Wednesday, 11 September 2019

The Eternal Struggle Of Trying To Juggle

It's week two of the new school term. Week one is always fun. There's new shiny shoes! Shirts that are too big! Beaming smiles in photos taken outside front doors! Chats after school about teachers, school dinners and who they are sitting next to. It's great. An exciting way to start September. But then week two hits and it's back to normal with a bang. Shouting "GET YOUR SHOES ON!", being an eternal taxi driver from dance class to beavers to dentists to hastily picking up presents for weekend birthday parties. The parenting juggle starts and the struggle is real.

It's around this time of year when it dawns on me after eight years of being a Mum I still haven't quite got my sh*t together. That my husband and I are still never quite on the same page no matter how hard we try. And that bloody washing basket is eternally full. We have a computerised diary, the children have reward charts and I methodically add in each and every thing from the school calendar to our calendar. Yet someone always forgets to take toast money in and the other day I lost our house keys at 8:42am. They were found in a random trainer after much whisper swearing from me.


Thursday, 5 September 2019

11 Reasons Mums Look FIT AF In The Autumn!

Oh autumn you amazing thing of beauty. You are the one season in the year when us Mum's come into our own. When we feel slightly more human. In fact sometimes it can be said we even look "a bit fit". Summer? Is hot and clammy. We can never tell if it's going to be a bit cold so we sweat under our boobs in our Mum coats, forget to shave our legs and end up in maxi skirts and leggings all the time. Winter we worry about snow, forgetting mittens and slipping arse over tit in floral Matalan wellies. Spring is spent with our hood up moaning about the rain whilst we wait for summer. Which we have forgotten we hate.

But autumn? Is our season. Because in autumn our Mum's uniform can be passed off as an actual choice. That we went into a shop and decided to look a certain way rather than just shoving the nearest thing onto us as we run out of the door. So behold the 'looks' us Mums rock in Autumn. And for once? Feel part of the in crowd. Instagram says we are bang on trend. And who are we to argue?

Thick. Black. Tights
I favour my tights to be black as the nights sky and coming right up to my tits. Ideally under my armpits. Don't tell anyone but I wore my maternity tights till my son was three. And only then stopped as the gusset went. Tights hold in bellies. Tights smooth out hairy legs. Tights? Were created by God for us to enjoy.

I would actually like these tights to be a bit higher


Tuesday, 13 August 2019

10 Ways To Prepare Yourself For Your Kid Starting School

1. Cry and Panic
I found my children starting school to be super traumatic. I wept continuously. I kept holding them and sniffing their heads saying things like "DON'T LEAVE ME" "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME". I would lie awake at night worrying they wouldn't make friends. That I wouldn't make friends. THAT IT WOULD JUST BE TERRIBLE. So first piece of advice is don't be a d*ck like me. It's OK to feel a bit sad but try and get your act together for gods sake.

2. Enjoy Your Final Few Weeks Together
After all the sobbing and me generally just being a nightmare one thing I did do was make the most of my final few weeks with my children. With my son there were some days where we did nothing except snuggle in bed, watch TV and eat Smarties. It was glorious. Don't feel overwhelmed to make all these amazing plans with your little one. Just make the most of the time you have left in a way you can both enjoy.

3. Prepare
You will get loads of bits of paper from the school and will be tempted to pop them in your kitchen drawer of crap and ignore it till August 29th. Don't do this. I did that. And then had to rush out and try and panic buy teeny tiny red PE shorts. Get the list out and get all the stuff you need as soon as possible. You are about to experience buying school shoes for the first time. It is hell. And you want to get it over with quickly.

starting school


Monday, 22 July 2019

15 Signs You Are A Parent In The Midst Of A UK HEATWAVE!

1) You first hear of the hot weather when you check your weather app whilst you are watching CBeebies at 6:01am. You then tell everyone you come into contact with throughout the day, ranging from your husband to the lady that calls up about PPI, that we are "GOING TO HAVE A HEATWAVE".

2) You do approximately seven loads of washing to make sure your washing line is full to the brim at any one point. Nothing is safe. If you could you would shove your kids in and hang them out to dry.

3) You shave your toes, your legs, your armpits and PAINT YOUR NAILS! Your husband thinks his luck is in. It isn't.

4) You dig out an old tatty Primark beach dress, last seen worn in Lanzarote, and parade around in your garden in it at 8am. Hanging your washing up with no bra underneath it. The neighbours won't mind as "WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE".

5) You start to get the urge to drink Pimms around 11am. You last out till 1pm. Drinking in the garden does not count. It's like the 15 white Magnums you consumed. No calories when the sun is out! You will sweat them all out of your system. Right?

6) You send your other half out for "emergency heatwave supplies" like a giant fan from Asda and garden recliners from Argos. He texts he's going to be a while "as the queues are f*cking massive". Everyone else. Has had the same idea.

No bra on, on my 5th Pimms and about to hang out MORE washing


Monday, 8 July 2019

Never Change My Love...

To my gorgeous girl

It's summer as I write this and your face has blossomed with the freckles you adore so much. With each new ones arrival you cheer with glee. You wish you had more. At this moment in time you are the second tallest person in the class. And you wear this as a badge of honour. Regularly repeating the fact to me on the way home from school. Your legs are long, you're not bothered if you run out the house with a bed head full of wild hair. Frustratingly you're happy to wear your grubby muddy garden shoes to the shops. Even though I would rather they stayed in the box by the back door. You are glorious.

But it makes me sad. Because as you grow up. You may decide you want make up to cover your freckles. You may slouch as you would rather be petite like some of your friends and your long legs aren't quite as voluptuous as you want them to be. As women we are conditioned to believe that we are never quite as pretty as we think we should be. I look back to when I was 18. I was four stone lighter than I am now. I didn't need to wear a bra I was so slim. A boyfriend once told me he loved "my squidgy belly". So each night before I went to bed I would do 100's of sit ups to try to get rid of it.

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