10 Rules Of Packing For Holidays

1) All packing must be done by the mother and the mother alone. This is an unwritten rule. No-one really knows why this rule exists but for some reason IT IS A RULE (FFS).

2) You will not be able to find one of your suitcases for some reason. You can't remember where you stored the missing suitcase but this will certainly be the suitcase that holds the important things like travel plugs, or the travel iron (never to be used) or just stuff you f*cking well need.

3) When you find most of your suitcases they appear to be smaller than they were last year which means you have to rethink exactly what you will pack. Can your whole family live with no shoes for a fortnight maybe?

10 Things Mums REALLY Want For Valentine's Day

Dear love of my life, father of my children, my wonderful soul mate

I know traditionally Valentine's Day is a time to show how much we truly mean to each other. Pre-children we went out for fancy meals. You've bought me a dozen red roses and I've surprised you in saucy underwear. And I want you to know that I do love you. Like REALLY love you. But. I am also knackered, REALLY knackered. My legs are hairy and to be honest saucy underwear in my current state could possible repulse you. So. I have made a list of ten things I would REALLY love for Valentine's Day this year. They are not traditionally romantic. But to me they would mean the world...

1. A lie in till at least 7:30am. Without me shoving and whisper swearing in your ear to get you up.

2. Hot cup of tea in bed that wasn't microwaved. Accompanied by toast I don't have to share.

3. You watch the kids whilst I have a shower. And by watch I don't mean let them kill each other in front of The Thundermans.

You don't have to sit next to me if you don't want to

7 Ways How To NOT Kill Each Other When You Have Kids

When you have a baby you think that you and your other half will immediately be in tune with each other. That you will be the dream co-parent duo. Other couples will be amazed at how well you are coping. Cue two weeks in and you are screaming "IT'S YOUR F*CKING TURN TO CHANGE THE NAPPY" and throwing a sterilisation bowl off their head. So here are a few ways I have survived the last eight years being in charge of small children...with another adult.

Lower Your Standards (A Bit)
Accept that your life isn't going to be picture perfect. With one or both of you trying to achieve something that frankly is impossible it becomes too much pressure. Those first few hectics months are all about survival. If your other half forgets to put a bow in your babies hair when you attend a family event. Instead of killing him with passive aggressive smiles just think "ah f*ck it, it would have fallen out and driven us mad anyway".

Don't Be A D*ck
Oh this is a hard one. You spend a lot of your time thinking that your partner is a bit of a d*ck. You lie in bed wondering how to make him realise this. But I am here to tell you. That sometimes. You're a bit of a d*ck. Yep. There are two d*cks in this relationship. When you have a spare three minutes whilst the baby naps, have a little think about how you could be a bit nicer. Which may in turn actually make him a bit more able to cope. Maybe he's freaking out. Maybe all your shouting isn't helping (even though it feels reeeeaaalllly good).

WHY WON'T YOU SLEEP SMALL HUMAN?

An Ode To The Real Housewives

My name is Emma and I have a secret that I am not even guilty about. I love. And by love I actually said to my husband this morning "If this show didn't exist I don't what I would do!" the Real Housewives. I can't quite pinpoint which one is my favourite as I love different series for different reasons. I love New Jersey as watching Teresa flip a table all those years ago was one of my favourite shocking TV moments EVER. I love New York as whilst I long to be a Bethany I am probably more of a Dorinda. And don't get me started on Beverly Hills which shows me a lifestyle that I can only dream of. Yet I never feel jealous of these ladies. I weirdly feel like one of them.

To find a TV show that is based on the lives of older women is rare. Especially those that are living their best lives. Generally women in their 40's (if they feature in anything at all) play downtrodden Mums, women desperate to get out of their marriages or worse if she loves fashion and has anything other than a dour personality. She is cast as the cougar, ready to pounce at any time. But these ladies live life to it's fullest. Of course many of them have money, houses, cars and a staff that I can only dream of. So I suppose it's quite easy to look happy and well rested when you have people to help you do it. But I don't begrudge them a single penny. I love it.

Photo Credit: eonline.com

The Woman Who Just WANTS A NICE HOUSE

It could be the new year. It could be that Marie Kondo series on Netflix. It could be simply that I am SICK of living in a sh*thole but all I want from life. Is simply. To have a nice house. That's all. A. Nice. House. OK I'm lying. I really want a super instagrammable pad of epic proportions but I am self aware enough to know that is a miracle that will not happen. I just want a house that is kinda tidy. Looks half decent and when my kids reflect on their childhood home they will go "Oh Mum loved to keep a nice house". Which is true. I do. But the other sods that live in it do not.

I seem to spend my life in a permanent state of 'tidy'. I have spent more hours than I care to remember thinking about storage. And buying storage. Each time thinking that this will be the box, tub, container that CHANGES MY LIFE. I've tried them all. Things that hang down. Things that you stack up. Things that vacuum pack. And for the ten minutes after I have used said storage. I feel at peace. Until I pop into my son's bedroom, see he has drawn all over his rug and that my little girl has a green patch (bogie? slime? who knows?) right next to her head on the wall.

No. Marie Kondo. This spoon brings me nothing BUT GOD DAMN ANGER