Sparkles. Shed loads of make up. A jazzy flat shoe and HUGE pants. Job. Done

Saturday, 3 December 2016

Ten Stages Of A Mother's Birthday Morning

1) You are awoken by your eldest at 5:14am. She announces "there is still a star out but I ignored it". F*cking useless gro clock.

2) Your daughter kindly awakes your son at 6:01am. He runs in and you expect a full rendition of "Happy Birthday deaaaaarrrrrr Mummy". Which you will then get him to recreate for your Instagram stories. Instead what you get is someone shouting something about a tablet.

3) You get led downstairs by your children. You're excited! You realise quite quickly you don't actually get to open your own presents.



Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Normal Woman Wears Normal Clothes Shocker!

Sometimes when I have a few minutes to myself I scroll through the trending newsfeed on Facebook (OK I fess up this is often a loo based activity hiding from the kids). Today I saw that Jessie Wallace was 'ALMOST UNRECOGNISABLE' as she did her Christmas shopping. "Oh" I thought "perhaps she went dressed as a Kangaroo or maybe in a ballgown?". What bizarre outfit must she be wearing to provoke such a response and get trending? Well sit down...I hate to break it to you...she was wearing...a t-shirt, black biker jacket, jogging bottoms and a woolly hat. HOW DARE SHE! HOW DARE SHE LOOK NORMAL! F*cking Kat Slater. Such a liberty.

Obviously it's not a liberty. She looked a ruddy sight better than I have done doing the school run in the rain or popping to the local shop to get some emergency bread. She looked like a normal lady doing chores. Once again the media is telling women that they should dress a certain way. As Mothers we are forever being told that we can be stylish if we want. That just as we are Mums it doesn't mean that we have to let ourselves go. It's possible to be yummy. Or even a MILF. Imagine that? Having people want to f*ck us. Even though we have given birth? MADNESS. Ahem.

Image: XPOSURE

Monday, 28 November 2016

Five Steps From 'School Run Mum' To A 'Going Out Out' One!

Since becoming a Mum I have fallen in love with makeup. It may be to do with the fact that larger luxuries such as a new outfit seem a bit over the top, but I don't mind forking out a couple of quid on new eyeshadows. When I'm feeling exhausted and I look a bit of a state? I can shove blusher on as I run out of the house and feel more human. I also love mooching around Boots when I have the odd ten minutes to myself so I was excited to be sent some of their Natural Collection makeup range to review.

They asked me to create a look that I would wear that could easily move from my natural day time Mum/work duty look, to one perfect for a festive evening night out. Because long gone are the days where we had hours to prepare for the staff Christmas party. I'm lucky if I get 15 minutes before I have to run out of the door! One of the best things about the Boots Natural Collection range is that nothing costs over £1.99. So you will feel no Mum guilt if you pop a few treats in your basket the next time you are on an emergency nappy run.

Christmas Mum Mother
Every Christmas party needs eyeliner and comedy ears. FACT!