12 Things I Would Tell My Pre-Child Self

1. Sleep when you can. Lie in, go to bed early, have naps. Sometimes spend the whole day in bed. Sleeping. And if you think "oh I better get up now!". Don't. Sleep. And then sleep some more.

2. Rather than seeing going to a supermarket as a boring chore. Treat every visit like an adventure. Peruse the clothes, run your fingers through the DVDs. Stand at the magazine racks and breathe in the fact that no one is screaming for a Peppa Pig £5.99 issue that is worth 50p. If that.

3. If friends ask you for an impromptu drink? Go. If someone asks you go to go the cinema? On a Sunday afternoon? Make sure you attend. And eat every piece of pick n mix with glee #nosharing.

Sleep when you can

Stephen Smashes Dinnertime With Soup!

One of my favourite winter meals to have with the kiddos is Heinz soup. It's an absolute classic so I was really excited when they wanted to work with us on an AD for their new Eat Well Soups, which are jam-packed full of wholesome ingredients. The only issue was that they wanted someone to cook. Either Stephen or I needed to try and come up with an equally healthy and wholesome vegetarian meal which would rival the soup. And the other one could just pop the soup in the microwave and serve it to the kids. We flipped a coin. I lost. And set about trying to find something that would equal their Tomato and Cannellini Bean Soup in both taste and goodness. Which proved impossible.

For Those Days Where You Kinda Hate Me A Bit

Most of the time the kids and I are a gang. My seven year is my best friend and we laugh together over cute sloth pyjamas and sing Ariana Grande at the top of our voices. My five year old is my little mate. We cuddle each night as he goes to sleep and the first thing he does in the morning is crawl into bed with me. But sometimes. Ever so often. My children don't like me. It might be because I shouted or wouldn't let them have their own way. Other times it comes like a bolt out of the blue and they break my heart and make me cry.

It doesn't really tell you that in the baby books does it. You know that being a Mum is proper knackering. That weaning can be a bit of a ball ache and potty training is terrible but nothing prepares you for when they are old enough to not always look at you in complete awe. Than rather than you sniffing their little heads you are faced with a slammed door or worse an eye roll. After years of trying to kill each other my two have a new favourite trick which is laughing when I tell them off. Whispering to each other and giggling behind my back.

How The Clock Change. SCREWS WITH OUR LIVES!

When you were in your twenties and the clocks went back it meant that you had that extra sweet 60 minutes in bed. I remember being in a club and they were like "HELL YEAH LET'S STAY OPEN ANOTHER HOUR!". It was the stuff of dreams. Let's make the clocks go forward 15 years (see what I did there) and as a parent of two children. The clock change. PLAYS WITH THEIR MIND. It screws up what little routine is going on in our household and means for at least a month, or until the next clock change. Everything is that little bit out of kilter.

The Premise
Something to do with cows. Something to do with nights being lighter. Something to do with I literally have no f*cking clue and no-one really does but I for one do not need lighter nights. The darkness has happily cocooned my two beauties for the past few weeks and helped them to drift off to sleep. And the chilling thought of being forced to watch slightly creepy people open Kinder Eggs on YouTube during a pitch black freezing morning makes me want to weep.

The 'Extra Hour'
Hooray you gain an extra hour in bed! Try and explain that to children. They don't want to be in bed. So when they sit bolt upright at 6am on Sunday morning it won't be 6am will it. IT WILL BE 5 AM. And if you are unlucky enough to have a son that sometimes wakes up at 5am. IT WILL BE 4 AM. Which is two hours till the start of CBeebies. Rather than a sweet extra hour snoozing it becomes an hour extra to be tortured by kids TV.

At this point I have no clue what time it is

26 Of My Dirty Mummy Secrets

Sometimes I am pretending to put the washing away upstairs. When really I am hiding watching Netflix praying no-one finds me.

Sometimes I only shave the bits that people can see. Like an ankle. If no-one can see it (and by no-one I mean like other women who may judge me. My poor husband doesn't count). I don't shave it.

Sometimes I serve my kids fruit whilst I hide in the kitchen eating a Crunchie bar.

Sometimes I lie there. Not breathing. Awake. But closing my eyes so my husband gets up with the kids.

Sometimes I pretend I have a 'bad leg' and can't take the kids swimming after school on a Thursday so my husband does (god I hate swimming lessons).

Sometimes I say to the kids "research it and tell me and I will tell you if it's right!". When I literally have no f*cking clue what their homework means.

You NEVER do any cleaning! It's always me! (I watched reality TV all day and fook all)