Thursday, 13 February 2020

10 Reasons Why Female Friends Kick Ass

1. When You're Boring? They Listen
They will listen when I'm cross with my husband. They will be there when I've fallen out with someone at work. They patiently smile whilst I bang on about a never ending tirade of boring crap that normal people would say "SHUT THE F*CK UP" too. But my friends? Listen.

2. When You're Laughing. They Laugh Too
My friend and I call each other Linda. That's not funny. But to us? Hilarious. There is no one on earth that will make you belly laugh like a friend. To the point where tears are rolling down your face and a little bit of wee comes out. Which makes you laugh more.

3. They Love You. Even When You Look Like Sh*t
It has got to the stage with my closest friends that I am reluctant to put a bra on for them. In fact if you visit my house and I have no bra on and am in my pyjamas? Then you my friend are on my besties list. And if I do the same in your house? Consider yourself honoured (and maybe have a word with me as that is a step too far).



Sunday, 9 February 2020

'Will I Ever Pee Alone Again?' - Your Book Questions Answered!

If you follow me on social media you will know that excitingly on March 5th I release my very first book with Little Brown Books! 'Will I Ever Pee Alone Again?' is a collection of 77 poems I've written about motherhood, relationships, friendship and body confidence. I took to instagram and asked you to ask me anything you wanted about the book...I sat down and filmed a super chatty video answering them all for you. I also talk about books I love, books the kids love and the process of how to write a book. I even give you a sneak peak of a poem in the description. So grab a cuppa, shove on a couch blanket and enjoy...


Monday, 3 February 2020

The Seven Stages Of Sibling Spite

A vintage post from February 2017 to make you smile...thankfully they have stopped fighting...a bit!

One of the many reasons I had another child was I thought that it would be good for the two of them to grow up together. To play with each other. To make each other smile and to generally be besties. F*ck me I got that wrong! From the minute they wake up (generally before 6am obvs) till the minute we get them into bed kicking and screaming they row, they bicker, they shout, they push, they tell tales and generally? They seem to well, kinda hate each other. There are different causes to their anger and hatred towards each other. They can be summed up like this:

Sharing (NOT)
The amount of times I say "share, share, SHARE! FOR GODS SAKE SHARE!" a day? Is unreasonable. They don't share. They pull, they grab, they hide things. They do the polar opposite of sharing. They fight over the tablet. They fight over The Gruffalo Book. They fight for twenty minutes over a free three year old Mr Tumble phone. Then it snaps. And they blame each other for not sharing. And I die a little inside.

Ahhh the joy of a sibling shout off. Generally over something really important. Such as one wanting the sing along words at the bottom of the Trolls DVD and the other not wanting it. The one who didn't want it can't read anyway SO WHY DID HE CARE?  The shouting starts as a mild rumble and then is just two kids, standing and screaming at each other. Probably forgetting even why they started. Now I tend to just walk away and hide in the kitchen...

Angry as he DIDN'T cream face in his face and she did


Friday, 31 January 2020

10 Things Mums REALLY Want For Valentine's Day!

Dear love of my life, father of my children, my wonderful soul mate

I know traditionally Valentine's Day is a time to show how much we truly mean to each other. Pre-children we went out for fancy meals. You've bought me a dozen red roses and I've surprised you in saucy underwear. And I want you to know that I do love you. Like REALLY love you. But. I am also knackeredREALLY knackered. My legs are hairy and to be honest saucy underwear in my current state could possible repulse you. So. I have made a list of ten things I would REALLY love for Valentine's Day this year. They are not traditionally romantic. But to me they would mean the world...

1. A lie in till at least 7:30am. Without me elbowing you and whispering in your ear to "GET UP!".

2. Hot cup of tea in bed that wasn't microwaved. Accompanied by toast I don't have to share.

3. You watch the kids whilst I have a shower. And by watch I don't mean let them kill each other in front of Crackerjack..

You don't have to sit next to me if you don't want to


Thursday, 23 January 2020

The Don't Beat Yourself Up Guide To Milestones

This vintage post was first published in May 2015...

This week was my son's 27th month check up with the health visitor. And we got the usual odd checklist of things to see what he can and can't do. If you have never seen it is is a list of strange tasks which are supposed to see how well your child is developing. For example can they jump (yes), can they jump forward (mmm no unless pushed by his sister), can they draw in a straight line (no but he once drew all over the coffee table), can they put macaroni on a piece of string (I HAVE NO IDEA AS I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT WITH HIM) and so on.

First time round? I worried about this with my girl. She was bright as a button that one. She could speak really well, she could put her coat on but...she couldn't jump. Literally not even vaguely. She would pretend that she could jump and even that was crap. We practised all the time. As if her not jumping in this check up would mean I was a dreadful parent. And the big day came (it was also at the same time as my son's month check up NO PRESSURE THEN). And she couldn't jump...but also? She wouldn't speak. She refused to draw. She threw bricks at the health visitor. She would not take her clothes off to be weighed. And? Screamed blue murder solidly for one whole hour. F*ck.

I am in no way shape or form training my son to build blocks

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