Sunday, 3 August 2014

My Dirty 'Mummy' Secrets.

Since I've become a parent there are a host of things that I have done that I am super proud of. I love my children, I take care of them quite well I think, and 95% of the time I am in charge of them we have a grand old time. But? There is that 5% that I have not been proud off. In fact? I'm downright embarrassed with myself. So I thought I would come clean. Offer other Mothers in similar shameful circumstances someone they can relate to. Reveal all my dirty 'Mummy' secrets.

There is however, a disclaimer to this list. We need to agree on something. A few of the things I do genuinely only do 'sometimes'. But some of the things (more than is reasonable) I have written 'sometimes' when I mean 'most of the time'. Such is my shame. I can't admit which ones. Thought you could just try and figure it our for yourselves. So, gulp, here goes...
  • Sometimes I clean the bathroom sink. With a baby wipe. 
  • Sometimes I clean the kitchen table. With a baby wipe. 
  • Sometimes I clean my privates. With a baby wipe. (This is a sometimes one - promise! It is! IT IS!)

  • Sometimes I hide in the kitchen and eat all the treats from the special children treat box. 
  • Sometimes I lie on the couch and watch an episode of The Darling Buds of May whilst my children happily and quietly pull out every DVD I own. 
  • Sometimes I pretend I can't hear the children wake up in the night so my husband has to get up. 
  • Sometimes when the baby poos late afternoon. I wait till his Dad gets home and then exclaim "Oh no he's pooed again! He always does that when you walk through the door".
  • Sometimes I say I need to go to the toilet just to get some peace and quiet for two minutes. 
  • Sometimes I just "yes" when my toddler talks and I didn't quite hear what she was saying (aka wasn't listening). Or "that's nice". 
  • Sometimes I pretend that Peppa has 'ran away' as I can't face watching her again on television.
  • Sometimes I put my pyjamas on at 3pm. OK, OK. 1pm. OK, OK I don't get dressed.
  • Sometimes I wear extra long leggings so I don't have to shave my legs.
  • Sometimes I put on extra dry shampoo so the white covers my roots.
  • Sometimes I pretend the kids were begging for a Happy Meal. When in reality? I desperately wanted one. With a full fat coke. And a McFlurry. Obv.
  • Sometimes I have Calpol rather than painkillers as it tastes dead nice.
  • Sometimes I used to eat rusks when I had ran out of biscuits.
  • Sometimes I eat the cold remains of waffles that 'may' have dropped on the floor.
  • Sometimes I hide my head in the fridge and eat cake whilst my children eat fruit in the living room.
  • Sometimes, when discovered, I pretend this cake is 'Mummy's medicine'.
  • Sometimes I pretend that me sitting on twitter/facebook/asos is 'Mummy's work'.
I'm stopping there. This list could go on and on and on. So now you know the odd time I clean me bits with a baby wipe and that I generally can be found in my pyjamas or super long leggings. But in the grand scheme of things? It's not that bad. Is it? (shoves head in fridge and consumes pack of 'treat' Smarties in one gulp).

119 comments:

  1. I nearly wee'd myself there!!! So funny and I've been there with a lot of them!!! X

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  2. Ha ha. Each and every one love, each and every one...:)

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  3. Ha ha, each and every one love, each and every one.. :) x

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    1. Yay! Course you have. We all have! xxx

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  4. Hahaha - I agree with you on 100% of these. Baby wipes are also great for dusting!! Infact, they are pretty much great for everything.

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    1. Who needs any cleaning products when there are baby wipes around??? xxx

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    2. I too, clean EVERYTHING with baby wipes. Brings the white PVC window ledges up a treat!!

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  5. I am pretty sure I can tick everything on this list as something I've done, aprt from the Peppa Pig one (we are so lucky, they've never disovered it!)

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    1. I have a feeling in my waters? Baby number 3 WILL LOVE PEPPA MWAH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA xxx

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  6. My list is VERY similar. Def eating cake while the kids eat fruit. And I clean the bath with a baby wipe quite regularly.

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    1. Healthy eating? Is not for us grown ups obv xxx

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  7. Baby wipes are the only cleaner need when you have small children! I'm with you on the treats too - I resorted to have a 'shot' of treat sized smarties when I wanted vodka ha ha

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    1. A shot of smarties? Ha ha ha. I love it! xxx

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  8. Ahahahahaha, that's all hilarious and we've all been there at one point or another. Some of the stuff I do myself to this day. Don't know if I can bring myself to confess though, you're a braver woman than me. Well done :)

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    1. My husband is not happy with me RE: bits on a wipe. Ah well. Who cares?! xxx

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  9. I love how honest (and funny) this list is :D

    Georgina
    Mummy-Pixie

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  10. I think most Mums would agree with this! We're not supposed to use baby wipes at work to wipe faces, but if nobody's looking I'll give them a quick wipe around! Somedays it's just better than having to deal with toddlers taking 20 minutes to wash their hands and faces only to be just as dirty as before!! :D

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    1. Nah - baby wipes are the only way to get the utter grime off any kind of of child! xxx

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  11. I think I have done all of them and a lot I still do....hehehe

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  12. Pretty much done all of these. Sometimes I tell my daughter that the TV is broken when I can't face watching Bubble Ben & Dora the Pig Patrol (aka Nick Jr).

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    1. LOVE you name for Nick Jnr - that my friend is inspired! xxx

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  13. He he this made me chuckle. I have never pretended to be asleep so that hubby has to get up. Ahem....

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    1. No of course not. You just are fast asleep aren't you?? Ahem xxx

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  14. Haha I've done everything on your list too! I believe that's what makes us awesome mums (don't know why, just does ok?) x

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    1. Course it does lovely! We are awesome Mums!!! xxx

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  15. Hahahaha! As i was reading this i was making a note which ones to say i have done. After the 5th one i realised i mostly do all those things. My fave is leggings to cover up my hairy legs! Lolol

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    1. Oh course we cover our legs up with leggings! What happens when they go out of fashion I do not know! (weeps at thought) xxx

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  16. Screaming with laughter, I clean the whole of the kitchen with wet wipes (and a bit of spray bleach but mostly wet wipes)-loved this and bloody love you x

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    1. Ha straight back at ya lovely lady! xxx

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  17. I could have written this! I can relate to all of it, great post! x

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    1. Thanks lovely! Hope your lovely bloggy birthday is going well xxx

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  18. Oh my! This is hilarious haha! Every single thing you wrote I thought 'yes I do that too!' hahhaha. Cant stop laughing!
    I've had to stop myself cleaning everything with a wet wipe haha!

    Fantastic post!!! xxx

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    1. Thanks bab! Cleaning with a baby wipe is the new trendy thing to do. I think? OK maybe not. Let's just pretend it is! xxx

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  19. Ha - sometimes, I never shave my legs because I stopped caring about that once a human fell out of my vagina. #truestory :) x

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    1. Oh and along comes another one to drop out. Not too long now bab! xxx

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  20. You are rapidly becoming my favourite blogger. And my messiah.

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  21. Haha love it! Have done most of these and always use wet wipes to clean. I find it very quick and effective! Another one to add to the list is that I pretend I don't hear him cry when he falls over in the garden so my husband has to comfort him!

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    1. Oh yeah the old I'm just out of ear shot even though I am really not just out of ear shot trick! It's a good un! xxx

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  22. Love this! So funny. But not true at all for me. I clean everything thoroughly with an appropriate cleanser, I shave my legs weekly (all the way up the leg) and I never sneak goodies. #liarliarpantsonfire

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    1. FIBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR! xxx

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  23. HAHA this is great! My little ones at an age where he can be eating something healthy and I'm scoffing my face with junk, he doesn't care as long as he's eating something. Not looking forward to having to hide! xx

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    1. God eat as many Mars Bars as you can as it will stop very very soon!!! xxx

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    2. Another fab post lovely! When I can't face Peppa or Tumble I used to say it gave me a headache, then my 5yo started saying it to my 2yo, and now she says it as well..maybe I'll borrow your line next time! I've used wipes for all those things too... and I regularly eat food directly out of the fridge xxx

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    3. Wipes seem to be the best thing in the whole wide world! xxx

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  24. Love it! Baby wipes were invented for cleaning everything. Even now my husband shouts to me 'have you got a wipe?' every time someone spills something. My daughter is 8 now. For the first time ever I don't possess any baby wipes. I'm forever eating chocolate while going on at the kids about their fruit. In fact, now they're older I've given up even hiding my chocolate consumption!

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    1. I am sad that there will be a day when I don't need them! We have them literally in every single room! xxx

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  25. I use baby wipes for absolutely everything. It's what they were made for isn't it?! #sharewithme

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  26. And you can bet your bottom dollar that most of us have done every single one of these. Then again, I've not tried calpol ;) I am a secret eater AND I eat all of their easter chocolate. Every year. I LOVE baby wipes! x

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    1. Oh I think you should try Calpol. You shall never go back! xxx

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  27. Yep, baby wipes for the table - they're within reach vs kitchen wipes. Although for the bathroom I do have bathroom/multipurpose wipes.

    I do a lot of the others as well.

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    1. I must buy multi purpose wipes - I just never get round to it! xxx

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  28. I do pretty much all of the above! Baby wipes rock!! Sometimes (most of the time) I pretend I have no money when we walk past the ice cream van.

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    1. Oh good plan! I may try that one. I usually stick with the "Ask your Dad" and let him deal with it xxx

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  29. I still use Baby wipes as face cleansers..
    OH nicks them to wipe his pits and sweaty balls.
    I have witnessed the swiping motion while I've been reading my Kindle.
    I can't unsee it.
    I wish I could. :(
    HILARIOUS post, lovely. I did a little wee on my Tena Lady. :D X

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    1. Ha ha ha ha!!! Sweaty balls made me proper laugh!!! xxx

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  30. Brilliant - the treat box is basically full of party bag treats and I eat them. All of them.

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  31. Currently sat on the loo as I read this for my two minutes peace, true story! The only one I've never done was the poo in the nappy, purely his poo smells like stale milk and I can't bare it! All of the rest... Tick

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    1. Yes! We are all the same (bar me and crazy #poogate) xxx

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  32. It's as if you can see into my house! Love it.

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  33. Haven't had any diapers to change in eight years and I still buy baby wipes. They're great for the car, cleaning marks off the walls, and as quick stain removers on clothing! Love your list, I think we all have confessions. :)

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    1. Oh my god I so need them in my car! Why didn't I think of that???? xxx

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  34. I literally laughed so loud I woke the baby up!! Worth it.
    Snap!! To every single thing!... except the cold waffles, but that's only because baba is at the stage where she mushes everything...

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    1. Brill! I bloody love a cold waffle. You've got that to look forward to! xxx

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  35. You're a funny lady. I told you my nappy story, that was a low point. I love your blog, don't listen to the silly Billys xxx

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    1. That was one of the best stories I have heard. I loved you for that. TLR xxx

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  36. I honestly don't think I could survive without baby wipes. I panic if we're down to the last 4 packets in the house, how did people cope before baby wipes! xx

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    1. Same here! I went out with someone last week. We ran out between us and freaked out! xxx

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  37. Haha you loon. Yep, yep, yep!! Get away with it all while you can. I bloody love baby wipes xx

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  38. Haha think I have done most of those, probably all of them actually and I have a perfectly good reason for any "missed" nappy changes (no sense of smell seriously not my fault ;) !!! ). I also still use baby wipes to clean everything and my daughter is 8 we don't even need them in the house!

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    1. Damn I need that excuse!! Then maybe I wouldn't have got into so much trouble! #poogate xxx

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  39. This is brilliant, Peppa Pig ran away! Fab post huni x

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    1. She did she really did! Thanks lovely xxx

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  40. Sometimes I stand alone in the kitchen & eat a toffee crisp so my toddler doesn't demand a taste!

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  41. Good lord, I feel better now as I do loads of these! A big YES to cleaning anything and everything with baby wipes. Also hiding head in fridge/cupboard eating naughty things so kids can't see. And to the pretending child must have only just done a poo when OH suddenly makes an appearance! #sharewithme

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    1. He he he. Baby wipes are like the dream. After this I should be sponsored by them really ;) xxx

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  42. Hahaha Absolutely brilliant. Love the list and I can say I probably have done most of them if not all of them myself. hahaha Good to hear I am not the only one. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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    1. Oh I can't imagine you doing any of them?! You are super Mum! xxx

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  43. Love this! Do so many of them too, including the baby wipe ones. The one that got me the most was leaving the poo to daddy - LOL!

    #PoCoLo

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    1. He he he. Daddy's need to change poo's sometimes too! ;) xxx

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  44. Yes yes yes!! Sometimes I pretend I don't hear the boys yelling at me when I am in the garden in the hope they might give up and go away!

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    1. Oh yes that is a good one. I put the washing machine on. Or run the taps xxx

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  45. Lol I think we all do most, if not all of these! We've decides baby wipes should be re-branded life wipes as they are amazing for just about everything!! Fab post lovely, just fab :) #pocolo

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    1. Oh my god life wipes is inspired! xxx

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  46. Haha, great post, laughing at so much :) reminds me of when mine were little. Whoo I remember loving the rusk's and cakes, whoo still love cakes :)

    Thanks for linking up to the weekend blog hop :)

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    1. Ohh a rusk with a cup of tea is bloody beautiful xxx

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  47. Done nearly all of these!! Especially all those uses of baby wipes (and more!) as well as pretending messing about on computer is 'work'. Yep - guilty as charged!
    #pocolo

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    1. I like my work - especially the work I do looking at the TopShop website xxx

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  48. Just too funny! Sometimes I do all the above too ;)

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  49. Fantastic post! I do most of these things! It is time saving to clean the bathroom with baby wipes while the kids are in the bath! #pocolo

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    1. I do that when the kids are in the bath too! Ha ha ha! xxx

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  50. Now I've actually read this I am laughing very hard. It's all so true! We're all FILTHY MUMMIES! And proud!!! Xxx

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  51. Gosh I could have written this list too! ;D x

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    1. I think we all could have done lovely xxx

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  52. Fantastic! This really made me giggled. I also eat cake whilst hiding it in the fridge! x

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    1. Yay! It's the best place to do it! Especially when it's warm. Cools you down a bit too xxx

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  53. What on earth did we do before they invented baby wipes? I use them for everything, I don't think I'll ever stop buying them :)

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  54. Hehe yes guilty over here too of most of these! I've also been known to give the kids cereal for dinner (sometimes!) lol

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  55. Ha just found this post via Kiran and I laughed out loud. Absolutely brilliant and i have done all these on your list too, especially with the baby wipes and the claiming that LL has just 'done a poo' when in actual fact she *may* have done it half an hour previously. ;)

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  56. Please please please continue listing more things! I could read this forever! It's brilliant! I can pretty much, hand on heart agree with all of them!! Teehee!! Xx

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  57. I think you have just written what EVERY mother does. And if they say they don't they are lying!

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  58. Perfect!! Haha! :-)
    They eat fruit, I eat chocolate!
    I clean the whole house with wet wipes...
    Weeks can go by before I pick up a razor...
    ok - I'll stop there :-)

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  59. I just shaved the bit of leg that shows at the bottom of my leggings and left the rest, made me think of this blog and chuckle x

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  60. Ahh I so need to write a post like this, agree with so many of the things you have written lol! x

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  61. Very funny and very true. I'm using the loo break more and more lately

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  62. I have an 8 & 12 year old I still buy baby wipes and clean everything with them as to your list done them all and some I still do :) go mommys with baby wipes for every thing

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  63. I have an 8 & 12 year old I still buy baby wipes and clean everything with them as to your list done them all and some I still do :) go mommys with baby wipes for every thing

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