Monday, 21 May 2018

10 Rules Of Packing For Holidays

1) All packing must be done by the mother and the mother alone. This is an unwritten rule. No-one really knows why this rule exists but for some reason IT IS A RULE (FFS).

2) You will not be able to find one of your suitcases for some reason. You can't remember where you stored the missing suitcase but this will certainly be the suitcase that holds the important things like travel plugs, or the travel iron (never to be used) or just stuff you f*cking well need.

3) When you find most of your suitcases they appear to be smaller than they were last year which means you have to rethink exactly what you will pack. Can your whole family live with no shoes for a fortnight maybe?

Packing For Holidays

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Monday, 14 May 2018

11 Ways To Feel 'Beach Ready' When You're A Bit Chubby

1. Lose a sh*t load of weight three months before you go on holiday...

2....Or forget to do this and plan to rock the body you've already got.

3. NEVER try on costumes in Primark. Sure you can get three for £20. But the way your soul is destroyed as it dawns on you that your body is too long, your gut is too big and your tits are too saggy to fit into them is not worth the hassle. Invest in an over the shoulder boulder holder from M&S. And try not to cringe as you hand over £36.

beach ready, body confidence

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Monday, 7 May 2018

Dear Manky Iggle Piggle...

Dear Manky Iggle Piggle

You have been in my life now for just over six years. A gift to my eldest child around the age of one. I have no clue who bought you or how you got here. But just like many of the toys that cram every orifice of my three bed terraced house you just appeared. My daughter adored you. As new parents my husband and I were baffled by the attraction of In The Night Garden. But it soon became my babies drug of choice. Your bizarre plots eased her off to sleep and I often became quite excited when I guessed that it was the Ninky Nonk that the trippy cast were going to ride on today.

My son came along and we forced In The Night Garden on him as soon as he could focus past the end of his nose. My little girls Iggle Piggle soon became his Iggle Piggle. A permanent attachment to him. Which wouldn't be so bad but I co sleep (aka the bugger wouldn't sleep anywhere else). So Iggle Piggle you became attached to me. "That's OK!" I hear you all exclaim. But there are several issues with you aren't there Iggle Piggle? As you talk don't you? You talk in really creepy statements. Really loudly. Apart from when your batteries are dying and then you talk in REAAAALLY CREEPY statements. REALLY LOUDLY AND SLOWLY.

Iggle Piggle With My Then Two Year Old

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Thursday, 3 May 2018

I Can Finally Breathe...

Warning this is a post that contains a bit too much TMI. If you are not a lover of TMI then it may be best to go and read something else. As I am going to be talking about the P word. The word that come to think about it isn't really talked about that much. Periods. But I am going to focus mainly on the dreaded PMS that comes along with it. Something that for the past few years has ruled my life. Been in the back of my mind constantly and has reared it's ugly head for 10 days each and every single month. Sometimes in the most terrible and upsetting ways.

I have chatted about PMS before. My friends and I jokingly call it 'The Red Mist'. During certain days of the month it is as if a thick fog descends over us. It clouds our judgements. It infiltrates our thoughts like some evil spirit from a horror film. Whilst I have always had mild PMS, I found after having my second child it became almost unmanageable. It seems quite embarrassing to talk to people about it so really only confided in a few close friends. Who could sense when the mist was arriving and helped me guide my way through it.

I will chat about some of the symptoms I got during these days. Firstly there was 'the rage'. An anger that would control me. The simplest thing would see me flipping out. I would throw plates. I would scream at my poor husband for an hour over the mashed potato not being quite right. I can't express it but it was a physical feeling that overtook my body. I couldn't calm down. I would shake. I dreaded this feeling so much that days before my PMS was due to arrive I would start to worry about experiencing it again. The school run seemed impossible as I didn't want to shout at the kids. I had to avoid certain situations for fear of screaming at friends and family.

PMS

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Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Dear Gary Barlow

Dear Gary Barlow...

I am not sure if you know this but we have been having an affair for the past 26 years. It started off quite innocently when I was 14 and in my dreams we would hold hands and maybe go to a disco. This love has continued until now. I am 40 and in my dreams we...well actually lets just keep that between us shall we? Our lust does not need to be written down. It can remain unspoken between us.

I'll be honest when I first saw you in Smash Hits magazine you didn't immediately catch my eye. I was drawn to Mark and his inoffensive man child looks. But then he started tarting around in cropped tops that said 'Baddy Powder' and got a ridiculous dolphin tattoo. So I decided that you were my one true love. Gary, you reminded me a bit of me. You weren't the most popular band member but I loved the way you could laugh at yourself. And the fact you wrote Back For Good meant you were a true romantic at heart. I used to go to sleep staring at the posters (that my Dad got really cross I put on my celling) and dreamt we would be together.


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